.jpg)
If there's one thing everyone knows about me, I love helping people. And by "helping" I usually mean "mocking" and by "people' I usually mean "fucktards" but nevertheless, I happen to love the LA Times Festival of Books and have attended every year but one -- that was the year I was in prison for killing that drifter, which was totally worth it creatively -- so I feel like I have a good perspective on the panels that you (meaning "you" not "fucktards") should attend. So here are a few:
10:30 AM
Mystery: The Pageturners
PANEL CODE: 1011
Moderator: Ms. Mary McNamara
Mr. David Ellis
Mr. Andrew Gross
Mr. Gregg Hurwitz
Ms. Karin Slaughter
Let's just call a spade a spade here: Gregg Hurwitz is the crime writer who puts the satin in your panties, as 2Pac once said.
12:00 PM
Mary & Carol Higgins Clark in Conversation with Connie Martinson
PANEL CODE: 1012
o Interviewer: Ms. Connie Martinson
o Ms. Carol Higgins Clark
o Ms. Mary Higgins Clark
Mary Higgins Clark and I were involved in a sub-dom relationship for nearly a decade and, because of that, I always attend her panels.
10:30 AM
Fiction: Writing the Other
PANEL CODE: 1021
o Moderator: Mr.Alex Espinoza
o Mr. Leonard Chang
o Ms. Marilyn Chin
o Ms. Chitra Divakaruni
o Ms. Petina Gappah
Alex Espinoza is my friend and if I know anything -- and I know next to nothing about most of the writers on this panel -- it's that Alex will conduct this panel with great dignity and will likely then call me later to gossip about who might have been a fucktard on said panel.
12:30 PM
History: The Struggle for a Better Tomorrow
PANEL CODE: 1042
o Moderator: Ms. Celeste Fremon
o Ms. Miriam Pawel
o Mr. Richard Rayner
o Mr. Peter Schrag
The Struggle for a Better Tomorrow was my favorite Star Trek movie, so I'm curious to see how this panel unfolds. Also, since my pal Celeste is down with the gangstas, I have a feeling that if anyone steps to her wrong on this panel, someone's gonna get a cap put in their ass.
12:00 PM
Poetic Interludes
PANEL CODE: 1082
o Moderator: Ms. Eloise Klein Healy
o Ms. Gabrielle Calvocoressi
o Mr. Mark Doty
o Ms. Amy Gerstler
o Ms. Brenda Hillman
I know a grand total of about seven poets. Amy Gerstler is one of the seven and Mark Doty, while I don't know him, wrote a really good book about dogs and, you know, I love dogs. So, yeah. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that no one will speak in poet voice on the actual panel.
11:00 AM
Fiction: Life Stories
PANEL CODE: 1091
o Moderator: Mr. David Kipen
o Mr. Paul Harding
o Mr. Colson Whitehead
o Mr. Rafael Yglesias
Paul Harding just won the Pulitzer Prize. So, while part of me thinks, Fuck that guy! Where's my Pulitzer! Another part of me thinks, Huh, I should pick up his book. And then another part of me thinks, You know, David Kipen never gave me an NEA grant when he ran that joint and therefore I should boycott this shit. And then another part of me thinks, I do really like Colson Whitehead's books and I do follow him on Twitter so we're pretty much bff and he might be pissed if I don't show up. So, it's a quandary.
2:00 PM
Fiction: Behind Closed Doors
PANEL CODE: 1093
o Moderator: Mr. Jim Ruland
o Mr. Frank X. Gaspar
o Mr. Tod Goldberg
o Mr. Michael Jaime-Becerra
Clearly, this is the panel that will fundamentally alter your view of fiction. Or, at the very least, you'll get to see me and my Latino doppelganger Michael.
