25 Random Things I Hate About Fucktards On Facebook I Don't Know In The Least But Who, Nonetheless, Are My "Friends"

I swear to fucking Christ, if one more person tags me with their "25 Random Things About Me" list on Facebook, I am going to curse each and every one of you people with a kidney stone. A big one. The kind that can't get blasted. The kind that tears through your kidney and then plops out of your smallest of holes.

However.

I do love a list.

So, in the spirit of sharing, here are 25 Random Things I Hate About Fucktards On Facebook I Don't Know In The Least But Who, Nonetheless, Are My "Friends":

1. I hate your fucking kids. Really. And I hate that I know the score of their every fucking game. It's Little League, you annoying fucks, not the fucking World Series. You think anyone was rooting for me that didn't know me when I was on the 0-10 Cougars in the Walnut Creek AYSO in 1980? I needed some fucking support. Your children just need their parents to stop updating their fucking statuses with box scores and maybe, you know, read 'em a fucking book. 

2. I hate that I don't know you, have never met you, and that you leave comments on my facebook that indicates some close, personal relationship to me. In pleasant society, this is called stalking. 

3. I hate that you keep inviting me to fucking poetry readings in Indiana. I live in California. I am not coming to your poetry reading in Bloomington. It should be noted, just to be fair here, that I wouldn't come if it was in California, either. Why? Because I don't know you. 

4. I hate that I know you just got home from work and are having a Lean Cuisine and watching your VHS collection of Benson reruns. 

5. I hate that you poke me. Don't fucking poke me. I don't like it when my wife Wendy pokes me. Why? Because it's annoying. Small, lost children and homeless people poke you. Do you want to know why? Because they don't know you and they want something. What do you want? Huh? What the fuck do you want?

6. I hate that you sent me an email telling me that you'd like to be Facebook friends because you wrote a book on fucking dog psychology that iUniverse is bringing out next month!!! Yipee! When you get a dog to actually talk to you, let me know. We'll be friends.

7. I hate that you keep asking me to become a Fan Of Your Dumb Fucking Idea. Now, this dumb fucking idea is usually something along the lines of Fans Of Corey Haim Before He Got Fat, or Fans Of Afrin or Fans Of Toe Jam! I find that you are a fan of these things very troubling and they patently don't make me want to know you. They make me sort of want to get a restraining order on you. And trust me. When I tell you I'm getting a restraining order, I mean it.

8. I hate that you have been stalking my sisters Linda and Karen and now suddenly figure out that even though they won't speak to you, it might be neat to become friends with me, and my brother, and my mother, and my cousin Mike, and my cousin Danny, and my uncle Burl, and my wife Wendy. And none of us know who the fuck you are. And so we email each other and say, "Who the fuck is Irene?" And we all agree that we don't know. And then we agree, after reading your profile, that you need mental help and need to scrapbook a whole lot fucking less than you do.

9. I hate that, 30 years ago, you went to the same school as me and therefore believe that through some psychic connection we should suddenly become BFF. And I hate that in the weird emails you send me, you say things like [and this is a direct quote]: "I went to Palm Springs High School in 1973. Do you still live in the area? It would be great to get a cup of coffee and chat, as I am also a writer. We don't have to be BFF, but it sure would be nice to have a common thread." And when I don't respond, I hate that you don't take that as a hint.

10. I hate that when I silently de-friend you, you re-friend me. And then you send me an email that says, "Something crazy happened to my facebook and I lost you as a friend!"

11. I hate that I hated you in high school/college, but didn't really know you, and have only friended you to see if you look really fucked up now, but you don't. You look normal. You have too many fucking kids who play too many sports, but you otherwise look pretty well adjusted. I hate that.

12. I hate hearing about your fucking boat. Let me be clear here. I love hearing about my friends' boats, because they are my friends and they have very nice boats. But your boat is one of those that you take out on "the river." I have no idea where this river is, but my sense is that it's just as shitty as every other river and that invariably you spend your weekend drinking canned beer on the boat and beating your far-too-athletic-kids, whereas my friends just go out on their boats, listen to Jimmy Buffet and watch their children silently reading Kafka.

