An Annotated Guide to the Festival of Books: Sunday

The second day of the Festival of Books is when shit really starts to get fucking weird. On Saturday night, most of the authors go to a secret party in the hills above the San Fernando Valley and, in concert with the rest of the elitist Jew media, plans out the rest of the year's agenda. It's always crazy when Hitchens shows up because no one knows if he's a liberal or a conservative or just fucking British, you know? The fun starts when we decide who will feud with who, which literary blogs will call which writer an over rated douche, which of us will pretend we don't know each other so we can logroll great book reviews in...uh...well...I guess that's not something we get to do anymore since there's nowhere to review books anymore, who will announce that they've been offered at least 10 times more for their book than they actually were offered, who will go onto Goodreads and leave comments under our bad reviews that say, "The author doesn't come to your job and tell you how to suck trannie dicks, you fuck!" and, of course, who will bite the bullet and be the person who actually says, "Look, a bad review is still great publicity!"

All of which makes the panels on Sunday a bit more...shall we say...lively. Well, that and all the coke we've snorted off of Gore Vidal's ass. I'm moderating two such panels:

12:30 PM

Fiction Inside Out

PANEL CODE: 2072

Moderator: Mr. Tod Goldberg

Mr. Chris Adrian

Ms. Aimee Bender

Ms. Grace Krilanovich

Mr. Charles Yu

The best thing about doing a panel with Aimee is that she has these fans who wear strappy dresses and have horned rim glasses and carry moleskins and they take notes when she speaks, which makes me think I've fucked up my career. So maybe "best" is a bit of a misnomer here. At any rate, once I figure out what the fuck we're going to talk about, I'm sure it will be great.

3:00 PM

Fiction: L.A. Stories

PANEL CODE: 2064

Moderator: Mr. Tod Goldberg

Ms. Janet Fitch

Mr. Seth Greenland

Ms. Meg Howrey

Mr. Eric Puchner

The last time I moderated a panel at LATFOB about LA fiction, a man in the audience stood up in the middle of it and said, "No on ever writes about San Dimas. Some shit goes down in San Dimas. Why doesn't anyone write about San Dimas?"

Here are my other picks for the day...and check back later for my picks for the events on the Stages (and by that I mean: Why the fuck am I not interviewing Rick Springfield?!?):

10:30 AM

Mystery: Notes from the Underground Mystery

PANEL CODE: 2011

Moderator: Mr. Seth Greenland

Mr. Gary Phillips

Mr. Mark Haskell Smith

Mr. P.G. Sturges

To the best of my knowledge, the underground mystery is that there are cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers beneath USC. Nevertheless, you won't want to miss this panel as it contains both Mark Haskell Smith and Seth Greenland, two of the funniest men I know. And Gary Phillips is a huge motherfucker who will fucking kill you if you miss this. I don't know PG Sturges, but I'm sure he (or she, I suppose) will take great umbrage with you, too, if you miss this.

12:00 PM

Mystery: Order and Law

PANEL CODE: 2012

Moderator: Ms. Paula L. Woods

Ms. Marcia Clark

Mr. Miles Corwin

Mr. Stephen Jay Schwartz

I'm a big fan of Stephen Jay Schwartz, but let's be honest: People still want to know how the fuck Marcia Clark managed not to convict OJ and there will be someone in the audience who will ask some inordinately fucked up question about it. And that will be awkward and uncomfortable. Which is bad ass.

1:30 PM

Mystery: The Last Laugh

PANEL CODE: 2013

Moderator: Mr. Lee Goldberg

Mr. Thomas Perry

Mr. John Vorhaus

Mr. Don Winslow

My brother Lee usually does something regrettable when he's finally let out into the public. He's finally stopped pissing himself, which is probably a great relief to the men he'll be interviewing. (And, if you like crime fiction, you don't get much better than Thomas Perry and Don Winslow...and I'm sure John Vorhaus is very good, too, I've just never read any of his books.)

Fiction: Worlds in Transition

PANEL CODE: 2023

Moderator: Mr. Thomas Curwen

Mr. Karl Marlantes

Ms. Lisa See

Ms. Elena Mauli Shapiro

Let me just get this out into the open: I LOVE KARL MARLANTES. I WANT TO HAVE HIS MAN BABIES. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I MEAN IT SO MUCH I PUT IT ALL IN CAPS HERE ON MY BLOG. (Lisa See is wonderful, too, but, I'm just saying, if you haven't read Matterhorn, holy shit, you need to go do that right this very instant.)

