This Is What We Talk About When We Talk About What We Forgot To Talk About

2008 was a busy year. I finished three books -- two Burn Notice novels and one collection of stories -- plus I wrote another five stories or so, reviewed somewhere in the 'hood of 35 books and wrote 10 essays for different publications. In short, it was a lousy year for blogging, since I've found that blogging when you have deadline after deadline after deadline isn't always enjoyable since, you know, it's just more writing. Now don't get me wrong: I love to write. It's the best non-job a boy can have, but eventually one has to re-charge by, you know, stepping the fuck away from the computer for an hour or two. Of course, that hasn't quelled my facebook addiction. Or my fantasy football affliction. But you get the idea. So I had to make some changes in 2008 and that meant that I stopped writing about Parade every Sunday, because it got to be a job telling you all how god fucking dreadful that magazine is and how big of a fucktard Walter Scott is and how big of a fucktard all the people who write him each Sunday are. And when something is a job, well, it sucks. So I'll probably do some more bashing of Parade fucktards in 2009 because now I really want to, am driven mad, still, by their fucktardery and I don't intend to write three books this year. One? Sure. Absolutely. But writing 300K words in one year fucking sucks. And it's bad on the back.  

Because of all of the above, I've failed to report on some very important things, not the least of which involve me, because, you know, my name is on the top of the page. So, here's some stuff I've been forgetting to say:

1. The lovely humans at the Hipster Book Club asked me to make a top 5 list of my favorite things from 2008.I chose Starbucks treats.

The trans-fat filled blueberry muffin
At some point this year, Starbucks got rid of all their trans-fats, which is, you know, probably a really good thing. But with it, they took a blueberry muffin that tasted like it was first bathed in pure animal lard, which, in terms of overall muffin-y taste, was a good thing. The new muffin isn't bad; it just doesn't taste like it's killing you one bite at a time.

Also included in their rundown of all things 2008 are my pals Deanne Stillman, Rider Strong, Mark Haskell Smith and Aimee Bender. They likewise did not talk about things of much literary merit. Well, Aimee did, but she's smarter than the rest of us.

2. The equally lovely human DeAnna Cameron recently interviewed me about the business of books. She probably regrets that now.

What was the best thing you did before publication to prepare?
I ran five miles a day, ate nothing but egg whites and killed a moose with my bare hands and then lived inside of said moose like I was Luke Skywalker in that great scene from The Empire Strikesback where Luke kills his Tauntaun and then sleeps inside of it.

3. For the Tod Goldberg completest out there, you might be interested in the latest issue of Narrow Books' very cool literary journal Two Letters, which features my story "The Salt."  The story involves the character Sheriff Drew from my novel Living Dead Girl and is one of two stories about Sheriff Drew that will be in my new collection of stories Other Resort Cities, which comes out this fall.

4. Do I need to watch all the Tivo'd episodes of Dexter I have? I stopped watching it this season after episode 3 or 4 because Jimmy Smits was annoying me and I didn't like the internal affairs angle with the sister and the new guy. Does it get better or can I just watch the 40 episodes of What Not To Wear I have stored up?

5. I'm going to Vermont on Wednesday. It is -4 degrees there. Someone please explain to me how this is possible, this total absence of heat. It's bullshit. Please get that shit fixed before my arrival. Thanks.

 

Comments

[Paul]

I thought this season of Dexter was weak, especially compared to the first two, but I still enjoyed it by the time it was over. I think it got better a couple episodes further in, but I might just be romanticizing it in hindsight. Hopefully since they have been picked up 2 more season, they'll do some more inventive, longer, storylines. But they might just continue to water it down too.

[Graham]

Actually it was Han who killed the tauntaun. Loser.

[Erin]

Knock that What Not to Wear queue in half:
-- Subject is a Ph.D. student with long 70's polyester skirts and comfortable ugly shoes.
-- One second flash of Stacy truly wanting to cut a bitch.
-- Clinton says something about boobs that just seems...off.
-- Nick cuts some variation on a shag, gets his hug.
-- Carmindy has Joan-Collins-on-Dynasty camera filter for gloss application sequence.
-- Goateed boyfriend wipes away tears at hometown party, awkward swan twirls behind credits.

[Stephanie]

I read your top 5 on HBC, and as another one of the swarm who knows the name of every employee at the local Starbucks, I offer my sympathies that your wife cut you off. There is always cash, secreted away. And, knowing that, I highly suggest you try their new sweet bread. Yum.

[philippa connors]

I too lament the loss of animal lard in baked goods, Tod (in spite of the fact that I'm a pescetarian, yes). Indeed things haven't been the same since the arrival of the anti-trans fat enforcement crowd. [plaintive sigh] On the other hand, I look forward to the return of the "Parade" of fucktardery and laud the arrival of Two Letters. (where else can you find great writers sandwiched in between lovely artwork, I ask?)

I shared the Deanna Cameron interview with the BN community, I hope that's okay, Tod. It was too delightful and I couldn't help but share it with others. Stay bundled up and warm on your trek through the arctic tundra of Vermont, okay?

[Philippa Connors]

Oooookay, color me fucktard, I suppose - I thought I commented on this but alas, apparently not? Hmmm. Well, as I was saying, I too lament the loss of animal lard in baked goods, Tod (in spite of the fact that I'm a pescetarian, yes). Indeed things haven't been the same since the arrival of the anti-trans fat enforcement crowd. [plaintive sigh] On the other hand, I look forward to the return of the "Parade" of fucktardery and laud the arrival of Two Letters. (where else can you find great writers sandwiched in between lovely artwork, I ask?)

I shared the Deanna Cameron interview with the BN community, I hope that's okay, Tod. It was too delightful and I couldn't help but share it with others. Stay bundled up and warm on your trek through the arctic tundra of Vermont, okay?

[Philippa Connors]

And see? There indeed is my comment twice, in all its fucktardery glory. [laughs] There you have it. Oh, Tod - I'd wanted to ask you if you had any thoughts about the holocaust hoax memoir? Like the inane/insane James Frey "I read War and Peace to an illiterate guy nicknamed Porterhouse" story, I thought to myself, how is it that this story (of the little boy in the concentration camp receiving apples and bread thrown over the fence by the little Polish girl, then meeting her in 1957 on a blind date in Coney Island) seems viable to people (Oprah specifically)? I don't get it. When has the holocaust ever been known for producing "heart-rending stories"?! [baffled look]

[DeAnna]

I don't regret it all, Tod. I love the comedy relief. My favorite, though, is still you explaining (and acting out) the difference between writing your literary novel and writing the Burn Notice novel at the OCC/RWA meeting a few months back. I tried to repeat your performance for my husband (a huge Burn Notice fan) and for some reason it just wasn't as funny... :-)

[Philippa Connors]

I meant heart *warming*, not heart-rending (which is of course what ALL holocaust memoirs are). I just don't get it, because this guy had quite a remarkable story without needing to fabricate anything. It's baffling to me.

Anyway, I just had to correct myself from earlier...hope you're staying bundled up in Vermont tonight!

[Daniel]

Maybe I'm the odd man out but I really enjoyed this season of Dexter.

I realize it continues the thread of dangerous characters without a code (evil brother in season 1, batshit crazy stalker lady with non-sexy british accent in season 2), but it was also the arc that was most open to unpredictability.

You knew Dex wasn't going to run off and play serial killer with his brother in season 1 and you knew he wasn't going to get arrested in season 2. This time, starting with the end of episode 2, you didn't really know what the fuck was going to happen.

Jimmy Smits gets better.

Oh, shit. Spoiler warning.