Tod Goldberg

Hate Mail Makes Me Feel Funny In My Pants: Special Fucktard With Reading Comprehension Issues Edition

I'd like to think that people who purchase books are, you know, smarter than the average fucktard. I'd also like to think people mistake me for George Clooney. These are the delusions I live under. Here, in full, is an email I received today from a woman whose name and email shall remain redacted to prevent her kin from killing her:

I wouldn't normally take the time to search out an author just to tell him that I'm upset,but I feel duped! I purchased your book Other Resort Cities and not a single one of the stories has anything to do with Burn Notice. Not a single one of the stories was in any way related to Burn Notice and I found two of the stories boardering on indecent because of the violence and sexual references and swearing. That they promote your books as being about Burn Notice is bizarre and I can't believe Jeffery Donovan would want anything to do with this work that must only be inspired by the show. I have to also tell you that as a person of Jewish faith you should be ashamed of writing the story Mitzvah! It is so hateful to use your religion in a story that vile.

So I wrote her back:

The reason there's nothing about Burn Notice in Other Resort Cities is that it's not a Burn Notice book. You can tell because, well, none of the characters are characters in the TV show Burn Notice. Your first clue to this might have been that none of the characters in any of the stories are spies. There's a reason for this: It's not a Burn Notice book. I know this is confusing. Some other books that are not Burn Notice books (you can use the same test as above for these books): The Stranger by Albert Camus. You know this early on because it doesn't begin "When you're a dead Arab..." The Bible by God. Again, it doesn't start "When you're God..." You might also find it odd, should you come across the movie The Evil Dead that Sam Axe seems a little off in this movie. That's because he's not really Sam Axe in that movie. As for Mitzvah, I'm not actually a Jew. I believe in Jane's Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro and he supports the story completely. 

She wrote back one sentence:

    Are there Burn Notice books?

I responded:

    Yes.

She wrote back:

    Who writes them?

I wrote back:

    Someone named Tod Goldberg.

She wrote back:

    Well then it's a mistake anyone could make. But I won't be buying those books now, either. I don't think your a very good writer.

I wrote back:

    Thanks! I don't think you're a very good reader.  

Bank of America Would Like Me To Know That I Am One Day Closer To An Indeterminate Date

Me: I was told that my account would be settled by Wednesday and that someone would call. No one has called, so I thought I should call.

Them: I see. Okay. Let me look at your account. I see that on Monday your check was approved and now it's just waiting to get approved.

Me: So, my check has been approved and it's just waiting to get approved?

Them: Yes.

Me: What does that mean?

Them: It shows...

Me: What's "it"? 

Them: The system. 

Me: Okay. Go ahead.

Them: The system shows that on the 17th you received approval for your check to be drawn and now we're just waiting for approval.

Me: Approval for what?

Them: Approval for the check to be sent.

Me: So, just so I understand, on the 17th you received approval to cut me a check and now you're waiting for approval to send the check?

Them: The system says we're just waiting for approval, yes.

Me: I'm sorry. I don't understand. Am I going to get a check sent to me? 

Them: If it's approved, yes.

Me: So it was approved to be drawn, but until it's approved to be sent, it's up in the air?

Them: Yes. You're one step closer.

Me: And when is this going to be resolved?

Them: There's no time table.

Me: Okay, so I understand: On Monday, approval was given to pay me back the money you owe me.

Them: Yes.

Me: And now, we're waiting to find out if there will be approval for you to, uh, mail me the money that I've been approved to receive?

Them: Yes. The Payment Research department needs to approve that. But like I said, you're one step closer. 

Me: One step closer to an indeterminate time when approval may be given to mail me my check.

Them: That's correct. 

My Conversation With Bank of America Home Loans Today

Them: We received your paperwork.

Me: Great. Has this been settled? Are you sending me a check?

Them: We're researching it right now. Please hold.

Me: Great. 

Them: [five minutes later] Yes, we see that we received your fax.

Me: Right. And?

