Them: We received your paperwork.
Me: Great. Has this been settled? Are you sending me a check?
Them: We're researching it right now. Please hold.
Them: [five minutes later] Yes, we see that we received your fax.
Me: Right. And?
Them: We're researching it. Hold please.
Them: [Five minutes later] Okay, I just talked to my manager? And he says the system is working slowly and that we won't have answer for you right now. Later though.
Me: Later today?
Them: By next Wednesday. The system should have it taken care of by next Wednesday.
Me: Just so we're clear, I sent you copies of my bank statement that shows you overdrafted my account repeatedly. What are you researching?
Them: The system isn't working as fast as we'd like, so we're researching it and will have it resolved shortly.
Me: So, by next Wednesday?
Them: My manager says it should be less than that. But yes. Next Wednesday.
Me: And how will I know when this has been resolved?
Them: I guess maybe I could call you?
Me: That would be great.
Them: What's your phone number?
Me: You have my entire life in your hands there and you don't have my phone number?
Me: Okay. [I give them my phone number] And when will I hear from you?
Them: Probably by next Wednesday. If it hasn't been cleared up by next Wednesday, I'll call you.
Me: Okay, here's the thing: don't try to send money to that account you took money from, because I've closed it. Send me a check.
Them: To where?
Me: My house. That you have the mortgage on.
Them: That's probably what we'll do.
Me: What else would you do?
Them: We'll have this resolved by next Wednesday, Mr. Goldberg.
Me: Or you'll call.
And so we wait. And ponder renting.