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February 03, 2009

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Comments

jackhenry

i think i peed a little laughing

Kaitlin Hulsy

Um....I didn't have any justifiable reason for wanting to be friends with Rider Strong. I didn't expect you to take me seriously. I'm going to go cry into my Chuck Shaw now.

Robert Birnbaum

Uh, I think someone is publishing a novel based on the end of the Mayan calendar...once again I say, FB offers kool-aid every day, all day — 25 things etc was the latest cup

Godspeed

Eliza

Well I guess I know who I shouldn't friend on facebook now!

Kidding. Who adds people they've never interacted with? Why are people so inappropriate?

Dean

See, if I'd known 15 years ago that Facebook was going to be the result of this here internet-thingie, I'd have voted against it. All the internertz has done is to bring stupid people closer.

And so I don't go on Facebook any more. It is too empty and painful an experience.

Jeremy

Very fucking funny, Todd.

Elodie Pritchartt-Ackerman

Egad. I think I may be guilty of at least one of those things. If so, apologies.

Mike Barer

Well said!

Cousin Mike

Antoine Wilson

Antoine can't wait until Leo starts playing sports.

Ben Rehder

Re: #21, Surely you don't deny the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster...

Citronella

You know you don't have to accept them as friends, right? Of course that wouldn't be nearly as funny for us readers...

Jim Winter

"I hate that you keep inviting me to fucking poetry readings in Indiana."

OK, fess up. Your brother sent me two of these things. You're getting back at Lee for sending them while you were in Vermont.

Right? Right?

I had a similar refriending experience on MySpace with a promoter, who finally asked why I kept deleting her.

"Oh, I dunno, Michelle. It might have something to do with the fact that you ask me to drive 30 fucking miles out of my way to do standup at one of your shows, then I find out you're the only one getting paid. But I could be wrong, Michelle. I might just be a premenopausal male."

Michelle didn't like that explanation.

We're not friends anymore.

Not even in the real world.

Bill Peschel

I hate that I have to log in just to leave a fucking message.

Angela

you make me want to divorce facebook forever. and yeah, i think i'm guilty of sending that lame list to some people, none of them random strangers I want to befriend me.

You've summed up all the shitty things about having a stalker in a mere 25 points. I laughed so much coke came out my nose. And not the white powdery kind.

Alison

Awesome. Sucks to be you on Facebook.

Anea

Nicely done Tod, couldn't agree more! Now, just imagine how your non-"famous" family must feel having all these ass-hats crawling all over us trying to get invites to all of you! :)

Paul Riddell

Things could always be worse. You could have a LiveJournal. (And I can sympathize about the "friends" situation. There's nothing quite like the twit who won't take the hint that s/he's one of the overriding reasons why I quit writing.)

Chad Savage

I posted a link to this page on my Facebook account in lieu of posting 25 Things Nobody But Me Cares About

CarrieJ

OH MAN!! Does Linda talk about me?? I am a little paranoid now that #2 is me ... although I never tried to be your friend. Now I have to go ask her, and won't that be unsettling if she says "Why yes, he is talking about your stalker ass!" So thanks a lot ...

Pamela Detlor

This is SOOOOOOO funny! And not just because I want to do both of your sisters. I actually do know them... but I swear to God I haven't attempted to friend you on FB. Just Dustin and Linda... Dustin so I can stalk him for CSI chicks phone #'s.

So glad I'm not one of the fucktards in this note! Phew.

I Hate Hitler Jokes

I love it that Jim "The World's Least Funny Person" Winter commented on a blog post about how annoying people on the internet are.

That should go in the Irony Hall of Fame.

rachel whetzel

this fucking rocks.
~from one of your sister's stalkers

Graham

I have an idea for a random list of 25 things. How 'bout if I send it to you, you write it, and we split the profits?

Rory L. Aronsky

12. I hate hearing about your fucking boat. Let me be clear here. I love hearing about my friends' boats, because they are my friends and they have very nice boats. But your boat is one of those that you take out on "the river."

The boat is there to accompany their VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.

