Your Annotated Guide To The LA Times Festival Of Books

This coming weekend is the 14th annual LA Times Festival of Books, which, if you like books, is made from the very fabric of awesome. If you love books, it's intellectual bukkake. (I mean this in a good way, I assure you.)

I'm doing a bunch of stuff at the festival, including signing copies of my new Burn Notice book, The End Game, which will be on sale at the Book Festival a full two weeks before its in-store release date. 

On Saturday, I'm moderating a panel on Humor & Race with Larry Wilmore, Lalo Alcaraz and Christian Lander. The panel begins at 3:30 and is followed by a booksigning.

On Sunday, I'll be a guest on panel called Enough About You: Fiction & Humor, moderated by the Artist Formerly Known As Pinky, Carolyn Kellogg, and I'll be joined by Seth Greenland and Ben Greenman. The panel begins at 12:30 and is followed by a booksigning.

Then, at 2, I'll be signing in the Mystery Bookstore booth with my brother Lee, followed by a 3:00 signing at Mysterious Galaxy, both of which will have copies of my new Burn Notice book. 

I also intend to spend a good sum of time in booth #359, which is being hosted by the UCR-Palm Desert MFA in Creative Writing & Writing for the Performing Arts. There will be free pens in this booth. There will be famous authors in the booth all day both days -- Mark Haskell Smith, Bill Rabkin, Mary Yukari Waters, Deanne Stillman, Rob Roberge, MG Lord and 100s (okay, maybe less than 100s) of others. So stop by. Get some education. And a pen.

I'll be twittering all weekend long, so come back and check the feed over the weekend to read about my interactions with fucktards...

 

Now, as a public service to you, my reading public, I thought I'd recommend a few events of interest taking place as well:

Saturday:

Alyssa Milano
Author of “Safe at Home: Confessions of a Baseball Fanatic,” interviewed by Jon Weisman

A conversation I had with Wendy about this panel:

Me: Hey, Alyssa Milano is going to be at the Book Festival.

Wendy: Yeah?

Me: Yeah. So, I ask that you act like an adult if she wants to get with me.

Wendy: I'll see what I can do.

Me: I mean, I'm not going to force the issue. But if it happens, it happens.

Wendy: Isn't she all about baseball players?

Me: I'm in a fantasy league. So, I'm like a GM.

Wendy:

Me: And she's dated some guys who really have gone into the tank, frankly.

Wendy:

Me: Oooh, that hot chef Giada and Brooke Shields are also going to be at the Book Festival. 

Wendy: 

Me: Potential fantasy girl-fight!

Wendy:

Me: Anyway. 

Wendy: 

Me: Just saying. If she's in the green room, it's on.

Wendy: You're an idiot.

Mystery: A Dark & Stormy Night
   Moderator   Mr. Lee Goldberg
   Ms. Jan Burke
   Mr. Stephen J. Cannell
   Mr. Robert Dugoni
   Mr. Craig Johnson

Lee is a good moderator. He's not as good as me, certainly, but the kid has his own charms. Plus, any panels with Stephen J. Cannell are worth your time. The thing about Stephen, and I mean this, is that he smells really good and dresses like a  sexy PI. And he created Jim Rockford. If memory serves, Jan also once brought a dildo to one of her panels, so there's a chance she might anally rape Lee in the middle of the panel, which, I think we can all agree, is something a lot of people would pay to see.

Mary & Carol Higgins Clark in
Conversation with Amy Alkon
   Interviewer   Ms. Amy Alkon
   Ms. Mary Higgins Clark
   Ms. Carol Higgins Clark

Every year Mary Higgins Clark and her, uh, daughter? Sister? Siamese twin? Manitou?Carol do an event  together. And every year, I walk past their subsequent book signing and ponder just what the fuck I've done wrong in my life that I don't have that many people wearing fanny packs at my book signings.

Mysteries in Black & White
   Moderator   Ms. Sarah Weinman
   Ms. Denise Hamilton
   Mr. Michael Koryta
   Mr. Simon Lewis

I'm a little upset. Usually I do a panel with Denise and then we do a bunch of coke off of T. Jefferson Parker's rock-hard stomach. I guess Sarah Weinman gets that pleasure this year...

Mystery: Cops & Crooks in California
   Moderator   Mr. Robert Crais
   Mr. T. Jefferson Parker
   Mr. Joseph Wambaugh
   Mr. Don Winslow

...or maybe Robert Crais will.

Publishing: The Big Picture
   Moderator   Mr. Kit Rachlis
   Mr. George Gibson
   Mr. David Kipen
   Ms. Bonnie Nadell

The shortest scheduled panel. Kit will ask, "What's the future of publishing?" All three will respond "We're totally fucked," and that will be that.

