5150: Or How To Talk To Crazy People At A Book Festival

Just prior to the start of the West Hollywood Book Fair this past Sunday, Rob Roberge and I somehow got into a conversation with a very nice sheriff. This is odd for a number of reasons, not least of all because talking to the police is not something I ever really imagined I'd see Rob do unless it was because he'd been, you know, pinched for killing a guy. I like talking to cops because they typically have really interesting stories or, at the very least, they can give me some small bit of information I can use in my work, since, you know, I like to write about people who, you know, maybe get pinched for killing a guy. This sheriff happened to be a very pleasant woman who seemed to find Rob and me amusing, so we had this conversation:

Me: So, you mind if we talk a little shop?

Sheriff: Sure.

Me: In terms of perps, how's this book festival looking? Busy day?

Sheriff: Perps?

Me: You know, potential perps. Lotta violence?

Sheriff: Truthfully, the big problem today will be of the 5150 variety.

Me: Really? 

Sheriff: Oh yeah. They love these things.

Me: I had to have my mom 5150'd. She didn't appreciate that.

Sheriff: Yeah, that makes most people agitated.

Rob [pointing at her gun] What do you have there?

Sheriff: A Glock.

Rob: Ah. I had a problem with one of those once. You keep one in the chamber?

Sheriff: Always.

Rob: Yeah, I wasn't aware of that. It caused some problems.

[We then get into a semi-long conversation about why, in gangsta movies, they shoot sideways.]

Me: So, if we have a problem with some crazy people, we can call you?

Sheriff: Absolutely. 

Me: All right, well, if you stop by later, I'll give you a present. I'm a big time famous author. I'll give you a book.

Sheriff: Really?

Me [pointing at Rob]: Him, too.

Rob: I'm more of a fuck up. He's a big time famous author. 

So Rob and I headed off to our booth -- we were there to ostensibly recruit people for the MFA program I direct and where Rob is one of the exalted faculty -- and Rob decided that maybe, in the interest of law and order, it would be a good idea if we kept track of the crazy people we met. Rob and I have a rich history of encountering crazy people together and this way we could, you know, help out our new friend the kindly sheriff. By the conclusion of the day, we'd encountered, officially, 17 certifiably crazy people, including:

*A woman who came up to our booth and informed us that Palm Desert would be out of water within the year and we'd all soon be dead, because of the "sun storms" which brought about the following conversation:

Rob: Well, then I guess I'll start charging up my credit cards.

Woman: You're not taking this seriously. In a year, the sun storms will kill us all.

Rob: Okay. 

Woman: You'll be dead.

Rob: Right. So that's why I'm going to stop paying my bills.

Woman: The sun storms are going to end the planet.

Rob: Well, if that's true, there's nothing I can do about it. I'll be dead. 

Woman: 

Rob:

Woman {growing more agitated]: There will be no water. There will be nothing left.

Rob: Right. So I'm charging up my cards.

*A woman who demanded to know why we had material "from the past" on our table...which, in this case, was a copy of our residency schedule from June...and couldn't understand where this information "from the past" came from.

*A mean woman from the friends of the West Hollywood Library who came into our booth, visibly angered because we had the temerity to be talking, and said, "If you lived above me, I'd bang on the ceiling. If you lived below me I'd stomp on the floor."

"That won't ever happen," I said. "I live in a house."

"It's not about where you live," she said. "It's how loud you are."

"You don't need to worry about it," I said, "I own a house. Baseless fear."

 *A woman who called herself a book shepherd.

Me: What does that mean?

Woman: I help people understand their market and their topic and their place in the world.

Rob: So you're a book doctor.

Woman: No, I'm a book shepherd. I help people find a place in the world for their books.

Me: So, like, self-published people writing about their cats?

Woman: I'm working with a person right now who is very big in the past-life world.

Rob: So she has her own successful business in her past-life? She should just go back and live there.

Woman: No, she helps people solve their problems by looking at their past lives. Her book is very inventive because it's from the point of view of a patient looking at their past life.

Me: So, she's telling the story of one of her patients?

Woman: No, it's her story.

Me: So, she did a past-life regression on herself?

Woman: No, of course not.

Me: Right. Of course not. That would be crazy. So, she's just making it up?

Woman:

Me:

Woman: 

Me: Percentage-wise, how many people do you deal with who think they were Joan of Arc?

Rob: You ever meet anyone who in their past life was just a piece of shit dirt bag named Jeff?

*Several people who walked up, picked up my business card and a flyer, all of which say, in huge letters UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA, read them silently for a few minutes and then said some variation of, "What is your organization and what are you doing here?" And then stomped off when I said, "Our organization is all about reading comprehension."

*And finally, an all-star experience featuring me, Rob and my friend Mark Sarvas, who popped by our booth with his beautiful daughter to catch some shade. Let me set the scene: Rob and I are sitting behind a table covered in promotional materials, including copies of faculty books, including a copy of my book Simplify. Mark is standing behind us, feeding his daughter Cheerios. Two women walk up to the booth.

Woman 1: Simplify! That book changed my life! 

Me: Really?

Woman 2: Oh, yes, she talks about it constantly.

Woman 1: I was having a real hard time with clutter. It really helped me de-clutter my life.

Me: I don't think it's the same book.

Woman 1: Yes, it is. It's right on my shelf. I love it. I read it all the time.

Me: I wrote that book.

Woman 1: You've been such a gift to me. I had so much clutter. And it really taught me how to get it all cleaned up.

Me: I'm pretty sure it's not the same book.

Woman 2: She knows what her favorite book is.

Woman 1: [picks up the book, looks at it] If it's not the same book, then why does it have the same title and cover?

Me: Is the book you read a short story collection?

Woman 1: No, it's about de-cluttering your life.

Mark: That book in your hand would be more about, say, killing someone and burying them in the desert.

Woman 1: [flipping through it] If it's not the same book, why does it have the same cover?

Me: It doesn't.

Woman 2: I wouldn't bet against her. She has an excellent memory.

Me: I wrote the book.

Woman 1: Why would you use the same cover? It's the same book.

Me: Let me ask you a question: do you remember reading a part of the book that contains a section on what to do if you have a photo of Elvis hanging on your wall and it begins to bleed?

Woman 1: No, that's not in this book.

Me: See, it is. I wrote that book. That happens in that book.

Woman 1 & 2 walk off in a snit.

For the record: