Hate Mail Makes Me Feel Funny In My Pants: Special Fucktard With Reading Comprehension Issues Edition

I'd like to think that people who purchase books are, you know, smarter than the average fucktard. I'd also like to think people mistake me for George Clooney. These are the delusions I live under. Here, in full, is an email I received today from a woman whose name and email shall remain redacted to prevent her kin from killing her:

I wouldn't normally take the time to search out an author just to tell him that I'm upset,but I feel duped! I purchased your book Other Resort Cities and not a single one of the stories has anything to do with Burn Notice. Not a single one of the stories was in any way related to Burn Notice and I found two of the stories boardering on indecent because of the violence and sexual references and swearing. That they promote your books as being about Burn Notice is bizarre and I can't believe Jeffery Donovan would want anything to do with this work that must only be inspired by the show. I have to also tell you that as a person of Jewish faith you should be ashamed of writing the story Mitzvah! It is so hateful to use your religion in a story that vile.

So I wrote her back:

The reason there's nothing about Burn Notice in Other Resort Cities is that it's not a Burn Notice book. You can tell because, well, none of the characters are characters in the TV show Burn Notice. Your first clue to this might have been that none of the characters in any of the stories are spies. There's a reason for this: It's not a Burn Notice book. I know this is confusing. Some other books that are not Burn Notice books (you can use the same test as above for these books): The Stranger by Albert Camus. You know this early on because it doesn't begin "When you're a dead Arab..." The Bible by God. Again, it doesn't start "When you're God..." You might also find it odd, should you come across the movie The Evil Dead that Sam Axe seems a little off in this movie. That's because he's not really Sam Axe in that movie. As for Mitzvah, I'm not actually a Jew. I believe in Jane's Addiction guitarist Dave Navarro and he supports the story completely. 

She wrote back one sentence:

    Are there Burn Notice books?

I responded:

    Yes.

She wrote back:

    Who writes them?

I wrote back:

    Someone named Tod Goldberg.

She wrote back:

    Well then it's a mistake anyone could make. But I won't be buying those books now, either. I don't think your a very good writer.

I wrote back:

    Thanks! I don't think you're a very good reader.  

Comments

[Brenna]

That exchange is an example of why you are made of awesome :)

[Elizabeth Crane]

Tod, I do not at all appreciate your disabusing me of my notion that people in general are not so stupid as this.

[Vic]

You know, I had the same complaint. I have both your "Burn Notice" books and neither had references to Sal Cuperine or Rabbi David Cohen. I will once again buy your upcoming "Burn Notice" hoping that this one will have references to at least Tania. Or perhaps a passing nod in a crowded Miami hotel lobby between Michael Westen and Dexter Morgan. Anyhow, the Summer of '10 is shaping up to be much like the Spielberg Summer of '82 when "ET" and "Poltergeist" were released. This summer we'll have two Goldberg books out. And to top it off? Rabkin's next "Psych" in August.

[Matthew Zapruder]

Dear Tod Goldberg, we are sitting here thinking about your book Other Resort Cities. We are upset that we are not actually IN a resort city when we read it. We feel this is false advertising boardering on indecency. If you could please write books about us and our moms we would really appreciate it. Otherwise we want our money back. Plus, we would like a gift card for Starbucks and also Barnes and Noble and the Gap because your book was not about spies. Sincerely Sarah Karlinsky Matthew Zapruder and Dorothea Lasky.

[jill]

Tod, you are boardering on indecent!

[Darwido]

Wow. I know how you feel, though. My ex-husband's girlfriend often chooses to harass me with her sheer stupidity. If you want a good laugh, I'll send you one of our exchanges. I've even had exchanges with her mother. It's easy to see where the girl gets her intellect (or rather her lack thereof. I've had other great stories of stupidity, as well. We'll have to exchange...

[David Zarkin]

At least people are responding to you and aren't confusing you with the actor Adam Goldberg who was in "Two Days in Paris" and has tattoos or Molly Goldberg who was in a 50s sitcom and is the subject of a documentary and doesn't have tattoos as far as we know.