Kevin

...and to think I, a fan of your bro's, was going to purchase not one, but both Burn Notice novels. You seem like a real jerk, I'll save my $$$

marty

How do you feel about random people who post comments on your blog then?

Tod Goldberg

Ah, Kevin, I am not jerk. Lee is a jerk. I am merely angered by morons. If you happened to do any of the above, it would be a sign that you are a moron. But you don't seem like a moron. You just seem like someone without a sense of humor.

I am all for random people leaving comments on my blog. That's what the blog is there for, after all.

kim

It's a little creepy weird that you mentioned Bloomington, Indiana - and here I sit in Bloomington, Indiana. Is this a hint? You want me to invite you here to read me poetry? I don't even write poetry. I've got some old Dr. Seuss if that will work. But it's still weird that you invited yourself here. I mean. I don't really know you. But if you want to have a go at Green Eggs & Ham, knock yourself out.

Jan Curran

Laugh out loud funny, Tod. Thanks.. and you were so on target. There is that one woman who is all of our friend, every damn member of our family and not one of us has a clue who the hell she is. You nailed her!
I hope the more than 700 who are your friend on facebook are laughing, too.

Corrina Wycoff

Do you really hate my dog?

Jeremy

This is awesome. I love you. Will you be my friend on facebook?

tonya

This is why I don't have a Facebook account. I'm not famous so no one asks me for shit and yet people still annoy the fuck out of me.

Brenna

Wow, that was hilarious! But seriously, dude, just hit "ignore" instead of "accept" and all will be right in your world. Well, the facebook corner of it, anyway.

And to think I was considering looking you up after your previous facebook reference. Glad that whim passed by :)

Jane - The Stalker

http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail~bookid~48409.aspx

I think I'll suggest that Leonard friend you on FB.

Paul Riddell

Kevin, considering the incredible influence potential purchasers think they have in what writers may or may not write about ("if you're mean to me, then I probably won't buy the book that I hadn't bought already"), I'm sure that your threat will cause the stars themselves to shake. Thankfully, most real writers are already familiar with that passive-aggressive behavior, and we aren't worried about it. True, you're not going to buy the book because Mr. Goldberg made you whine like a Nickelback album, but considering that you were either going to steal it, borrow it, or con someone into buying it for you, your potential sale isn't a loss one way or another. Now, if you'd bought 10,000 copies beforehand, and then decided to bring them back to the distributor because this essay offended your delicate little sensibilities, then let's talk.

Jally

Jeez Louise, get a grip. Just because you are totally my F-ingBFF doesn't mean you have to be ugly about MyFace. Or Spacebook. You KNOW you want me to read poetry to you while we watch the kids play with dirty needles they find in the street. You KNOW you want me to beat you, whip you and make you write bad checks. You know you look soooooo cute when you stomp your wittle footie and say "I hate.....

Chis

Don't you just hate it when your reality is colored by other people's illusions?

Sarah Palin

Fucktard is a really good word - it sounds teutonic and angry. Black lace-up Doc Martiny (before people who work at Wild Oats wore them).

iF i eVEr get a u-boat, Fucktard is what I'll name it.

Now when I call someone an Assmonkey and they get offended, I can say "At least I didn't call you a Fucktard!!!"

Jennifer the Chaos Queen

*highfives*

This shit is why I rarely even log on to Facebook.

I do not get the Twitterfication of the world now. Nobody actually says anything interesting in a sentence, nor does anyone need to know every tedious thing you did.

PAUL LEVINE

If it's possible to annoy people, this makes me want to join Facebook. Is that something on that Internet thang?

SweetieZ

If you have a website (and many fans) why do you need a Facebook ?

I never did one, so not sure what the fascination is.

Billy Kess

Hey fucktard...

God bless you, and a much belated Merry Christmas.

Palin was more qualified to be VP than Caroline Kennedy was to be a US Senator, believe me. lol

If these people bother you so much - WHY DID YOU ACCEPT THEM AS FRIENDS????

It's like someone who puts their hand on a burning stove and then says "Dammit! My hand is burned!"

