An Annotated Guide to the Festival of Books: Stages

The nice thing about the LA Times Festival of Books -- and let's be honest, the whole event is a really nice thing; it literally is my favorite book-related event of the year, and I'm not just saying that because they've been nice enough to invite me to participate, or that the LA Times once made me a finalist for one of their Book Prizes, or because the newspaper has published several book reviews and essays of mine over the years, or even because I have many friends who write or work for the Times -- is that it's all free. Sure, there's a small charge to get tickets from Ticketmaster (a dollar) but that's only because Ticketmaster is a fully owned subsidy of Satan...but there's also a huge slate of outdoor events that don't require any tickets at all (and if you don't want to hear anyone talk and just want to get a book signed, there's no charge for that either). I know you're a busy person and don't have time to figure out what you want to see -- though, there is an app for that -- so I've gone ahead and made some picks for you:

Saturday:

Target Children's Stage

11:20 AM

* Jamie Lee Curtis

* Author of My Mommy Hung the Moon

Inspired by Pres. Obama releasing his birth certificate, Jamie Lee is going to show all of the kids her genitalia to finally put an end to the rumors she was born a man. Also, Rod Stewart is going to show up to have his stomach pumped so that we can all see, finally, that he doesn't have 8 gallons of semen in his stomach.

2:40 PM

* R.L. Stine

* Author of Goosebumps Horrorland: Hall of Horrors

I give mad props to any adult who has spent their entire adult lives scaring the living shit out of small children.

Los Angeles Times' Stage

11:00 AM

* Rainn Wilson, Interviewed by Amy Alkon

* Author of SoulPancake

I'm a big fan of Rainn Wilson and I'm a bigger fan of his wife Holiday Reinhorn, who really needs to write another book. 

12:10 AM

* Stefanie Powers

* Author of One from the Hart

Frankly, I thought Stefanie Powers was dead. What I know for certain is that anyone who was actually a fan of Hart to Hart requires adult diapers now and certainly won't be in the audience. However, what you will see in the audience is that weird subset of humans who can't understand that Stefanie Powers  (or anyone on television) is not the actual character they portray. This is made more difficult when the actor so identifies with said character that they spend the rest of their life writing books that use the title of the show in the title of said books. 

2:30 PM

* Danica McKellar

* Author of Hot X: Algebra Exposed

Look, I'm not even going to front: I have been in love with Danica McKellar since 1988...which is awkward because, uh, I was 17 then and she was, like, 13...but, you know, she was Winnie Cooper! 

YA STAGE

12:30 PM

* Smells Like Teen Spirit: Young Adult Fiction

* Panelists: Lisi Harrison, Joanna Philbin, Elizabeth Eulberg, Abby McDonald

* Moderator: Aaron Hartzler

How this panel got its title: Someone said, "How about Smells Like Teen Spirit?" Everyone looked at the clock, it was about 9pm, and they all just sort of nodded their heads and said, Well, that's what Lara Furar and Lysnsi Derouin would have done.*

*[Joke will be funny to approximately 4 people.]

2:00 PM

* The Practical & the Powerful: Writing Fantasy or Keeping it Real

* Panelists: Robin Benway, Gayle Forman, Gennifer Choldenko, Allen Zadoff

* Moderator: Cecil Castellucci

Cecil Castellucci and Robin Benway will be drunk. They might kiss. I wouldn't miss this if I were you.

5:00 PM

* LAYAPALOOZA!

* A live game show for lovers of books for teens & tweens

This just sounds dirty. 

POETRY STAGE

*There are readings all day long on the Poetry Stage. If I hear one poet reading in poet voice or doing any kind of interpretative dance while reading their poetry, I will fucking kill myself. 

ETC Stage

10:00 AM

* 826LA

* Student Author Panel: A reading, discussion and signing with students ages 6-18

Kids reading their fiction out loud in front of people? Fuck yes. 826 does great work.

11:00 AM

* Dime Stories

* Three-minute stories read by Various Artists

Adults reading for only 3 minutes at a time? Fuck yes. Readings that last longer than 5-9 minutes by anyone are really much too long.

5:00 PM

* PEN Center USA

* Emerging Voices Reading

This is a great program and features some very promising new writers.

