Letters To Parade: And, Marilyn, Could You Convince Me Bigfoot Doesn't Exist, Too?

The burden of being the Smartest Person On The Face Of The Earth (as Marilyn Vos Savant absolutely is, or claims to be, or was anointed by the Scientologists or the Vatican or the secret cabal of Jews who run the liberal media or by virtue of having the largest brain stem according to the Guinness Book of World Records) is that you end up being the final word on some of humanity's most important questions as posed by, of course, humanity's biggest fucktards. There was the time she solved the gay, of course, and there was that time she solved some complex equation involving, uh, Monty Hall that still has mathematical geniuses the world over jerking off all over themselves in anger and resentment. But rarely has Marilyn needed to solve a question of bigger and more profound importance that what looms as humanity's most enduring mystery: The presumptive end of the world when the Mayan calendar ends in 2012. 

D. Jones of Hanover, Mass has some real worries, it seems, and even though he lives in a state that just elected the fucking Manchurian Candidate -- check the hair, people -- and even though John Cusack already saved the world from 2012 this summer by standing in front of it playing "In Your Eyes" on a boom box (I didn't see the movie, but I assume that's how he did it), he still feels the need to turn to the one person on earth who can convince him that the world is not going belly up on January 1st, 2013:

"I am worried about the year 2012, when the Mayan calendar is said to predict the end of the world in December. Can you add some logic to calm the hysteria?"

I know when I'm concerned about a particular fucktard conspiracy -- the Illuminati, President Obama's birth record, the Zionist conspiracy, JaMarcus Russell's plot to ruin my fucking life -- the first place I turn to for truth and honesty is Parade, the magazine which brought us Osama Bin Laden's death, Barbaro's great health and Lindsey Lohan's clean living ways. I mean, D. Jones could just pick up an old calendar from, say, 2009 and note that there's not another month after December and then fist himself to see if he's still living here in 2010. Or he could even go to Staples and pick up an 18 month calendar and really fuck with himself, I suppose. That D. Jones accurately calls his emotional state of being "hysteria" is somewhat surprising, though knowing you're crazy doesn't stop you from being crazy. But knowing you're crazy and thinking Marilyn Vos Savant is somehow going to make it all right means, well, that means you're crazy and a complete and utter fucktard. You trust Marilyn Vos Savant with the fate of humanity, at least as you see it, anyway. And that, well, that's fucking scary in ways I cannot quantify.

Fortunately, Marilyn has the answers...or, well, she provides some logic but still gives this fucking maniac D. Jones, who is likely building a bunker in his backyard made entirely out of cocker spaniel heads and the hair he collects from the garbage bins behind Fantastic Sams, a window of possibility:

"Logic can't prove that the prediction is wrong, but it can offer plenty of reassurance in the form of this reasoning: The Mayans were smart, but they weren't any smarter than we are, we are vastly more knowledgeable in every way. Plus, present-day science is far in advance of what was known only a century ago, and the peak of the Mayan civilization was more than 1000 years ago. And modern scientists don't predict that anything especially troubling will occur during the year 2012."

I imagine D. Jones' response would probably be: "So, so, so, that shit could happen then? Because scientists are part of the Zionist conspiracy. None of them say Jesus rode dinosaurs, you know, so I don't believe a word they say. Jesus was alive over a 1000 years ago, too, and everything he says is true, so that 1000 year thing, that doesn't hold water with me. I mean, basically, what you're saying is, yeah, it could happen. Would you advocate that I hoard gold or gasoline? And if shit goes Thunderdome, where do I have the best chance to survive those rabid little kids?"

Comments

[Antoine Wilson]

Thank you for this. You have made me very happy.

[twitter.com/trow125]

Tod, did you see the question in last week's Parade about Conan O'Brien? It's another example of their hilariously bad timing. "Why does Conan O’Brien wear a black suit on every program? Doesn’t he have much of a wardrobe? -Charles Chick, Muskegon, Mich." "Our first guess was that Conan respectfully turned to a more formal wardrobe when he took over the big show in June. He tells us otherwise. 'I’m flattered that you think I’m wearing darker suits out of reverence for The Tonight Show,' he says. 'The truth is, due to NBC budget cuts, I’m forced to wear Brian Williams’ hand-me-downs. Between you and me, that man needs to cut back on the pasta.'"

[twitter.com/trow125]

Janice Kaplan fired from Parade!!!

[Donna]

Tod,

Love the term "fucktard", who would have thought that a word that starts with fuck would be more PC than the rarely used but very decriptive retard. I've been on a personal campaign to bring back the word retard, imagine my surprise this week when the white house and Rush Limbaugh supported that cause. OK, that makes me uncomfortable.....Rush really is a retard.