People frequently ask me: Just what is a fucktard, Tod? And the answer is: Gigi, of Los Angeles, who asked the following question in Parade Magazine today:
Q: In the new Planet of the Apes movie, was Caesar played by a real animal? —Gigi, Los Angeles
I wonder what Gigi's daily life is like. I wonder if, at night, she believes all of the stuffed animals in her cell come to life and go to a cocktail party together. I wonder if sometimes she looks at the tuna fish sandwich that comes slipped in through the slot in the door and wonders if her sandwich knows Nemo. I wonder if she thinks Mr. Ed was the first reality TV series. I wonder how it is that she has the mental acuity to get onto her computer, type "Parade Magazine" into her, you know, Alta Vista web searching machine, pile through all of the salient information concerning whatever fucking existential mystery Marilyn Vos Savant is solving ("Why is the sky blue?" "Why doesn't my shit taste like chocolate when it's the same color?" "Why doesn't my urine smell like lemonade?" etc.) in order to find the appropriate place to submit a question to Walter Scott (who, like the apes in Planet of the Apes, doesn't fucking exist, either). Mostly, I wonder what her friends will think when she's allowed to visit them on her one day a month out of the asylum and shows them her appearance in Parade and how Hollywood put the bamboozle on the people and that ape who BEGINS TO SPEAK ENGLISH IN THE FUCKING MOVIE was actually not a real ape. Just wait until she finds out the truth about the Death Star.