An Open Letter to Bank Of America Home Loans

Dear Bank of America Home Loans,

Let me start by saying that if you have a dick, I'd like you to stick it into a threshing machine or, barring farm machinery at the ready, a slow dip into a bottle of boric acid would do the trick. 

I'd also like to say that though you feel the need to research it to confirm that it's true and then return me my money, I can assure you that in the last thirty days you have, in fact, tried to remove my mortgage from my bank account five times. This might seem odd to you since you'd already received my mortgage payment. It seemed odd to me. But in fact, no, it must not have been all that odd to you since you did that exact same thing the previous month. I know, it's a funny situation involving your system. That's what you told me. "Something funny must be going on with our system." Actually, let me replay the conversation to you in case you've forgotten it: 

Me: ...and so you've now electronically attempted to take out my mortgage five times in the last 30 days. As you might imagine, this is causing me problems. Because it turns out I don't have an infinite amount of money in my checking account. So every time you take out my mortgage, it ends up, you know, subtracting that amount from my checking account.  

You: Sir, I show that you didn't pay your mortgage.

Me: Yes, I did. On the 1st. And then you took it back out on the 3rd and the 5th and the 7th. If you're confused, look at April. You did the same thing then. 

You: Hold on. My system is slow. Oh, okay, yes. You did pay your mortgage. Let me remove that late fee. 

Me: Late fee? How can I have a late fee when you've attempted to take $10,000 from me in the last 30 days?

You: Right. You weren't late. Let me check the system.

Me: I can tell you, the money has left my account. My mortgage is paid and you've kindly overdrawn my account. 5 times. You even attempted to take money out of a bank account that I don't even have anymore. You owe me for all of the returned check fees I've been charged.

You: That's not our problem, sir, if you didn't have money in the bank. You'll need to talk to your bank about that.

Me: I HAD MONEY IN THE BANK. YOU TOOK IT FIVE TIMES.     

You: You'll have to talk to your bank about that.

Me: No, I won't. This is your problem.

You: Let me talk to a supervisor. [five minutes elapse] Something funny must be going on with our system.

Me: This is a dystopian nightmare. 

You: I don't know what dystopian means.

Me: This. It means this. 

As you can see, Bank of America, it's a little frustrating dealing with you primarily because you're absolute fucktards. So, just to confirm, yes, I'm going to fax to you all of my fucking information again. And just to confirm, yes, you're going to somehow fuck me again next month. And just to confirm, I'd rather have the mafia holding my mortgage since at least I generally know their "system". 

All best wishes, and hopes for a slow, painful, anal-crab-filled death,

Tod

Comments

[Brenna]

The minute I read the title of this blog entry, I knew it was going to be hilarious. I'm sorry I take so much pleasure in your pain. Good luck for next month. If you get this all fixed, maybe you can take on my problem with the hospital that wants to charge me because they didn't get a proper authorization from my insurance before my surgery. It's amazing how they can make that MY fault.

[tod goldberg]

Brenna, the very same thing about the hospital is happening to my brother right now. He started getting bills in the tens of thousands of dollars a few weeks ago for a surgery he had several months ago.

[Marcia]

Dude....freakin Bank of America needs to just quit the banking business already. They conveniently forgot to pay our home owners insurance, because when they bought our loan (lucky us!)they didn't happen to mention it to the insurance company. It took my husband 2 days of speaking with idiots who told him something different every time for me to get this fixed. And I didn't fix it through them, I fixed it through the insurance company. Fucktards, indeed!

[Elizabeth Crane]

Tod, that's so fucked up!!!

[JD Rhoades]

This is why I never authorize direct withdrawals. I don't even use PayPal anymore.

[customer]

Bank of America home Loans should be shut down forever. Bank of America - assholes!

[Brenna]

Tod, did Lee get the problem worked out? Supposedly the manager of the manager I talked to is straightening it out. In theory.

Regarding your follow-up post about this, I'm willing to bet they try to put the money back into your now-closed account. I'm looking forward to reading your next entry :)

[Anna]

Sadly, I also have a mortgage through B of A. I didn't choose to automatically have the payments taken out, thank god. Unfortunately, I've seen lots of news of that bank stealing, trashing, and foreclosing the wrong houses many times. We can only hope that it never goes that far with our houses because of their system being too slow.

[Cap'n Bob]

I left them 40 years ago and haven't regretted it a minute. I've noticed they're now running commercials on The History Channel claiming to be one of the founding banks of 13 colony America. Liars. It was Bank of Italy in San Francisco in the 19th century before becoming BofA. It may have swallowed up a bank that was founded in the early days, but that doesn't make it a cornerstone institution of the US. Liars, liars, liars.

[Tania]

Yep, they are thieves with a smile...we have our mortgage with them, after they bought Countrywide and it has been a nightmare...they forgot to add two payments and they were threatening with taking over the house...can't wait to get rid of them!

[Jack]

Please-if anyone in the government reads this (which I doubt) DO NOT bail out the banks next time. I became unemployed and BOA offered a three month "special forebearnce" during which time the payments are "suspended" and the told me that the payments would NOT be reported as late. WRONG!!!! They lie about the "not reported as late" part. The DO report the payments as late (even though they are "suspended") and ruined my credit! I would have been better off had the banks failed!!!!

[Steven Neff]

I have never dealt with such fucking idiots as bank of America. It does not surprise me my ex-wifes new husband works for them. As many others in this economy I got behind in my mortgage 5 months. The whole time I was laid off I called Bank of America consyantly to keep them updated and make sure my home would not go into forclosure. I was promised a furlough which I never recieved and now my home is indeed in forclosure. The sad thing is I sent a certified check for 2 months as instructed only to be told they don't have to accept it. What a bunch of morons, they would rather forclose than work with me over a couple thousand dollars. How B of A is still in business is the biggest shocker of all

[Jane M.]

Fucktards. LOVE IT. Just found your site when i decided to do a google seach "bank of america are assholes". I actually sent the president an email and told him this:

Dear Brian,
If you could, please take your right hand, put it between your legs and check to see if you are a man. Because in my eyes, you are a pathetic excuse for one. Don't have the balls to contact me directly"

Everytime I write him, I get a call from some BofAsshole lacky who is clueless. 4 years dealing with them and still no resolve. Fucktards.

Thank you for making me laugh today.