Them: We're researching it. Hold please.

Me: Sure.

Them: [Five minutes later] Okay, I just talked to my manager? And he says the system is working slowly and that we won't have answer for you right now. Later though.

Me: Later today?

Them: By next Wednesday. The system should have it taken care of by next Wednesday.

Me: Just so we're clear, I sent you copies of my bank statement that shows you overdrafted my account repeatedly. What are you researching?

Them: The system isn't working as fast as we'd like, so we're researching it and will have it resolved shortly. 

Me: So, by next Wednesday?

Them: My manager says it should be less than that. But yes. Next Wednesday.

Me: And how will I know when this has been resolved?

Them: 

Me:

Them: I guess maybe I could call you?

Me: That would be great.

Them: What's your phone number?

Me: You have my entire life in your hands there and you don't have my phone number?

Them: No.

Me: Okay. [I give them my phone number] And when will I hear from you? 

Them: Probably by next Wednesday. If it hasn't been cleared up by next Wednesday, I'll call you.

Me: Okay, here's the thing: don't try to send money to that account you took money from, because I've closed it. Send me a check. 

Them: To where?

Me: My house. That you have the mortgage on.

Them: That's probably what we'll do.

Me: What else would you do?

Them: We'll have this resolved by next Wednesday, Mr. Goldberg.

Me: Or you'll call.

Them: Yes.

And so we wait. And ponder renting. 

An Open Letter to Bank Of America Home Loans

Dear Bank of America Home Loans,

Let me start by saying that if you have a dick, I'd like you to stick it into a threshing machine or, barring farm machinery at the ready, a slow dip into a bottle of boric acid would do the trick. 

I'd also like to say that though you feel the need to research it to confirm that it's true and then return me my money, I can assure you that in the last thirty days you have, in fact, tried to remove my mortgage from my bank account five times. This might seem odd to you since you'd already received my mortgage payment. It seemed odd to me. But in fact, no, it must not have been all that odd to you since you did that exact same thing the previous month. I know, it's a funny situation involving your system. That's what you told me. "Something funny must be going on with our system." Actually, let me replay the conversation to you in case you've forgotten it: 

Me: ...and so you've now electronically attempted to take out my mortgage five times in the last 30 days. As you might imagine, this is causing me problems. Because it turns out I don't have an infinite amount of money in my checking account. So every time you take out my mortgage, it ends up, you know, subtracting that amount from my checking account.  

You: Sir, I show that you didn't pay your mortgage.

Me: Yes, I did. On the 1st. And then you took it back out on the 3rd and the 5th and the 7th. If you're confused, look at April. You did the same thing then. 

You: Hold on. My system is slow. Oh, okay, yes. You did pay your mortgage. Let me remove that late fee. 

Me: Late fee? How can I have a late fee when you've attempted to take $10,000 from me in the last 30 days?

You: Right. You weren't late. Let me check the system.

Me: I can tell you, the money has left my account. My mortgage is paid and you've kindly overdrawn my account. 5 times. You even attempted to take money out of a bank account that I don't even have anymore. You owe me for all of the returned check fees I've been charged.

You: That's not our problem, sir, if you didn't have money in the bank. You'll need to talk to your bank about that.

Me: I HAD MONEY IN THE BANK. YOU TOOK IT FIVE TIMES.     

You: You'll have to talk to your bank about that.

Me: No, I won't. This is your problem.

You: Let me talk to a supervisor. [five minutes elapse] Something funny must be going on with our system.

Me: This is a dystopian nightmare. 

You: I don't know what dystopian means.

Me: This. It means this. 

As you can see, Bank of America, it's a little frustrating dealing with you primarily because you're absolute fucktards. So, just to confirm, yes, I'm going to fax to you all of my fucking information again. And just to confirm, yes, you're going to somehow fuck me again next month. And just to confirm, I'd rather have the mafia holding my mortgage since at least I generally know their "system". 

All best wishes, and hopes for a slow, painful, anal-crab-filled death,

Tod