Letters to Parade: The Conspiracy Is The Conspiracy!

I'm not of the opinion that everything that happens in the government is part of some grand conspiracy. For instance, I do not believe President Obama is some kind of Manchurian Candidate, put in place decades ago by Al Quaeda to eventually rule the country via Sharia law. Nor do I believe that the Freemasons are secretly running the world, that Elvis actually killed Nixon (he was murdered, if you didn't know) and that George W. Bush was actually an intricately crafted hand puppet. (I do believe Dick Cheney is actually an undead zombie, but that's not a conspiracy.) 

But, it turns out, some things actually are conspiracies. Or at least cover-ups. There was Watergate. There was the Raiders-Patriots "tuck rule" game. And then there was the wide-ranging cover-up concerning Pat Tillman's death. It's so wide ranging, so well known, and so nefarious that even Fox thought it was a bad, bad thing and didn't even bother to blame some liberal conspiracy. 

Apparently, however, a fucktard named Steven Scott of Philadelphia, PA didn't get the memo:

There's a new documentary out about Pat Tillman, who quit pro football to join the Army post-9/11. Will it be more bashing of the military?

First, discount the fact that the movie actually came out on Friday, so when the question was sent by Steven Scott, it wasn't actually out yet, so his letter either came from the future -- since Parade's editorial lead time is something like two weeks -- or Steven Scott simply has weird grammar where the future is considered the present or...well, maybe there's not actually a Steven Scott of Philadelphia, PA who is this fucking stupid and Parade just made the question up, which they've been known to do on occasion, but the name is so common that I'm going to assume that there actually is a Steven Scott in Philadelphia and he really is a fucktard, diction aside. 

If you know anything about Pat Tillman, at least enough to send a fucking letter to Parade, wouldn't it be reasonable to assume that the movie -- The Tillman Story -- might bash the military a bit since THEY COVERED UP HIS FUCKING DEATH AND LIED, AND LIED, AND LIED, AND LIED TO HIS PARENTS, HID EVIDENCE AND REFUSED TO ADMIT THEIR DECEPTION? WOULDN'T THIS INSTANCE BE A TIME TO JUSTIFIABLY BASH THE TOP MILITARY BRASS WHO LIED? 

Parade, which doesn't actually mention this rather salient detail, does provide an odd answer from the film's director, a man who has a Jewish sounding name, so he's likely part of the Zionist Agenda or The Jewish Conspiracy or part of the Trilateral Commission. The odd thing is that it really doesn't seem to be answering the question Steven Scott asked, which, like, makes me think there's some kind of conspiracy afoot here. Is it possible that Walter Scott didn't actually run from the offices of Parade with Steven Scott's question burning in his hand? Well, sure, since Walter Scott doesn't actually exist, but clearly Parade asked Amir Bar-Lev something, but god knows what: 

"I think it'll make people proud to be American," The Tillman Story director Amir Bar-Lev says. "It challenges you to see heroism in more than black-and-white terms. Pat was a hero -- but for almost none of the reasons people thought."

Comments

[Danny Barer]

I thought you'd throw in a comment about the lame grammar used in the cover blurb.

[Mike Barer]

I knew it was time to write this column again but thought that you would take on the idiot who asked why Dave Matthews named his band after himself and if he regretted doing that.

[Kaitlin Hulsy]

Very well done, Todfather. I just Lol'ed verbally.AND LIED!!! Love it.

In other news, I'm one of twelve people who still listen to Dave Matthews Band. Does Mike Barer write something that I can purchase?