13. I hate your e-published romance novel.

14. I hate that you keep updating your status with what your fictional character is up to. I don't give a fuck what you're up to. I will never read your book, but if I did, imagine how disappointed I'd be to find out I already knew every fucking thing your fictional character was doing!

15. I hate that even though I don't know you in the least, you send me emails asking me why my other more famous friends won't friend you. And when I tell you that they won't be friends with you because they do not know who the fuck you are, you always write back and say, "Could you make the introduction?" No, no I can't. Do you know why? Because I don't know you, but I just read your profile and you like bad movies, bad books and bad television shows and write in a weird combination of uPPer CaSe and LowEr caseE letters. Which makes me want to eat my skin or send you the ransom money. 

16. I hate that sometimes I read your updates and think, Man, if this person is a fan of mine, I need to stop writing books. Because apparently only complete fucktards read my books.

17. I hate that you send me totally unfunny videos along with a note that says, "I know you'll love this! It's your sense of humor!"

18. I hate your dramatic over use of exclamation points and ccapitalization and your odd plurals and troubling misunderstanding of what the word "novel" means. For instance: My BRAND NEW fiction novel, In The Arms Of A Dark Stranger is out NOW!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!! This is my first fiction novel with my new publisher, LULU, and you can buy the book at BARNES AND NOBLES [GAD!!!] and Amazon.com [I'm number 899,000!!!!!] and BORDERS!!!!!! I love my writing group!

19. I hate that you sent me a long, rambling message about how I shouldn't make fun of Sarah Palin because she's a great mother and if I make fun of Sarah Palin, I'm making fun of great mothers everywhere. And why would I make fun of Sarah Palin when she's just like one of us. And I hate that when I responded, "She's not just like one of us. I am much smarter than Sarah Palin, and I'm still not smart enough to be Vice President," you wrote back, "America needs a strong mother figure to get us through this financial crisis. She knows how to manage her house!"   

20. I hate that on my birthday, you sent me a message that said, "Happy Birthday, fucktard! LoL!"

21. I hate your religion. There is no god. If there was a god, he wouldn't want you sending a heathen like me your fucking prayer messages. I'm not opposed to praying. I pray all the time. I prayed today that my fries would be well salted and hot when I got home. Fucked the pooch on that one. I prayed that Wendy wouldn't notice that I once again took the car with gas in it and left her the one with the blinking yellow image of a gas tank. Poor pooch got it again. So, yeah, pray all you want. But if you expect me to get down on bended knee for your "no gay marriage" prayer circle, I truly do hate you. Like for reals, yo.

22. I hate that you keep sending me your fucking resume. I also hate that you have a great idea for a book/movie/play/pop-up book/Choose Your Own Adventure that you want me to write and we'll share the profits.

23. I hate that you keep asking me to read your fiction because you really think social networking is a great way to get new eyes on your unpublished novel about the end of the Mayan calendar.

24. I hate you, you dumb motherfucker, who sent my agent a book and said that you were my friend and when she asked me, "Is this person your friend?" I said, "Uh, not that I know of." And then I got a wild idea and looked on facebook and there you were.

25. I hate your spouse. I hate your mom. I hate your dogs. I hate your cats. I hate your car. I hate your house. I hate your job. I hate your dreadful dating life. I hate that I see your picture and I wonder if you've been terribly burned. I hate that I know your spouse's name, that your mom is having a problem with her diabetes, that your dogs are SO CUUUUUUTE!!!!, that your cat is the most sentient being alive and you should be in those books helping to solve crimes, loL!, that your car got a scratch on it at the Piggly-Wiggly!, that you're cleaning out the gutters when you'd really rather be watching LOST, that your boss really saddled you with a shit load of reports on a Friday when you'd really love to be at home with your boyfriend Charles Shaw and that your last date was like an episode of Sex & The City! Cuh-razy! 

  

Comments

[jackhenry]

i think i peed a little laughing

[Kaitlin Hulsy]

Um....I didn't have any justifiable reason for wanting to be friends with Rider Strong. I didn't expect you to take me seriously. I'm going to go cry into my Chuck Shaw now.

