The above headline is what I expected to find on the cover of Parade this week, since Parade is notable for declaring the living dead, the dead living and the in between, well, somewhere Ernest Borgnine is still angry about something, I'm sure. I suspect next week will bring the Jackson cavalcade to the pages of Parade. I predict that Walter Scott will be there to answer all the important questions. In fact, my sources tell me the following Q&A will appear next Sunday:
Q. My wife and I have a bet involving anal play (for me!) that I hope you can settle. I say Micahel Jackson is actually still alive and his entire "death" is a deliberate ruse to boost 8-track sales of The Wiz soundtrack. My wife doesn't think this is true. Please settle this bet as an unlubed fisting rides on it! -- P. Blue, Milton-Freewater, Oregon
A. Tell your wife to crack her knuckles and get to work! Our sources tell us that Michael is alive and well and will be starring in the Hallmark Hall of Fame film I Walk The Moon this Tuesday. Don't believe the rumors! Mike Jack is back!
The problem here is that there's a really good chance this is being typeset somewhere in Parade's offices as we speak, editor Janice Kaplan trying to figure out a euphemism for anal play that might not offend the gentle sensibilities of her made up readers. Like, say, the four letter writers to Parade this week who, oddly, asked that their names not be used. There's M. White and M. Brown and A.M. and Mike B, too, which makes me wonder which lazy intern was charged with coming up with the fake names this week and settled on the letter M as the go to initial. I mean, isn't that one of those letters you get for free on Wheel of Fortune? That M. Yellow wasn't used this week only means he (or she) will be writing in next week.
But, indeed, the readers do have a gentle sensibility. Either that or the readers are suffering from terrible brain injuries or parvo or the piles or consumption. Something, anyway. Let's examine M. White, for instance, who writes in to ask:
Q Why would Mischa Barton choose to appear as a deranged stalker in her new film, Homecoming?—M. White, Newark, N.J.
Gee, that's a good question, M. Why would an actor choose to act? Let's see.
1. It's their job, you fucktard.
2. When you portray something in a movie, you, uh, don't have to become that thing. It's make believe. It's not unlike you, M. White. A make-believe person.
3. They get paid scads of money.
4. Pretending is fun!
5. You might be suprised to learn that they don't make movies about people who live in their parents' basement and spend their days jerking off to Farscape fan fiction and thus films typically need to have what we call "conflict" in them.
6. Perhaps Mischa Barton is batshit and likes playing batshit characters because it doesn't take a lot of work. Just show up and act batshit.
Of course, the nice thing about Parade is that they are always right on the vanguard of things and thus must have been terribly surprised when Barton was 5150'd last week considering she's always been, you know, totally reliable...uh...wait..well, anyway, she was 5150'd four days before the magazine came out, which isn't a lot of lead time, I'll grant, but plenty of lead time for them to, you know, note the issue in their new fangled Information Super Highway Website in light of her answer to the question below. I suppose this isn't as egregious as Parade declaring Lindsey Lohan clean and sober the day she was arrested with all of Colombia in her pocket (which, as I recall, she said she was "just holding for a friend named Tony Montana"), but, well, it's pretty close:
A “Because I’m attracted to characters who are a departure from my own experience,” the former star of Fox’s The O.C. tells us. “My character goes to extremes, which is one of the reasons she was so much fun to play.”
Hmm. Well, we send our best wishes to Barton. Going batshit can't be fun. As for the fucktards at Parade who conveniently make up questions about stars just prior to their new projects being released, I say do a little research prior to sending things to print. That way you'll avoid the shame that goes along with the planned Paula Abdul Q&A from M. Orange:
Q. It's so great to see Paula Abdul so lucid! What's her secret to keeping her mental faculties at such a high Marilyn Vos Savant level? My wife says it's all vitamin B. I guess it's Diprevan. A three some with the gardener is is riding on this!
A. "My faith in god is so strong," sources tell us Abdul told her dog. "I just thank god for the chance to goat fudge lip needle beat on the side of bacon."
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