Poetry: Line Breaks
   Moderator   Ms. Dana Goodyear
   Ms. Jorie Graham
   Mr. Robert Pinsky
   Ms. Cole Swensen
   Ms. Connie Voisine

A great looking panel provided it is not  performed  completely in poet voice

Memoir: The Bigger Picture
   Moderator   Ms. Dinah Lenney
   Ms. Gabrielle Burton
   Ms. Samantha Dunn

   Ms. Lynne Sharon Schwartz

A great panel of memoirists -- Lynne Sharon Schwartz is one of my favorite humans alive and will say something during this panel that will inspire you. I promise. 

Marilyinne Robinson in Conversation
with Susan Straight
   Interviewer   Ms. Susan Straight

   Ms. Marilynne Robinson

Susan in conversation with anyone would be a great event. But with Marilynne Robinson? You'd have to be dead inside not to go.

Fiction: Past & Present
   Moderator   Mr. John Freeman
   Mr. David Benioff
   Ms. Achy Obejas
   Ms. Susan Straight

Susan and David will both be excellent and though I've never heard of Achy Obejas, he (she?) has an awesome name that reminds me of some of my favorite baseball players from the 70s and 80s. Amos Otis, anyone? 

Writing from Different Angles
   Moderator   Mr. Michael Silverblatt
   Mr. Bernard Cooper
   Ms. Katherine Dunn
   Mr. Geoff Dyer

   Mr. Pico Iyer

Using my flux capacitor, I've been supplied with a transcript from this panel. It's from Michael Silverblatt asking Bernard Cooper a question:

Silverblatt: Bernard, while reading your book The Bill From My Father, I was struck by the way in which your father, in the sense that we all have fathers, and by fathers I mean the seed-givers, not only billed you, but billeted you as well, in that we are all billeted by life, in that we all are told where to sleep by our parents, the seed-givers of life such that life is a gift given to us not by parents, but by time, and by time I mean the way hands move across the face of a clock like hands move in front of Madonna when she vogues, but not in the sense that Vogue inspired the Devil Wears Prada. But that bill, Bernard, strikes me as malicious, like a virus, like a trojan horse, or a zebra, but without stripes, and in that way the bill is like an ocelot. Yes?

Cooper: I'm going to let Pico answer that.

Ray Bradbury with an Introduction by M.G. Lord
   Introducer   Ms. M.G. Lord
   Mr. Ray Bradbury

It's Ray Bradbury. He's angry and getting angrier. He is five times the size of MG and there's a good chance they might fight or have torrid sex on stage. So. Yeah. Get to that one.

Fiction: The Writer's Ear
   Moderator   Ms. Louisa Ermelino
   Ms. Sarah Shun-lien Bynum
   Ms. Laila Lalami
   Ms. Julia Leigh

I heartily recommend Laila's new book, The Secret Son, and while I have no idea what this panel will be about, I have to assume that there's a good chance Laila might bite off Julia Leigh's ear and spit it into the crowd.

Growing Up: Young Adult Fiction
   Moderator   Ms. Cecil Castellucci
   Ms. Robin Benway
   Ms. Deb Caletti
   Ms. Lauren Myracle
   Ms. Lisa Yee

Robin and Cecil are bound to turn this conversation into a vile description of drug abuse and sex. We're talking rainbow parties here. 

Memoirs With a Twist
   Moderator   Ms. Erika Schickel
   Mr. Gustavo Arellano
   Mr. Chris Ayres
   Ms. Rachel Resnick
   Ms. Marion Winik

Oh, wait, no, maybe it's this panel that will devolve into wild tales of sex and drugs. I read Rachel's book just to make sure I wasn't in it!

Fiction: The Big Picture
   Moderator   Mr. Nicholas Delbanco
   Mr. Ron Carlson
   Ms. Antonya Nelson
   Ms. Marisa Silver

I fucking love Ron Carlson. I also feel very strongly about Antonya Nelson. Legally, I'm not allowed to go to this panel.

The Future of News
   Moderator   Ms. Karen Grigsby Bates
   Ms. Geneva Overholser
   Mr. Russ Stanton
   Mr. Jacob Weisberg

Another really short panel: "What's the future of print news?" followed by the sound of gunfire.

Clive Barker in Conversation with Gina McIntyre
   Interviewer   Ms. Gina McIntyre
   Mr. Clive Barker

I also received a transcript from this talk:

McIntyre: So, Hellraiser. How much of that was influenced by The Great Gatsby?

Barker: Oh, a great deal. Nick and Pinhead have quite a bit in common...