11:00AM
Rebooting Culture: Narrative & Information in the New Age
PANEL CODE: 1101
o Moderator: Mr. David L. Ulin
o Mr. Nicholas Carr
o Mr. Ander Monson
o Mr. David Shields
A powerhouse lineup of authors -- I have a man crush on Ander Monson that borders on profane.
2:00 PM
Fiction: Writing the Fantastic
PANEL CODE: 1103
o Moderator: Mr. Scott Timberg
o Ms. Aimee Bender
o Mr. Lev Grossman
o Mr. Victor LaValle
I love Aimee Bender -- she knows, so it's not creepy. Or, well, maybe it is creepy. But I love her personally. Wait. I mean. Okay. Let's change words. I like Aimee. I love her work. I thinks she's a bad motherfucker. And Lev Grossman is, I think, a Jew and I love me some Jews, so that's cool. And I don't know who Victor LaValle is, but his name is bad ass and should be a villain's name in something super violent. And the Times should rehire Scott Timberg.
3:30 PM
James Ellroy in Conversation with Joseph Wambaugh
PANEL CODE: 1104
o Interviewer: Mr. Joseph Wambaugh
o Mr. James EllroyThough I know Joseph and James are friends, if this were a just world, Joseph would be cuffing James and taking him away for whatever it is James has done (sniffing panties, sniffing more panties, allowing Steve Hodel to write that book where he said his [Hodel's] father was every serial killer in American history, including the Black Dahlia [which I found plausible...but I think book intimated that Hodel's father also killed Kenny from South Park].
2:30 PM
Carol Burnett in Conversation with Mary McNamara
PANEL CODE: 1123
o Interviewer: Ms. Mary McNamara
o Ms. Carol Burnett
It's Carol Burnett, for fuck's sake.
1:30 PM
Dave Eggers in Conversation with David L. Ulin
PANEL CODE: 1073
o Interviewer: Mr. David L. Ulin
o Mr. Dave Eggers
This will either be great or it will be odd and awkward and people will wonder what the fuck they've just seen.
3:00 PM
Yann Martel in Conversation with Michael Silverblatt
PANEL CODE: 1074
o Interviewer: Mr. Michael Silverblatt
o Mr. Yann Martel
I've just received an excerpt from this interview:
Silverblatt: Yann, I've read your new book and was struck not by the absence of Bengal tigers as much as by the missing of Bengal tigers, to the point that I felt a gaping hole in space, the size of which an infinite number of Bengal tigers could crawl, or walk, or yawn, and yet, still, as Rilke said, the book seemed alive with an animal ferocity, like a tiger, or a panther, or puma made of the gold of our hearts, as Donald Hall said in his poem about Jane Kenyon, and yet, still, I am left to ponder, wither the Bengal tiger?
Martel: Where's the green room?
1:30 PM
Fiction: In Brief
PANEL CODE: 1063
o Moderator: Mr. Mark Rozzo
o Mr. Ron Carlson
o Ms. Antonya Nelson
o Ms. Marisa SilverThree excellent short story writers and a critic (Rozzo) who once called one of my books "a jumbo concession stand Pepsi" but in a good way. I think.
12:00 PM Current Interest:
Journalists Uncover the Larger Story PANEL CODE: 1112 o Moderator: Mr. Hector Tobar o Mr. Dave Cullen o Mr. Rick Wartzman o Mr. Barry Siegel Two words: Dave Cullen. Love. Infinite love. 3:00 PM Mystery: Thrill
Ride PANEL CODE: 1034 o Moderator: Mr. Lee Goldberg o Mr. David Corbett o Ms. Gayle Lynds o Mr. Christopher Rice My brother Lee is sure to offend at least one of the panelists. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say its Gayle. 11:00 AM Mystery: The
Kingpins PANEL CODE: 1051 o Moderator: Ms. Paula L. Woods o Mr. Michael Connelly o Mr. Robert Crais o Mr. T. Jefferson Parker A pretty impressive panel of LA's finest crime writers. Also, three writers with pretty terrific hair.
Comments