SUNDAY

Children's Stage

1:40 PM

* Moona Luna

* Piñata Party

I will fuck a kid up to get to the candy. Be forewarned, you little fucking scamps.

 

LOS ANGELES TIMES STAGE

——————

11:00 AM

* Patton Oswalt

* Author of Zombie Spaceship Wasteland

I find Patton Oswalt extremely funny. I haven't read this book. I'm going to guess it's either really funny or really awful. I'm hoping it's funny. I haven't bought it because I fear the worst. 

12:10 PM

* Barbara Eden, Interviewed by Mary McNamara

* Author of Jeannie Out of the Bottle

There are going to be old perverts in the audience who will want Barbara Eden to sign their used socks and shit. I swear to god, I've seen this dynamic before...and you'll see it on Saturday, too, with the Stefanie Powers fans. 

1:20 PM

* Rick Springfield, Interviewed by Alex Cohen

* Author of Late, Late at Night

So, here's the deal: I fucking love Rick Springfield. I always have. I blame my sister Linda. When Jessie's Girl came out in 1981, Linda played it and the entire Working Class Dog album (the actual ALBUM) obsessively, so, you know, that means I listened to it obsessively, too. I saw Hard to Hold the day it opened...and was man enough to admit it was fucking awful. I have owned his work on vinyl, cassette, CD and mp3. Sometimes, late at night, I just sit in my office and watch his entire post-Apocalyptic collection of music videos (he made, by my count, five videos that take place post-some-kind-of-nuclear-fallout-or-alien-invasion). Once, for reasons still unknown to me, a Rick Springfield fan club hijacked my website registration and directed it to their site. Really. Lawyers got involved. Or, well, my sister Karen, who happens to be my lawyer, got involved and threatened people and we found a serpentine conspiracy that reached all the way to Switzerland. This is all true. What else? Once, when I was a waiter at Ruby's Diner, I waited on Rick and told him I was a big fan. He said, "Funny, you don't look like a 12 year old girl." And then he left me a good tip. I once sat behind Rick at a Howard Jones concert. I bought his album of cover songs that came out last year. I wanted to buy his Christmas album but Wendy wouldn't let me. (She's not a fan, alas.) This is all a very long way of saying: I SHOULD BE INTERVIEWING HIM! [To the LA Times great credit, they have very capable people in their employ who make decisions about these things and likely understood that if I interviewed him, I'd likely make an ass out of myself. They also understood that it would have been really awkward when I invited my sister Linda onto the stage to have sex with him. I would have excused myself, obviously.]  However, after I learned that I would not be interviewing him, I did realize that there was a strong chance he'd be chilling in the green room and I could, you know, sit down across from him and make adult conversation. So. Yeah. I'm probably just gonna go ahead do that. If I'm able to do it without sobbing.

COOKING STAGE

2:00 PM

* Duff Goldman, Author of Ace of Cakes: Inside the World of Charm City Cakes

* Talk and Q&A

Uhm...I fucking love Ace of Cakes. I might geek out a little bit.

POETRY STAGE

——————

11:00 AM

* Nick Flynn reads from The Captain Asks for a Show of Hands

Love Nick Flynn -- really a fantastic writer.

1:30

* Matthew Shenoda & Cecilia Woloch read from Seasons of Lotus, Seasons of Bone and Carpathia

Matthew Shenoda is my second favorite poet named Matthew.

3:00 PM

* Matthew Zapruder reads from Come on All You Ghosts

My favorite poet named Matthew...and Come on All You Ghosts was one of my very favorite books of the last year, irrespective of genre.

ETC. STAGE

——————

10:00 AM

* Korea Presents Eagle Taekwondo

* Martial Arts Performance

Oh, fuck yeah. Nothing says literature like some people getting their fucking heads kicked in.

12:00 PM

* Pitchapalooza

* Pitch YOUR BOOK to the Book Doctors!

Oh. My. God. This is going to be an epic clusterfuck. I can't wait! Who are these Book Doctors? I don't know. But what I do know is that there are going to be insane people with velobound manuscripts all about the alien insurrection taking place in the White House. Oh, this is going to be brutal. 

 

 

 

Comments

[Lori]

I love that you love Rick, but I love Howard Jones.

[Cecil Castellucci]

you are so right about all of your LATFOB sum ups. Me and Robin are hella excited. We may need chapstick. Or flasks. I'm not sure.