[Robert Birnbaum]

Uh, I think someone is publishing a novel based on the end of the Mayan calendar...once again I say, FB offers kool-aid every day, all day — 25 things etc was the latest cup

Godspeed

[Eliza]

Well I guess I know who I shouldn't friend on facebook now!

Kidding. Who adds people they've never interacted with? Why are people so inappropriate?

[Dean]

See, if I'd known 15 years ago that Facebook was going to be the result of this here internet-thingie, I'd have voted against it. All the internertz has done is to bring stupid people closer.

And so I don't go on Facebook any more. It is too empty and painful an experience.

[Jeremy]

Very fucking funny, Todd.

[Elodie Pritchartt-Ackerman]

Egad. I think I may be guilty of at least one of those things. If so, apologies.

[Mike Barer]

Well said!

Cousin Mike

[Antoine Wilson]

Antoine can't wait until Leo starts playing sports.

[Ben Rehder]

Re: #21, Surely you don't deny the existence of the Flying Spaghetti Monster...

[Citronella]

You know you don't have to accept them as friends, right? Of course that wouldn't be nearly as funny for us readers...

[Jim Winter]

"I hate that you keep inviting me to fucking poetry readings in Indiana."

OK, fess up. Your brother sent me two of these things. You're getting back at Lee for sending them while you were in Vermont.

Right? Right?

I had a similar refriending experience on MySpace with a promoter, who finally asked why I kept deleting her.

"Oh, I dunno, Michelle. It might have something to do with the fact that you ask me to drive 30 fucking miles out of my way to do standup at one of your shows, then I find out you're the only one getting paid. But I could be wrong, Michelle. I might just be a premenopausal male."

Michelle didn't like that explanation.

We're not friends anymore.

Not even in the real world.

[Bill Peschel]

I hate that I have to log in just to leave a fucking message.

[Angela]

you make me want to divorce facebook forever. and yeah, i think i'm guilty of sending that lame list to some people, none of them random strangers I want to befriend me.

You've summed up all the shitty things about having a stalker in a mere 25 points. I laughed so much coke came out my nose. And not the white powdery kind.

[Alison]

Awesome. Sucks to be you on Facebook.

[Anea]

Nicely done Tod, couldn't agree more! Now, just imagine how your non-"famous" family must feel having all these ass-hats crawling all over us trying to get invites to all of you! :)

[Paul Riddell]

Things could always be worse. You could have a LiveJournal. (And I can sympathize about the "friends" situation. There's nothing quite like the twit who won't take the hint that s/he's one of the overriding reasons why I quit writing.)

[Chad Savage]

I posted a link to this page on my Facebook account in lieu of posting 25 Things Nobody But Me Cares About

[CarrieJ]

OH MAN!! Does Linda talk about me?? I am a little paranoid now that #2 is me ... although I never tried to be your friend. Now I have to go ask her, and won't that be unsettling if she says "Why yes, he is talking about your stalker ass!" So thanks a lot ...

[Pamela Detlor]

This is SOOOOOOO funny! And not just because I want to do both of your sisters. I actually do know them... but I swear to God I haven't attempted to friend you on FB. Just Dustin and Linda... Dustin so I can stalk him for CSI chicks phone #'s.

So glad I'm not one of the fucktards in this note! Phew.

[I Hate Hitler Jokes]

I love it that Jim "The World's Least Funny Person" Winter commented on a blog post about how annoying people on the internet are.

That should go in the Irony Hall of Fame.

[rachel whetzel]

this fucking rocks.
~from one of your sister's stalkers

[Graham]

I have an idea for a random list of 25 things. How 'bout if I send it to you, you write it, and we split the profits?

[Rory L. Aronsky]

12. I hate hearing about your fucking boat. Let me be clear here. I love hearing about my friends' boats, because they are my friends and they have very nice boats. But your boat is one of those that you take out on "the river."

The boat is there to accompany their VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER.

[Kevin]

...and to think I, a fan of your bro's, was going to purchase not one, but both Burn Notice novels. You seem like a real jerk, I'll save my $$$

[marty]

How do you feel about random people who post comments on your blog then?

