Letters To Parade: This Is What Is Commonly Called A Fucktardathon

It should come as no surprise to anyone that the people who write letters to Parade magazine are delusional fucktards with no grasp on reality. I think I've established that over these many years, to the point that I don't even bother to address this issue much anymore, because I can only be crushed by Sisyphus's rock so many times. In fact most Sundays when I read the collected works of the great lobotomized masses -- and by "lobotomized" I mean "people so covered in the orange refuse of their Cheetos that they can't even tell that they've inadvertently become hoarders and, in fact, don't notice the film crew from Hoarders in their living room filming their stacks of bags filled with fecal matter, the floor carpeted in mummified cats and the strange family members who keep screaming 'You're tearing this family apart!'" -- I simply set Parade back on top of the rest of the paper and methodically pull out each and every pubic hair I have before I ritually begin paper cutting myself. It's just easier on my psyche.

But today I found myself face to face with a few of the dumbest fucking people on the planet posing questions in Walter Scott's Personality Parade and, well, here we are, boats against the current, paper cuts on my denuded body, and all that. First, there was the question posed by a fucktard named Ed Morgan of Newark, NJ who wondered:

How does Steve Harvey like hosting Family Feud?

What a great question, Ed. I'm going to give you three options regarding Steve Harvey's feelings about hosting Family Feud:

1. Holy fuck. I'm now the black Louie Anderson. How the fuck did that happen? Didn't one of the former hosts of Family Feud fucking kill himself? Wasn't one of the hosts that other guy from Home Improvement? Jesus fucking Christ. My fucking career is over. I will fucking kill you, Ed Morgan! Why have you made me face this? I will fucking kill you!

2. Motherfucker, I got bills!

3. I love it! It's the high point of my comedic career!

I won't even bother to list his actual response because it's essentially #3, but that he says the show contains "some of the funniest moments of my career" will let you know that he really believes #1 and #2. 

Next, a fucktard named S. Lee of Miami, Fl asks:

Why is actress Sara Gilbert doing a talk show?

What a great question, S. I'm going to give you three options regarding Sara Gilbert's feelings about hosting the talk show The Talk:

1. Holy fuck. I'm now the whiter Rikki Lake. How the fuck did that happen? Didn't one of the former hosts of The Talk try to fucking kill Ozzie Osbourne once? Wasn't one of the hosts that other person on The King of Queens? Jesus fucking Christ. My fucking career is over. I will fucking kill you, S. Lee! Why have you made me face this? I will fucking kill you!

2. Motherfucker, I got bills!

3. I love it! It's the high point of my comedic career!

I won't even bother to list Sara's actual response because it's essentially #3, but that she says the words "I joined a mom group..." in her response leads me to believe that her actual feelings are #4: I had to get away from the shrill fucking harpies unless someone was gonna write me a check.

Then, a fucktard named Cameron Mitchell of Portland, OR asked what might be the greatest question ever, because it's the one time Parade could have actually called me and asked me to help them respond to one of the fucktards who apparently are incapable of thinking on their own and thus mail in fucking letters to Walter Scott:

Do mystery novelists watch mystery shows on television?

You have to wonder how banal Cameron's life must be to ponder this question to such depth that, at some point, he (or she, I suppose) decided that the only way to find out would be to send a letter to Parade magazine. I mean, you know, Cameron could have just emailed me like the litany of fucktards do each week with equally bizarre questions (a few weeks ago I got an email from someone asking me why there aren't pictures in the Burn Notice books to make it "more like watching the TV show"). Alas, they didn't call me -- though if they had, I would have told the truth: No, all mystery novelists watch HGTV. We love House Hunters! -- instead they went to Sara Paretsky who said, "Why the fuck are you calling me? Isn't Harlan Coben on fucking staff now? Ask him, assholes." Okay, she didn't say that. She said yes, she watches NCIS. (Though it is odd: I think Harlan is on staff. He writes the back essay as often as Mitch "The Five People In Heaven Who Aren't Sick Of My Fucking Books" Albom).

But finally, finally, the very nut of fucktardery in this week's Personality Parade comes from someone who must read Parade magazine in the very same newspaper I do, which sort of frightens me. Because a fuckard named Elizabeth Chambers, hailing from Los Angeles, CA, and presumably reading Parade in the LA Times, as I do, has a question that made me realize that the reason people end up voting for complete fucktards like Sarah Palin is that they don't realize politicians aren't fictional characters. You see, Elizabeth is very curious about that nice young President we have...on THE EVENT:

Blair Underwood is great as President Elias Martinez on NBC's The Event. Does he have any political experience in real life? 

Jesus fucking Christ on a bed of wild rice, Elizabeth. Do you really think you somehow missed out on the two terms Blair Underwood spent as a United States Senator? Or what about when he was a Congressman? Or those years when he was Attorney General? Personally, I'll never forget what it was like meeting Blair Underwood when he was just a state Senator --this was during his downtime after his seven year stint on LA Law ended and before he landed his next role four minutes later. I knew then that one day he would eventually either be President or at least play the President in something. He just had that gravity, you know? But then when he was on The New Adventures of Old Christine a few years ago, I was like, whoa, he's just a school teacher in this! Well, he was a school teacher on the show, and, of course, was the Dept. Secretary of Defense, too, but, anyway, I just felt like he was selling himself short. 

For fuck's sake. I mean it. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to watch television. It's clearly not good for them and thus it's not good for America and, thus, it's bad for the Jews.

(And for the curious, Blair was student body president of his high school. For the sake of comparison, I was a senator in college, which I think confirms that I could totally play a senator on a sci-fi show that closely mimics Lost. Time for me to call my agents to let them know I'm diversifying...)

 

Comments

[Graham]

Is it true that mystery writers such as yourself try out the murder methods in your books on people who write in to Parade?

[Dan Williams]

Tod, you're a very funny guy, you have loads of literary talent, you have a great eye for detail, and you can trace a person's words back to the attitudes they are holding deep inside. Good stuff!

And you can see where they are going wrong in their thinking--that's one of your gifts.

But don't you realize that you are not supposed to humiliate them for their shortcomings? Or to be so supersensitive that you take them personally and feel justified in ranting, however amusing it might be?

Instead, this is the universe's gift to you. You can help these people. You are like a doctor of the soul or of the culture's personality. You are like an entrepreneur who can see how to help a group of clients who are in need. So write stories about these people and how your narrator/hero helps them--then you will be contributing to the culture's evolution.

One day, I predict, somebody younger, from the next generation, will look at what you are doing with your gifts....

[Dave]

Oh, irony of ironies. I'm afraid the fucktard here is you, sir. The questions published in Personality Parade are plants. They're written by the staff and are no more "real" than "Walter Scott" is.

I'm a little surprised you wouldn't know that.

[tod goldberg]

I'm afraid, Dave, that in yet another ironic twist...I've been saying that for the better of a decade. Best check the archives. Oddly enough, as it turns out, about half the letters tend to come from real people...at least according the to the hate mail I get.

[kim]

Tod, sorry about your mom. My thoughts are with you and your family.