Letters to Parade: The Fucktard, Defined

People frequently ask me: Just what is a fucktard, Tod? And the answer is: Gigi, of Los Angeles, who asked the following question in Parade Magazine today:

Q: In the new Planet of the Apes movie, was Caesar played by a real animal? —Gigi, Los Angeles

I wonder what Gigi's daily life is like. I wonder if, at night, she believes all of the stuffed animals in her cell come to life and go to a cocktail party together. I wonder if sometimes she looks at the tuna fish sandwich that comes slipped in through the slot in the door and wonders if her sandwich knows Nemo. I wonder if she thinks Mr. Ed was the first reality TV series. I wonder how it is that she has the mental acuity to get onto her computer, type "Parade Magazine" into her, you know, Alta Vista web searching machine, pile through all of the salient information concerning whatever fucking existential mystery Marilyn Vos Savant is solving ("Why is the sky blue?" "Why doesn't my shit taste like chocolate when it's the same color?" "Why doesn't my urine smell like lemonade?" etc.) in order to find the appropriate place to submit a question to Walter Scott (who, like the apes in Planet of the Apes, doesn't fucking exist, either). Mostly, I wonder what her friends will think when she's allowed to visit them on her one day a month out of the asylum and shows them her appearance in Parade and how Hollywood put the bamboozle on the people and that ape who BEGINS TO SPEAK ENGLISH IN THE FUCKING MOVIE was actually not a real ape. Just wait until she finds out the truth about the Death Star. 

 

 

Comments

[MK]

What type of a journalist are you? Your response back to Gigi was rude, out of line and completely inappropriate.

We are told in life there are no stupid questions, yet, you made yourself one, by answering in the manner in which you did. I am not sure you could have answered her question more humanely or not, but I certainly do hope your bosses are reading.
As to Gigi... watch the movie again. If it seems too real, it probably is a robot, or a small person inside. I have not seen the movie yet, but now I want to see for myself.

[Tod Goldberg]

Marguerite, I appreciate your comment, since it will let poor Gigi know she is not alone in this world and that she really has an advocate out there for her, you know, delusions. My boss, who looks a lot like me, even has the same basic size and comportment, why, even has the same name, told me it was okay for me to answer the question as I saw fit (since, uhm, it was actually sent to Parade magazine, and a cursory look around this blog might make it clear this is not Parade magazine), so until I hear otherwise from him, well, I'm just gonna keep on keeping on. And I'm going to adjust the definition of fucktard accordingly...

[Alex]

MK is right about one thing, Tod. We are told there are no stupid questions. The problem is, the only people who actually believe that are complete fucking morons, as MK has shown herself to be within just 2 sentences.

[Leo]

I read MK's post knowing it was sarcasm and she would turn it around in the last sentence with some brilliant witticism. Alas, I was wrong...she was serious.

[Mike Barer]

and don't call her Shirley.