[Tod Goldberg]

Ah, Kevin, I am not jerk. Lee is a jerk. I am merely angered by morons. If you happened to do any of the above, it would be a sign that you are a moron. But you don't seem like a moron. You just seem like someone without a sense of humor.

I am all for random people leaving comments on my blog. That's what the blog is there for, after all.

[kim]

It's a little creepy weird that you mentioned Bloomington, Indiana - and here I sit in Bloomington, Indiana. Is this a hint? You want me to invite you here to read me poetry? I don't even write poetry. I've got some old Dr. Seuss if that will work. But it's still weird that you invited yourself here. I mean. I don't really know you. But if you want to have a go at Green Eggs & Ham, knock yourself out.

[Jan Curran]

Laugh out loud funny, Tod. Thanks.. and you were so on target. There is that one woman who is all of our friend, every damn member of our family and not one of us has a clue who the hell she is. You nailed her!
I hope the more than 700 who are your friend on facebook are laughing, too.

[Corrina Wycoff]

Do you really hate my dog?

[Jeremy]

This is awesome. I love you. Will you be my friend on facebook?

[tonya]

This is why I don't have a Facebook account. I'm not famous so no one asks me for shit and yet people still annoy the fuck out of me.

[Brenna]

Wow, that was hilarious! But seriously, dude, just hit "ignore" instead of "accept" and all will be right in your world. Well, the facebook corner of it, anyway.

And to think I was considering looking you up after your previous facebook reference. Glad that whim passed by :)

[Jane - The Stalker]

http://www.authorhouse.com/BookStore/ItemDetail~bookid~48409.aspx

I think I'll suggest that Leonard friend you on FB.

[Paul Riddell]

Kevin, considering the incredible influence potential purchasers think they have in what writers may or may not write about ("if you're mean to me, then I probably won't buy the book that I hadn't bought already"), I'm sure that your threat will cause the stars themselves to shake. Thankfully, most real writers are already familiar with that passive-aggressive behavior, and we aren't worried about it. True, you're not going to buy the book because Mr. Goldberg made you whine like a Nickelback album, but considering that you were either going to steal it, borrow it, or con someone into buying it for you, your potential sale isn't a loss one way or another. Now, if you'd bought 10,000 copies beforehand, and then decided to bring them back to the distributor because this essay offended your delicate little sensibilities, then let's talk.

[Jally]

Jeez Louise, get a grip. Just because you are totally my F-ingBFF doesn't mean you have to be ugly about MyFace. Or Spacebook. You KNOW you want me to read poetry to you while we watch the kids play with dirty needles they find in the street. You KNOW you want me to beat you, whip you and make you write bad checks. You know you look soooooo cute when you stomp your wittle footie and say "I hate.....

[Chis]

Don't you just hate it when your reality is colored by other people's illusions?

[Sarah Palin]

Fucktard is a really good word - it sounds teutonic and angry. Black lace-up Doc Martiny (before people who work at Wild Oats wore them).

iF i eVEr get a u-boat, Fucktard is what I'll name it.

Now when I call someone an Assmonkey and they get offended, I can say "At least I didn't call you a Fucktard!!!"

[Jennifer the Chaos Queen]

*highfives*

This shit is why I rarely even log on to Facebook.

I do not get the Twitterfication of the world now. Nobody actually says anything interesting in a sentence, nor does anyone need to know every tedious thing you did.

[PAUL LEVINE]

If it's possible to annoy people, this makes me want to join Facebook. Is that something on that Internet thang?

[SweetieZ]

If you have a website (and many fans) why do you need a Facebook ?

I never did one, so not sure what the fascination is.

[Billy Kess]

Hey fucktard...

God bless you, and a much belated Merry Christmas.

Palin was more qualified to be VP than Caroline Kennedy was to be a US Senator, believe me. lol

If these people bother you so much - WHY DID YOU ACCEPT THEM AS FRIENDS????

It's like someone who puts their hand on a burning stove and then says "Dammit! My hand is burned!"

I am still looking for that link between intelligence and atheism - just can't seem to find it!