I am still looking for that link between intelligence and atheism - just can't seem to find it!

BillyKess.com

tod goldberg

SweetieZ: I have a facebook because that's how all the cool kids communicate with each other. It's actually pretty convenient in terms of keeping up with people I actually want to keep up with.

BillyKess.com: #1, I love that you sign your name with .com added. It gives you a certain amount of gravitas. And makes me wonder if you sign your checks that way, too. But, to your question: WHY DID YOU ACCEPT THEM AS FRIENDS???? Well, first, I didn't realize they'd be fucktards. And because I didn't realize this 25 random things would sweep the nation like herpes. And because I like people. Well, most people. Well, a few people, anyway. People who don't use all caps and several question marks, however, are always towards the top of my list.

As for Palin, at least Kennedy had the sense to not actually go forward with her pursuit, or perhaps the dems were smart enough to tell her she wasn't qualified. Versus, you know, the clusterfuck of conservative fucktards who glommed onto Palin like she was Jesus in a really bad power suit.

And just to be clear, I'm not an atheist. I just don't believe in the Zombie King, nor that god made the earth in 7 days, nor in organized religion. But I believe in something. It's just not the same something found in that one book.

Billy Kess

LOL - some author... he seems to like censorship as well. My post that was critical of this one seems to be gone. Typical of a pinko commie.

billykess.com

Billy Kess

oops my bad. I admit it when I'm wrong. The post was still here.

OK, so you're not a pinko commie... but you're still a leftwing liberal lol

kittygogogo

Maybe you should defriend people if you don't give a shit about them. And why read their lists if you don't know or care about them? You waste your time reading the lists and then waste MORE time writing about them. Seems like your kind of the idiot and quite the dickhead.

tod goldberg

That I am a dickhead and idiot has never been in question, Kittygogogo.

I don't read their lists. I just get tagged on them. It's right there in the first paragraph. I'd defriend them all, but then what would I write about here on my blog? And then I wouldn't have any facebook friends. And then, well, then what would I do? How could I get your valuable input without talking about this frightening event?

Now, Kitty, quick, let's see your 25 Random Things list. I have a feeling number 22 will be "Don't know the difference between your and you're."

Pamela Detlor

I'll buy two copies of each Burn Notice book -to make up for the loss of Kevin's business. You know - to keep balance in the universe.

Jennifer Long

Have you seen this fucktard? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-devin/in-defense-of-facebooks-h_b_164538.html

When did humor die? What the fuck is wrong with people, Tod? Can you explain to us why these people are so humorless? Can you help them find their soul? Please, Tod, you're our only hope!

Seriously, people like this Devin woman are what's wrong with the world. She takes one of your funniest blog posts and tries to put some societal spin on it. We come here to hear you rant and out fucktards, not to tell us your deep sentimental thoughts about abuse or something. These people need to get a clue.

Jake

Wow u come off as egotisitical why are you on facebook then if you hate it soo much, btw you dont have to add or read everything someone sends to you on there. If you do you have no life

linda woods

What's with everyone looking to be so quickly insulted by something so funny? Is everyone so vain that they think your blog is about them? Or, are they just wounded that they weren't tagged by anyone to do the list? I don't understand people coming to your blog, dissecting your jokes and taking them out of context then calling YOU the idiot.
It looks like your job is getting easier- fucktards are outing themselves.

Gregg Porter

Todd, Jane Devin didn't seem so morally opposed to your post when she left the comment up above as Jane the Stalker. So she enjoys your post and then runs off and pretends it's terrible? Pretty cunty.

This Jake person can't be for real. Or Kittygogogogogogogog. People that stupid and with such little ability to express themselves in their native language shouldn't be offended by anything.