Dave Cullen in Conversation with David L. Ulin
   Interviewer   Mr. David L. Ulin
   Mr. Dave Cullen

Cullen's book, Columbine, is incredible. I reviewed it this week in Las Vegas CityLife, but I'll save you some reading time by telling you to just go out and buy it now and give yourself a full day to read it, as you won't put it down.

Sunday:

Mystery: Gun in Cheek
   Moderator   Mr. Rob Roberge
   Mr. Thomas Perry
   Mr. Mark Haskell Smith
   Mr. Paul Tremblay

There's a good chance Rob or Mark will say something to offend someone. 

Fiction: Breaking Point
   Moderator   Mr. David L. Ulin
   Mr. John Haskell
   Mr. Hari Kunzru
   Mr. Antoine Wilson
   Mr. John Wray

A real powerhouse line up here. I love me some Antoine Wilson  and Hari Kunzru.

iction: Exiles & Outsiders
   Moderator   Ms. Donna Rifkind
   Ms. Gioconda Belli
   Ms. Aimee Bender
   Ms. Mary Gaitskill
   Ms. Dylan Landis

I'm seriously thinking of skipping my own panel to hear Mary Gaitskill. I have a thing for her. And by "thing" I mean I'd wear a suit made from her hair and skin. I hope that doesn't creep her out.  Aimee, Gioconda and Dylan are great as well, I just wouldn't wear their flesh as an outfit, which I think they appreciate.

Fiction: New West
   Moderator   Ms. Susan Salter Reynolds
   Ms. Nina Revoyr
   Ms. Marisa Silver
   Ms. Marianne Wiggins

By this time,  Marisa may have won the LAT Book Prize, which will make her even cooler than she already is.

S.E. Hinton in Conversation with Jane Smiley
   Moderator   Ms. Jane Smiley
   Ms. S.E. Hinton

Stay gold.

All The Wrong Places
   Moderator   Mr. Thomas Curwen
   Mr. Will Chaffey
   Mr. Cash Peters
   Mr. Evan Wright

I'm a big fan of Evan Wright's Generation Kill and the HBO series it spawned. His new book looks very good, too.

Michael J. Fox in Conversation with Mary McNamara
   Interviewer   Ms. Mary McNamara
   Mr. Michael J. Fox

It's Michael J. Fox, people. The dude was in Back to The Future. Best recognize, yo.

Fiction: Borderlines
   Moderator   Ms. Veronique de Turenne
   Mr. Uwem Akpan
   Ms. Thrity Umrigar
   Mr. Luis Alberto Urrea

Uwem Akpan's Say You're One of Them was one of my favorite books last year. 

Publishing: From Keyboard to Bookstore
   Moderator   Ms. Betsy Amster
   Mr. John Freeman
   Ms. Kerry Slattery
   Mr. Johnny Temple

The number of people in the audience with velobound manuscripts is gonna be huge. The over under on the amount of time it takes for someone to ask if Betsy Amster will read their self-published book about the end of the Mayan Calendar? Five seconds after the Q&A begins. 

Fiction: L.A. Writes the World
   Moderator   Mr. Ben Ehrenreich
   Mr. Chris Abani
   Mr. Steve Erickson
   Ms. Rachel Kushner

A great line up of disparate LA voices. 

The Rest of the West
   Moderator   Mr. Steven J. Ross
   Mr. Mark Arax
   Mr. Scott Martelle
   Mr. Jim Newton
   Ms. Deanne Stillman

Deanne is my friend and at some point she's going to talk about how a particular book or story came to be and it will begin, "I was in a bar in the desert and a woman with teeth only in the back of her mouth turned to me and asked if I'd heard about the series of unsolved murders in the neighborhood..."

Fiction: The Post-Modern World
   Moderator   Mr. Jim Ruland
   Mr. Todd Hasak-Lowy
   Mr. Lee Konstantinou
   Ms. Fiona Maazel
   Mr. Jerry Stahl

Jerry Stahl is always pretty captivating at these things and you couldn't ask for a better moderator than Jim Ruland. 

James Ellroy with an Introduction by Patt Morrison
   Introducer   Ms. Patt Morrison
   Mr. James Ellroy

There's a pretty good chance Ellroy will steal someone's panties and smell them during this talk. 

 

Comments

[Teresa]

We'll be there Sunday. We have tickets to Fiction & Humor. See you there!
Teresa (& Chris)

[Erika Schickel]

Now you've gone and exposed my whole "Memoir with a Twist" panel gambit, Goldtard! Sex and drugs are pretty much all I'm qualified to talk about, and I plan to lean on that angle pretty hard Saturday. Anticipate middle-aged-author on middle-aged-author hotness!

[Lou Hullabaloo]

Tod -

I don't really know you, but I find you and your excessive posts excruciating.