BillyKess.com

[tod goldberg]

SweetieZ: I have a facebook because that's how all the cool kids communicate with each other. It's actually pretty convenient in terms of keeping up with people I actually want to keep up with.

BillyKess.com: #1, I love that you sign your name with .com added. It gives you a certain amount of gravitas. And makes me wonder if you sign your checks that way, too. But, to your question: WHY DID YOU ACCEPT THEM AS FRIENDS???? Well, first, I didn't realize they'd be fucktards. And because I didn't realize this 25 random things would sweep the nation like herpes. And because I like people. Well, most people. Well, a few people, anyway. People who don't use all caps and several question marks, however, are always towards the top of my list.

As for Palin, at least Kennedy had the sense to not actually go forward with her pursuit, or perhaps the dems were smart enough to tell her she wasn't qualified. Versus, you know, the clusterfuck of conservative fucktards who glommed onto Palin like she was Jesus in a really bad power suit.

And just to be clear, I'm not an atheist. I just don't believe in the Zombie King, nor that god made the earth in 7 days, nor in organized religion. But I believe in something. It's just not the same something found in that one book.

[Billy Kess]

LOL - some author... he seems to like censorship as well. My post that was critical of this one seems to be gone. Typical of a pinko commie.

billykess.com

[Billy Kess]

oops my bad. I admit it when I'm wrong. The post was still here.

OK, so you're not a pinko commie... but you're still a leftwing liberal lol

[kittygogogo]

Maybe you should defriend people if you don't give a shit about them. And why read their lists if you don't know or care about them? You waste your time reading the lists and then waste MORE time writing about them. Seems like your kind of the idiot and quite the dickhead.

[tod goldberg]

That I am a dickhead and idiot has never been in question, Kittygogogo.

I don't read their lists. I just get tagged on them. It's right there in the first paragraph. I'd defriend them all, but then what would I write about here on my blog? And then I wouldn't have any facebook friends. And then, well, then what would I do? How could I get your valuable input without talking about this frightening event?

Now, Kitty, quick, let's see your 25 Random Things list. I have a feeling number 22 will be "Don't know the difference between your and you're."

[Pamela Detlor]

I'll buy two copies of each Burn Notice book -to make up for the loss of Kevin's business. You know - to keep balance in the universe.

[Jennifer Long]

Have you seen this fucktard? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jane-devin/in-defense-of-facebooks-h_b_164538.html

When did humor die? What the fuck is wrong with people, Tod? Can you explain to us why these people are so humorless? Can you help them find their soul? Please, Tod, you're our only hope!

Seriously, people like this Devin woman are what's wrong with the world. She takes one of your funniest blog posts and tries to put some societal spin on it. We come here to hear you rant and out fucktards, not to tell us your deep sentimental thoughts about abuse or something. These people need to get a clue.

[Jake]

Wow u come off as egotisitical why are you on facebook then if you hate it soo much, btw you dont have to add or read everything someone sends to you on there. If you do you have no life

[linda woods]

What's with everyone looking to be so quickly insulted by something so funny? Is everyone so vain that they think your blog is about them? Or, are they just wounded that they weren't tagged by anyone to do the list? I don't understand people coming to your blog, dissecting your jokes and taking them out of context then calling YOU the idiot.
It looks like your job is getting easier- fucktards are outing themselves.

[Gregg Porter]

Todd, Jane Devin didn't seem so morally opposed to your post when she left the comment up above as Jane the Stalker. So she enjoys your post and then runs off and pretends it's terrible? Pretty cunty.

This Jake person can't be for real. Or Kittygogogogogogogog. People that stupid and with such little ability to express themselves in their native language shouldn't be offended by anything.