Marie

Tod, I like your books, but right now, I have to quote your wife: you're an idiot. Not only because you think that a book on the Mayan calendar is inherently bad (I would personally love to read a good book on the subject. It's called being open to learning something new). Not only because you spurn an insight into the life of hundreds of people that could come in handy if you want to write a character that is a fundie, that is a soccer mom, a failed writer or what not (and if that's not the way you work, you don't have to friend all these people and you don't have to read all their updates). Not only because you're really easily freaked out (a comment on Facebook, akin to stalking? really? Ever seen Play Misty For Me? I guess not). Not only because you seem to think that published authors are inherently better than non-published authors (you should go to a bookstore and browse a few random books. Or read Twilight. Then you would realise that it's just as hard to find good writing among professionally published book as among self-published books or even among fan-fiction). It's not even that you seem to hold grudges for a really, really long time.
It's all of the above and the fact that you go out and teach people. They must be really happy to have paid all that money to hear that it's wrong to write about the Mayan calendar.

Jane

Dear Gregg, I'm pretty sure cunty isn't a word. It must be part of your native language, where "morally opposed" equals anyone who mentions another writer's viewpoints as opposed to say, their own, or the NYT's, or Time Magazine's. I've enjoyed Tod's blog for a couple of years now, including his outings of fucktards from book signings and Parade magazine. I even enjoyed this post, much the same way I enjoy reading a really good snarky letter once in awhile, even if it's not a letter I would have written. There were a lot of people writing anti-25 Things posts - I chose the three that made their points most strongly. I might be wrong, but I don't think Tod has an issue being mentioned in the same company of writers from the NY Times or Time magazine.

I also made it clear, in English as far as I know, that mine was the minority opinion and that Tod, as a public figure, probably doesn't use FB the same way actual, real-life friends do. (For the record, I've never friended the whole Goldberg clan, even though I very much enjoy Tod, Linda, and Karen. In my view, that takes me out of fucktard running, at least for this event).

Heather G. from UCLA 2003

If Marie is actually a fan of yours (and I find that hard to believe, since she comes off as a complete humorless pratt, and don't you have to have a sense of humor to be a fan of yours? Not that Living Dead Girl is a bowl of laughs, mind you) then she herself has proven #16 on your list correct. And as a former student of yours, I'll raise my hand and proudly announce that you are without question the finest teacher I have ever had.

Emil

To shit scared to leave a meaningful comment.

Bethany

Wow seriously who are your friends? i have so de-friended anyone who does any of those things. ok so that means i don't have the most "friends" on facebook but at least the people i know are people i actually like and i find interesting. I mean seriously where did you find some of these people...the mind boggles.

I.J.Parker

So, what are you doing on Facebook?

Sam

Thanx for these true words.
And I swear you: I get never in contact with you again.
Sam from Germany

NewPages

We laughed our lungs up over the iUniverse line. Wet ourselves long before that and just kept reading. Thank you.

Your Best Friend

You don't have to accept people's friend requests, you do know that don't you? I can't believe people actually take a site like facebook seriously enough to be making a list this full of anger against it. Why are you on it? LOL It's all silly crap anyway, I knew that going in.

Sal

sounds like this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVA047JAQsk

Stephanie

Rad blog, Tod, made my fucking Venereal Disease Day (valentine's day)a little more tolerable.

-Not a fucktard fan-

Dan

Issues?

fbhater

I hate facebook you fucktard...

squirrelfriend

This is why I refuse all networking sites. I barely want to know the details of my own life so why do I want the details of random nobodies? Seriously people get off the computer/cellphone/whatever-electronic-device-you-are-using-to-announce-your-complete-lack-of-a-life and go out and get one. For reals! Oh, and I refuse to facebook with family members. If I want to stay in contact I will call or visit. If I don't that means I probably am not interested in even the major highlights of your life let alone the dismally boring minutae you are trying to foist on me. Go away and I will see you at Granny's funeral or something.

John

Can i add as a friend. :D

kris

Lmao!! thats fuckin great!

Erika

Great article, Tod! ROFLMAO reading it for the tenth time. GTH Facebook, you utter, colossal waste of time!

mark

That's some funny shit, but begs the question, why are you on Facebook at all? I know if I was on Facebook, I'd have the same seething hatred for all the same things you do, so it looks like we have something in common. Do you want to be a member of my "friends" circle on Google+? I know we'd get along swimmingly...

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