Tod Goldberg

A Month of Lists: My Favorite Books, Books I Didn't Read And Said I Did & Other Lies

I read a lot of books. Part of this is because I review a lot of books for different places, part of this is because I am in an MFA program at Bennington, part of this is because I direct an MFA program at UCR-Palm Desert and read most of the books  my students pick to read, and part of this is because, you know, I like to read. I end up reading a lot of shitty books along the way and sometimes, as part of my job, I tell people about the shitty books in print, because I don't know a book is going to be bad until I read it and then I still have to review it (a point that is suprisingly unknown occassionally, particularly by writers who then send me emails calling me a cocksucker for deciding ahead of time to write a bad review of their books, which would actually be a lot easier than suffering through 200 plus pages of literary fucktardism...but I digress). And sometimes I just read books and keep it all to myself so that I can then wow you with my picks at the end of the year.

So, first off, In no particular order, the best books I read this year (which means some of these books didn't come out this year...):

Say You're One ofThem: Stories by Uwem Akpan

Mustang: The Saga of the Wild Horse in the American West by Deanne Stillman

I Am Death by Gary Amdahl

I Was Told There'd Be Cake by Sloane Crosley

A Grave In Gaza by Matt Beynon Rees

The Killer Inside Me by Jim Thompson

Obama's Challenge by Robert Kuttner

The Night of the Gun by David Carr

The Quiet American by Graham Green

Generation Kill by Evan Wright

Netherland by Joseph O'Neil

2666 by Roberto Bolano

Bang Crunch: Stories by Neil Smith

On Killing by Dave Grossman

The Impostor by Damon Galgut

The Good Soldier by Ford Maddox Ford

2666 by Roberto Bolano

Why Spy?: Espionage In An Age of Uncertainty by Frederick Hitz

Ghosts of Chicago:Stories by John McNally

The Collected Tales by Nicolai Gogol

Harry, Revised by Mark Sarvas

Shining City by Seth Greenland

Lush Life by Richard Price

Things That Pass For Love: Stories by Allison Amend

Five Books I Didn't Read But Told People I Did Read (and what I told people concerning said books):

The Story of Edgar Sawtelle by Davd Wroblewski: "Really an epic bit of storytelling, but I think retard narrators are, you know, getting a little old. Still, you can't help but love the language. So powerful. So true."

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson: "Look, I don't have time to read crime novels by my friends who are alive, but, let me tell you, this one was worth it. I was totally confused by it the whole way through. So rich. So compelling."

All The Sad Young Literary Men by Keith Gessen: "All I know is that book really spoke to me, or, well, it spoke to the former me, the me I wanted to be, but never was. I mean, n+1 is clearly just the tip of the iceberg for this guy. So fluid. So deperate." [I've never seen a single copy of n+1 before, much less read one. I might have visited the website once during one of those onine pissing matches, but could never figure out what everyone was so mad about. I mean, it's only words, as the Bee Gees once said.]

The Enchantress of Florence by Salman Rushdie. "His words...so...fine. So...meticulous. It's like watching a great artistan at work. I am humbled by his frailty. Like scrimshaw, but even smaller, sharper." [I've never read a single book by Rushdie but always lie and say I have, which is weird since by now most people know I've never read anything by Rushdie but still presume that I must now be on the boat.]

Several Books by My Friends. "Oh, man, I was really stunned. Your growth has been amazing to watch. It seems like just yesterday that you were talking about this book and now, here it is! It's so awesome, isn't it? Doesn't it feel great? Man. So cool. So really, really cool."

Old Book I Hated By A Famous Writer That Other People Seem To Really Like

Amsterdam by Ian McEwan

Book I Wanted To Hate Because It Has Been A Pain In My Ass, But Then Read It One Day At Borders And Found It Really Well Done

Living Dead Girl by Elizabeth Scott

And, finally: The Two New Books Of Mine That Are Coming Out in 2009

Burn Notice: The End Game -- May

Other Resort Cities: Stories -- October

A Month of Lists: My Top 5 Thoughts on Chinese Democracy

1. It's the best Buckcherry album of the year!

2. So, wait, I didn't know Axl was scoring a new Andrew Lloyd Weber play.

3. At some point, won't Tommy Stinson realize he used to be in The Replacements?

4. On the upside, I do like that song that sounds like November Rain. Though, admittedly, I liked it better when it was called November Rain.