[Marie]

Tod, I like your books, but right now, I have to quote your wife: you're an idiot. Not only because you think that a book on the Mayan calendar is inherently bad (I would personally love to read a good book on the subject. It's called being open to learning something new). Not only because you spurn an insight into the life of hundreds of people that could come in handy if you want to write a character that is a fundie, that is a soccer mom, a failed writer or what not (and if that's not the way you work, you don't have to friend all these people and you don't have to read all their updates). Not only because you're really easily freaked out (a comment on Facebook, akin to stalking? really? Ever seen Play Misty For Me? I guess not). Not only because you seem to think that published authors are inherently better than non-published authors (you should go to a bookstore and browse a few random books. Or read Twilight. Then you would realise that it's just as hard to find good writing among professionally published book as among self-published books or even among fan-fiction). It's not even that you seem to hold grudges for a really, really long time.
It's all of the above and the fact that you go out and teach people. They must be really happy to have paid all that money to hear that it's wrong to write about the Mayan calendar.

[Jane]

Dear Gregg, I'm pretty sure cunty isn't a word. It must be part of your native language, where "morally opposed" equals anyone who mentions another writer's viewpoints as opposed to say, their own, or the NYT's, or Time Magazine's. I've enjoyed Tod's blog for a couple of years now, including his outings of fucktards from book signings and Parade magazine. I even enjoyed this post, much the same way I enjoy reading a really good snarky letter once in awhile, even if it's not a letter I would have written. There were a lot of people writing anti-25 Things posts - I chose the three that made their points most strongly. I might be wrong, but I don't think Tod has an issue being mentioned in the same company of writers from the NY Times or Time magazine.

I also made it clear, in English as far as I know, that mine was the minority opinion and that Tod, as a public figure, probably doesn't use FB the same way actual, real-life friends do. (For the record, I've never friended the whole Goldberg clan, even though I very much enjoy Tod, Linda, and Karen. In my view, that takes me out of fucktard running, at least for this event).

[Heather G. from UCLA 2003]

If Marie is actually a fan of yours (and I find that hard to believe, since she comes off as a complete humorless pratt, and don't you have to have a sense of humor to be a fan of yours? Not that Living Dead Girl is a bowl of laughs, mind you) then she herself has proven #16 on your list correct. And as a former student of yours, I'll raise my hand and proudly announce that you are without question the finest teacher I have ever had.

[Emil]

To shit scared to leave a meaningful comment.

[Bethany]

Wow seriously who are your friends? i have so de-friended anyone who does any of those things. ok so that means i don't have the most "friends" on facebook but at least the people i know are people i actually like and i find interesting. I mean seriously where did you find some of these people...the mind boggles.

[I.J.Parker]

So, what are you doing on Facebook?

[Sam]

Thanx for these true words.
And I swear you: I get never in contact with you again.
Sam from Germany

[NewPages]

We laughed our lungs up over the iUniverse line. Wet ourselves long before that and just kept reading. Thank you.

[Your Best Friend]

You don't have to accept people's friend requests, you do know that don't you? I can't believe people actually take a site like facebook seriously enough to be making a list this full of anger against it. Why are you on it? LOL It's all silly crap anyway, I knew that going in.

[Sal]

sounds like this guy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVA047JAQsk

[Stephanie]

Rad blog, Tod, made my fucking Venereal Disease Day (valentine's day)a little more tolerable.

-Not a fucktard fan-

[Dan]

Issues?

[fbhater]

I hate facebook you fucktard...

[squirrelfriend]

This is why I refuse all networking sites. I barely want to know the details of my own life so why do I want the details of random nobodies? Seriously people get off the computer/cellphone/whatever-electronic-device-you-are-using-to-announce-your-complete-lack-of-a-life and go out and get one. For reals! Oh, and I refuse to facebook with family members. If I want to stay in contact I will call or visit. If I don't that means I probably am not interested in even the major highlights of your life let alone the dismally boring minutae you are trying to foist on me. Go away and I will see you at Granny's funeral or something.

[John]

Can i add as a friend. :D

[kris]

Lmao!! thats fuckin great!

[Erika]

Great article, Tod! ROFLMAO reading it for the tenth time. GTH Facebook, you utter, colossal waste of time!

[mark]

That's some funny shit, but begs the question, why are you on Facebook at all? I know if I was on Facebook, I'd have the same seething hatred for all the same things you do, so it looks like we have something in common. Do you want to be a member of my "friends" circle on Google+? I know we'd get along swimmingly...