Hate Mail Makes Me Feel Funny In My Pants: Special "I Am My Brother's Keeper" Edition With Bonus Contest!

Normally when my brother Lee gets hate mail, it's actually for him. But today, because I am apparently difficult to find on the Internet, Lee received an email from a woman named Joan who was very, very angry with me. 

Dear Lee Goldberg:

I love your books. I've purchased every one of them, and was happy to see your name as part of the writing team on a recent The Glades (can you get them to let you write those books, too?).

Now, my question with some setup: I recently purchased The Fix by your brother Tod. I am a reader who absolutely loves good long and complicated sentences (like the ones written by Kate Atkinson and Laura Lippman to give a couple of examples). Your brother, however, just likes writing long, long, long sentences. As much as I love the show Burn Notice, I quit reading his book around page 80, and have no desire to see the end--or buy any of the later titles. Can you please teach your teacher-brother how to write?

I found The Fix so slow going to try to keep all the actions in sentences running 75 words or more (no, I'm not kidding) and often followed by another long sentence. He has whole paragraphs--eight to ten lines--that are all Micheal talking in one long, run-on sentence. One long sentence every few pages would be fine--heck, one every page would be fine. But when he's talking in Michael Westen narrative 90% of the sentences become 75 words or longer. It doesn't make for relaxed reading in the evening, let me tell you.

I know you're not your brother's keeper, but he credits you with giving him the leg up to get the gig. He's already lost one potential fan in me, and I'm sure I'm not going to be the only one. I would have told him this myself, but I couldn't find a website/email addy for him.

And please keep giving us the wonderful Monk series. I absolutely love those books. I can't wait for the paperbacks and always buy hardcover.

Sincerely,

Joan

I'm not sure what to say back to Joan since I don't want to get too wordy. So let's put it to a vote:

A. I don't come to your job and tell you how to suck dicks.

B. Thank you for the helpful criticism. Now, eat a tranny dick.

C. Sorry you're a bitch.

D. Thanks! Best of luck!

Or...

E. Submit your own answer! Winner receives a signed copy of a very wordy book of your choosing. Entries can be submitted here, emailed to todgoldberg@gmail.com or left on facebook.com/todgoldberg by Saturday.

Updated: While I happened to love all of the suggestions -- most notably the nearly two dozen which came via email from a gentleman named Geoff that suggested variations on "lick my balls" like "lick my balls, which are covered in lice" and "lick my balls, which your sister licked yesterday and really enjoyed" -- the grand prize winner is Brandy, who wrote: "Thank you very, very much, Joan, for your long, long email to my brother Lee Goldberg, who graciously forwarded me your unsolicited criticism of my latest novel, "The Fix," although I must say I do not recall (nor do I think I have a habit of) writing long complicated sentences, because surely if that were the case, my publisher would have pointed them out to me, let me tell you." 

Brandy will be receiving signed copies of all three Burn Notice books, because I'm feeling generous, and Geoff is receiving a signed copy of Other Resort Cities, because if nothing else, I love persistence. 

Comments

[Brenna]

Dear Joan,

Fuck you.

Love, Tod

[Brenna]

That's my contest entry, btw ^^^

I think it's quite poetic.

[Robin Russin]

She is, ironically, a huge fan of Proust.

[TamiHoshiyama]

"Joan,

Next time Google "Tod Goldberg" -- the first search result should be http://todgoldberg.typepad.com/.

Google "idiot lazy pretentious fucktoid" -- the first search result should be "Joan."

Tod"

[LindyP]

I choose f) I wouldn't dignify her with an answer... Hey, if I win, can I have one of your brother's books? According to this Joan person, you can't write...

[Alex]

"Dear Joan,

I have a long sentence for you. It starts with my johnson and ends with a five iron and a signed picture of Phillip Seymour Hoffman. But that's just the abridged verson.

Love Tod"

[Greg Morrow]

Dear Joan

Thank you for the kind letter praising my Burn Notice books. I work hard on the structure, pacing, and general wordsmithery, and I am gratified to know that it is appreciated by so many people with special needs like yourself. Please in no way consider this letter to be an invitation to remove yourself from the gene pool, no matter how shriveled your brain is.

Again, thank you for the kind words.

Tod

[Sean]

I don't know what the best response would be, but i do think it should be sent to her sister.

[Waylonrobert]

How about:

"Dear Joan,

You're reading it wrong, as it's not supposed to be a relaxing read. Also, maybe try reading the book during the day.

Thanks,
Tod "

[JAE]

There once was a fucktard named Joan.
Who really deflated my bone.
She wrote Lee a letter
(But should have known better!)
'Cause now I'm just going to have to make fun of her on the internet.

[Barry Wayne]

Dear Joan,

The Eskimos have 40 words for the kind of person you appear to be based on your note. I have at least one that rhymes with "snow," and at least one more that rhymes with "tuckfard."

Graciously yours,

The Todfather

[andreaa]

1. "joan,
you and lee deserve each other.
tod."

2. "joan,
maybe a more relaxing evening activity than reading would be sucking my balls.
tod."

[Brenna]

Despite the fact that I'm voting against myself here, I think Alex's comment is made of awesome!

[tod goldberg]

A few responses from email:

From Brandy: Thank you very, very much, Joan, for your long, long email to my brother Lee Goldberg, who graciously forwarded me your unsolicited criticism of my latest novel, "The Fix," although I must say I do not recall (nor do I think I have a habit of) writing long complicated sentences, because surely if that were the case, my publisher would have pointed them out to me, let me tell you.

From James: Joan, get a fucking life you worthless hag. (Though nice work on the math in The Fix. I had it that 92% of the narration sections ran over 75 words, but then I was counting with your dick.)

From Cindy: You might enjoy one of my non Burn Notice books, like The Surrender, which I wrote under my pen name Toni Bentley.

[jerie b.]

dear joan,

up the dosage!

best,
tod

[Ryan C.]

Dear Joan,

I have forwarded your letter to Walter Scott, who will have a response for you shortly.

Tod

P.S. It's easier to search for me online under my pen name, Elizabeth Scott.

[Brandy]

I agree with Sean... whichever response you select, it should be sent to her sister.

[Eileen Austen]

Dear Joan,
If you can't find me on the internet you are just too stupid to live.

Live from Google
Tod

[Shannon]

You have all really brightened my evening! I vote for "C".

[Brenna]

Who won your contest? And what response did you use?