Dear Bank of America Home Loans,
Let me start by saying that if you have a dick, I'd like you to stick it into a threshing machine or, barring farm machinery at the ready, a slow dip into a bottle of boric acid would do the trick.
I'd also like to say that though you feel the need to research it to confirm that it's true and then return me my money, I can assure you that in the last thirty days you have, in fact, tried to remove my mortgage from my bank account five times. This might seem odd to you since you'd already received my mortgage payment. It seemed odd to me. But in fact, no, it must not have been all that odd to you since you did that exact same thing the previous month. I know, it's a funny situation involving your system. That's what you told me. "Something funny must be going on with our system." Actually, let me replay the conversation to you in case you've forgotten it:
Me: ...and so you've now electronically attempted to take out my mortgage five times in the last 30 days. As you might imagine, this is causing me problems. Because it turns out I don't have an infinite amount of money in my checking account. So every time you take out my mortgage, it ends up, you know, subtracting that amount from my checking account.
You: Sir, I show that you didn't pay your mortgage.
Me: Yes, I did. On the 1st. And then you took it back out on the 3rd and the 5th and the 7th. If you're confused, look at April. You did the same thing then.
You: Hold on. My system is slow. Oh, okay, yes. You did pay your mortgage. Let me remove that late fee.
Me: Late fee? How can I have a late fee when you've attempted to take $10,000 from me in the last 30 days?
You: Right. You weren't late. Let me check the system.
Me: I can tell you, the money has left my account. My mortgage is paid and you've kindly overdrawn my account. 5 times. You even attempted to take money out of a bank account that I don't even have anymore. You owe me for all of the returned check fees I've been charged.
You: That's not our problem, sir, if you didn't have money in the bank. You'll need to talk to your bank about that.
Me: I HAD MONEY IN THE BANK. YOU TOOK IT FIVE TIMES.
You: You'll have to talk to your bank about that.
Me: No, I won't. This is your problem.
You: Let me talk to a supervisor. [five minutes elapse] Something funny must be going on with our system.
Me: This is a dystopian nightmare.
You: I don't know what dystopian means.
Me: This. It means this.
As you can see, Bank of America, it's a little frustrating dealing with you primarily because you're absolute fucktards. So, just to confirm, yes, I'm going to fax to you all of my fucking information again. And just to confirm, yes, you're going to somehow fuck me again next month. And just to confirm, I'd rather have the mafia holding my mortgage since at least I generally know their "system".
All best wishes, and hopes for a slow, painful, anal-crab-filled death,