5. Of all the albums I own featuring Buckethead, this one is my favorite!

A Month Of Lists: Top Sentences From Hate Mail I Received This Year

1. From Dr. Laura: "It was unkind and misleading of you to 'suggest' I have no credentials to do my work."

2.From the mother from the family edition of the Amazing Race: "We could have appeared as however they wanted to make us look. Yes, we are Christians...but just regular ole people who are living our lives. I never tried to exploit Jesus and hope that it never made you feel badly toward God. God does love you...and me....despite all of our sinful ways."

3. From M-Just M, who posted the following question on Yahoo Answers: "Does anyone else hate Tod Goldberg? I've seen his blog. He appears to have a one-word vocabulary, and unfortunately for humanity that word is f_ktard. OK, I know I'm lowering myself to his level by whining and asking ppl to pile on, but i have to know im not alone here."

4. From Diane Phelan, who purchased my 2003 book Living Dead Girl thinking it was Elizabeth Scott's book Living Dead Girl (which came out a few months ago): "You couldn't think of a different title for your book!? You had to use the same one Elizabeth Scott used for her book? Don't you think that's a sleazy way to get book sales? I'm sending your book back to Amazon unread!!!"

5. From an author unappreciative of my only partially negative review: "Wait until you have a book come out and then you'll see what it's like to have someone shit all over it."

 

 

A Month of Lists: The Top 4 Things I Signed In People's Books Over and Over Again

I never know what to sign in someone's book, so I've ended up trying to engage fans in gentle banter to get a sense of, you know, who they are, what they love (apart, clearly, from me...) and what would make them happy when they read what I wrote once they got back to their cars.

But since I frequently encounter people with limited speaking skills -- as in, I ask them quesitions and they just sorta stare at me like I have a fin growing from my head -- I've developed four can't miss signatures for my books meant to indicate both the great appreciation I have for the person buying the book and to keep myslef mildly entertained in the process. So, in order of publication date:

1. Fake Liar Cheat: "Here's proof positive we all start somewhere."

2. Living Dead Girl: "If you liked Fake Liar Cheat, this probably isn't for you, but best wishes anyway!"

3. Simplify: "These are not happy stories, I warn you." (This is actually a call-back to the first line of a great Richard Ford short story.)

4. The Fix: "Best wishes."

A Month Of Lists: Top 5 Terrible Songs I Downloaded This Year

1. Tarzan Boy by Baltimora. There used to be an 18 and under dance club in Palm Springs called Adrian's. It was a pretty classy place. On the weekends, Marines stationed at 29 Palms would come into town and hang out at Adrian's, where they would then proceed to hook up with 8th grade girls and/or get into fights with high school goths. On bad nights, when the Marines were busy elsewhere, we were just allowed to dance without fear on the slick dance floor, and that meant a nice opportunity to create friction on the leg of, say, someone named Becky. And Becky loved her some Tarzan Boy. And then, 25 years later, I downloaded it.

2. Wish You Were Here as "performed" by Fred Durst. Sometime after 9/11, there was a concert to raise money and a bunch of people got together and sang songs and America gave and gave and we beat the terrorists. In my mind, there was a great version of the Pink Floyd song Wish You Were Here performed. In fact, it was a version performed by Fred Durst and the guy from the Goo Goo Dolls.

3. The Cow by Gene Loves Jezebel. One night, while working on a short story, I suddenly found myself humming the chorus to the Gene Loves Jezebel song "The Cow." I then spent the better part of the evening looking through a box of old cassette tapes I've moved from LA to Las Vegas to Palm Springs to La Quinta to another house in La Quinta in vain hope of discovering the Gene Loves Jezebel album this song appeared on. No luck. I did find, however, a tape of the Vitamin Z song "Burning Flame" which made me very happy. I then spent about three hours on different Russian file sharing services until I finally found the song. And it sucked so much ass that I had to wonder if maybe I was being ritually abused as a 14 year old and therefore liked songs that sounded like goats being set on fire.