3:30 PM

Publishing: The New Shape of the Book

PANEL CODE: 2024

Moderator: Ms. Carolyn Kellogg

Ms. Ami Greko

Mr. Tom Lutz

Mr. Ethan Nosowsky

Ms. Lisa Pearson

Alternate Panel Title: Does Everyone Realize That In 5 Years An Actual Physical Book Will Be The Equivalent Of A Mac Davis 8-Track? (Not That Mac Davis Wasn't Awesome.)

12:30 PM

Memoir: Lost & Found

PANEL CODE: 2032

Moderator: Ms. Orli Low

Mr. James Brown

Ms. Samantha Dunn

Mr. Mark Richard

Three excellent writers and the best editor I've ever had, all on one stage.

3:30 PM

Fiction: Worlds Unraveling

PANEL CODE: 2034

Moderator: Ms. Samantha Dunn

Ms. Janelle Brown

Ms. Marisa Silver

Mr. Antoine Wilson

Antoine Wilson once showed me and my wife a photo of penis with a finger shoved into the hole. That's all I'm saying.

2:30 PM

The Pen Behind the Curtain: Co-Authors, Collaborators & Ghostwriters

PANEL CODE: 2044

Moderator: Mr. David Rensin

Mr. Bob Morris

Ms. Mim Eichler Rivas

Ms. Lynn Vincent

Mr. Jeffrey Zaslow

Alternate Title: I Fucking Hate The Person I Wrote This Fucking Book With And, If I Had To Do It Over Again, I'd Fucking Kill Them Before I'd Work With Them Again. Oh, And Also? Fuck That Movie "The Ghostwriter" -- Ewan McGregor? Puh-Leeze.

11:00 AM

Going Under? Broken Government

PANEL CODE: 2051

Moderator: Warren Olney

Mr. Bill Boyarsky

Mr. Chris Hedges

Mr. Joe Mathews

Let's be honest: Sometimes, you just have to wonder what Warren Olney does for fun. I mean, he can't always be on top of all of this shit, right? One day, I'd like to hear him start Which Way LA? by saying, "I'm Warren Olney. I spent all of last week sitting on my couch watching Busty Cops on Cinemax. Crazy movie. It's about these cops and they each have, you know, big chests. They don't really solve crimes as much as they just rub stuff on each other. So. Yeah. Next up, after the break, Dave Navarro. I fucking love that guy."

2:00 PM

History: Democracy and Its Discontents

PANEL CODE: 2053

Moderator: Ms. Celeste Fremon

Mr. Scott Martelle

Mr. Thaddeus Russell

Mr. Barry Siegel

An all-star group of journalists led by my friend Celeste.

3:30 PM

The Living Constitution

PANEL CODE: 2054

Moderator: Mr. Jim Newton

Mr. Erwin Chemerinsky

Mr. John W. Dean

Mr. Henry Weinstein

First question from the audience: "Why hasn't President Obama been tried for treason? He's an enemy agent! He was born in Indonesia! Keep the government away from my Medicare! Why does the president allow the aliens to attack me? It's not in the constitution! Did you know Nostradamus predicted 9/11?"

1:30 PM

Writing Between Races

PANEL CODE: 2063

Moderator: Ms. Karen Grigsby Bates

Ms. Heidi Durrow

Ms. Jessica Hagedorn

Ms. Danzy Senna

Ms. Susan Straight

Susan Straight is pretty much the best human being ever. Heidi Durrow's husband likes me. I like her husband. It's a little fucking weird, when you get right down to it.

11:00 AM

Fiction: The Art of the Novel

PANEL CODE: 2071

Moderator: Ms. Susan Salter Reynolds

Ms. Francine Prose

Ms. Mona Simpson

Ms. Susan Straight

A powerhouse line-up of writers and Susan Salter Reynolds knows how to ask the right questions.