4. Far From Over by Frank Stallone. I don't remember downloading this, but it is on my mp3 player. All I can think is that I have suffered a series of small strokes.

5.  Naughty, Naughty by John Parr. This might be the worst music video of all time, but one of the greatest mullets. Like the Frank Stallone song above, I don't recall actually downloading this song, but nevertheless it is on my player and when it comes on, I turn the volume up to 11, unbutton my shirt down to my pelvis and strap on my American flag air guitar...

A Month Of Lists: Top 5 Reasons I Won't Read Your Self Published Book, 2008 Edition

In the past, I've filled this blog with the vaunted 12 Days of Lists during the holidays, but due to lax posting here of late (who knew running an MFA program, writing books and Red Tube could take up so much time?), I thought it might be nice if I started early on the lists this year as a way of assuring I get all my vitriol out before the end of the calendar year. If there's one thing I hate, it's holding a grudge. Or, well, holding it without telling everyone about it.

So: The Top 5 Reasons I Won't Read Your Self Published Book, 2008 Edition (It's important to note that this is an all new edition since god knows I've stated the reasons pretty clearly in the past, and yet, and yet...):

1. I don't believe the end of the Mayan calendar will bring forth the end of days. This is important since I am regularly offered books that use this very premise as the central conflict. Or the author himself believes it to be true and makes it clear during the conversation leading up to the sales pitch for his book. For instance, at the Vegas Valley Book Festival, I had the following conversation with a fellow who had a table offering up his book:

Man: You interested in the End of Days?

Me: Only in the sense that I'd like some forewarning.

Man: All the signs are right here. [He picks up his book and waves it at me. The cover has a giant man-lizard on the cover holding the earth in his hand...er...paw...uh...claw...appendage.]

Me: Uh-huh.

Man: It's all been foretold.

Me: By who?

Man: The Elders.

Me:

Man:

Me: The Elders?

Man: The Mayans were our civilization's elders. I call them The Elders.

Me: Actually, my elders were Russian Jews.

Man: The Mayan calendar existed long before Russian Jews, friend.

Me: I'm not sure about that.

Man: It's in the book. I had to self publish it because the government doesn't want the truth out.

Me: Well, good luck with that.

Man: It's not luck. It's been foretold.

2. Because Wendy will throw them away.

Wendy: What is this god awful looking book?

Me: Oh, yeah, some guy I was on a panel with self published his own crime novel. I felt sorry for him, so I bought it.

Wendy: If you really felt sorry for him, you'd tell him he was a moron for self publishing.

Me: Yeah, Lee did that instead. That's why I bought his book.

Wendy: Why don't you be the dick and let Lee be the nice guy?

Me: Well, you know, we trade back and forth.

Wendy: [flipping the pages, reading quietly] On page 101, this guy uses adverbs in every single dialog tag.

Me: Maybe he's being Dickensian.

Wendy: [flipping some more] The font face changes on page 124.

Me:

Wendy:

Me: It's not like I intend to read it, Wendy.

Wendy: Then I'm going to throw it away.

Me: Maybe we should give it away?

Wendy: It's signed "To my good new friend Tod Goldberg."

Me:

Wendy:

Me: He was very nice.

Wendy: I'm throwing it out.

Me: What if he comes by the house one day?

Wendy: Why would he do that?

Me: Well, you know, what if we become good friends down the line?

Wendy: [Putting the book behind her back.] Tell me his name.

Me:

Wendy: Anything?

Me:

Wendy:

Me: Jeff?

Wendy. I'm throwing it away.

Me: If he ever comes over, this is on you.

Wendy: You're an idiot.

3. I've never really been that into memoirs about surviving the death of a [spouse/friend/sister/brother/dog/cousin] or the redemptive power of [AA/God/the death of a spouse/fisting] or novels about [secret societies/your family tree that shows you're directly related to Mary Magdalene/the death of a spouse] but think that it's great that you are.

4. Because of all the crazy fucking people this year who have threatened to kill me, sent weird shit to my house, cornered me in bathrooms and shown up at my booksignings smelling of old cabbage, the majority have also had a book they self-published under their arm.

5. Because it probably sucks and I don't really want to take the time to find out if I'm wrong.