2:00 PM

Memoir: Finding the Hook

PANEL CODE: 2073

Moderator: Ms. Susan Carpenter

Ms. Heather Havrilesky

Ms. Jillian Lauren

Ms. Lisa Napoli

Mr. Richard Polsky

Alternate Panel Title: It Helps If You Used To Have Sex For Money, Or Had Sex Consensually With A Parent, Or Had Sex With Madonna, Or Ran For Vice President With John McCain, Or, Barring That, You're Hot And Like Anal Sex With Anyone Who Wanders By: The Art of the Memoir

1:30 PM

Busted: Uncovering the Bell Scandal

PANEL CODE: 2083

Moderator: Mr. Christopher Goffard

Mr. Rick Cole

Mr. Jeff Gottlieb

Mr. Evan Halper

Mr. Ruben Vives

The LAT's reporting on the city of Bell has been the best investigative journalism Los Angeles has seen in years. I can't wait to hear these Pulitzer Prize-winning reporters discuss it.

3:00 PM

A New Chord: From Stage to Page

PANEL CODE: 2084

Moderator: Mr. Scott Timberg

Ms. Kristin Hersh

Mr. Nathan Larson

Mr. Rob Roberge

Hearing musicians talk about their process is always fascinating to me. Hearing them talk about their fiction and music? That's pretty much a dream come true. Plus, my pal Rob Roberge is on the panel and Rob has been known to get into verbal fights with people on panels. John Irving once tried to assault him, I think the story goes. Or maybe he didn't try to assault him, but probably thought about it, because I think Rob called wrestling homoerotic or something. The point being: Rob is going to say something to someone and then it's gonna go fucking thunderdome.

11:00 AM

Larger Than Life: Behind the Icon

PANEL CODE: 2121

Moderator: Ms. Elizabeth Taylor

Ms. Leslie Brody

Ms. Kate Buford

Mr. Yunte Huang

Mr. Richard Schickel

I have no idea what this panel is about, but I can't wait to see how a disinterred Elizabeth Taylor looks.

12:30 PM

The Poet’s Journey: Personal Reflection and Public Revelation

PANEL CODE: 2122

Moderator: Mr. David St. John

Mr. Nick Flynn

Ms. Dana Goodyear

Mr. Yehoshua November

Mr. Matthew Zapruder

Alternate Panel Title: These Poets Will Make You Realize That Not All Poets Are Fucktards. If you don't like Matthew Zapruder, first and foremost, there's something bad wrong with you. Like you might have a tumor. There could be something in your blood. I mean, really, you need to get that shit looked at.

3:30 PM

Consumer Moments: The Dam, the Docks & Wal-Mart

PANEL CODE: 2124

Moderator: Ms. Robin Abcarian

Mr. Michael Hiltzik

Mr. Edward Humes

Mr. Bill Sharpsteen

I have no idea what this panel is about, but The Dam, the Docks & Wal-Mart is either the next terrible fucking Emo band or the title of a really dreadful mumble-core movie starring Jesse Eisenberg pre-Social Network.

12:00 PM

Ted Danson in Conversation with M.G. Lord

PANEL CODE: 2132

Interviewer: Ms. M.G. Lord

Last year, M.G. had one of the most awkward interviews ever with Ray Bradbury. So, yeah, this should be better, because, presumably, Ted Danson is still sentient.

1:30 PM

Mary & Carol Higgins Clark in Conversation with Mary McNamara

PANEL CODE: 2133

Interviewer: Ms. Mary McNamara

Ms. Carol Higgins Clark

Ms. Mary Higgins Clark

These girls party. Last year we went to Oddballs out in the San Fernando Valley after their panel and it was just lap dance after lap dance after lap dance. And then we got some strippers!

3:30 PM

Jennifer Weiner with an Introduction from Deborah Netburn

PANEL CODE: 2134

Introducer: Ms. Deborah Netburn

Ms. Jennifer Weiner

I've got no beef with Jennifer Weiner. She seems like a nice person. I even follow her on Twitter. We had the same editor once at Simon & Schuster. She looks like a cousin of mine. I know many people who like her books. But for the love of god, every time I see her in a new literary feud over some perceived or real slight of commercial fiction, I just think: Really, is this important? Could we just fill this space with the details of missing children instead? And, you know, I write a fair amount of commercial fiction. Anyway...this should be a lively talk since she's currently doing the Biggie/2Pac thing with Jennifer Egan who, conveniently, is also at the book festival!