A Month Of Lists: Top 5 Reasons I Won't Read Your Self Published Book, 2008 Edition

In the past, I've filled this blog with the vaunted 12 Days of Lists during the holidays, but due to lax posting here of late (who knew running an MFA program, writing books and Red Tube could take up so much time?), I thought it might be nice if I started early on the lists this year as a way of assuring I get all my vitriol out before the end of the calendar year. If there's one thing I hate, it's holding a grudge. Or, well, holding it without telling everyone about it.

So: The Top 5 Reasons I Won't Read Your Self Published Book, 2008 Edition (It's important to note that this is an all new edition since god knows I've stated the reasons pretty clearly in the past, and yet, and yet...):

1. I don't believe the end of the Mayan calendar will bring forth the end of days. This is important since I am regularly offered books that use this very premise as the central conflict. Or the author himself believes it to be true and makes it clear during the conversation leading up to the sales pitch for his book. For instance, at the Vegas Valley Book Festival, I had the following conversation with a fellow who had a table offering up his book:

Man: You interested in the End of Days?

Me: Only in the sense that I'd like some forewarning.

Man: All the signs are right here. [He picks up his book and waves it at me. The cover has a giant man-lizard on the cover holding the earth in his hand...er...paw...uh...claw...appendage.]

Me: Uh-huh.

Man: It's all been foretold.

Me: By who?

Man: The Elders.

Me:

Man:

Me: The Elders?

Man: The Mayans were our civilization's elders. I call them The Elders.

Me: Actually, my elders were Russian Jews.

Man: The Mayan calendar existed long before Russian Jews, friend.

Me: I'm not sure about that.

Man: It's in the book. I had to self publish it because the government doesn't want the truth out.

Me: Well, good luck with that.

Man: It's not luck. It's been foretold.

2. Because Wendy will throw them away.

Wendy: What is this god awful looking book?

Me: Oh, yeah, some guy I was on a panel with self published his own crime novel. I felt sorry for him, so I bought it.

Wendy: If you really felt sorry for him, you'd tell him he was a moron for self publishing.

Me: Yeah, Lee did that instead. That's why I bought his book.

Wendy: Why don't you be the dick and let Lee be the nice guy?

Me: Well, you know, we trade back and forth.

Wendy: [flipping the pages, reading quietly] On page 101, this guy uses adverbs in every single dialog tag.

Me: Maybe he's being Dickensian.

Wendy: [flipping some more] The font face changes on page 124.

Me:

Wendy:

Me: It's not like I intend to read it, Wendy.

Wendy: Then I'm going to throw it away.

Me: Maybe we should give it away?

Wendy: It's signed "To my good new friend Tod Goldberg."

Me:

Wendy:

Me: He was very nice.

Wendy: I'm throwing it out.

Me: What if he comes by the house one day?

Wendy: Why would he do that?

Me: Well, you know, what if we become good friends down the line?

Wendy: [Putting the book behind her back.] Tell me his name.

Me:

Wendy: Anything?

Me:

Wendy:

Me: Jeff?

Wendy. I'm throwing it away.

Me: If he ever comes over, this is on you.

Wendy: You're an idiot.

3. I've never really been that into memoirs about surviving the death of a [spouse/friend/sister/brother/dog/cousin] or the redemptive power of [AA/God/the death of a spouse/fisting] or novels about [secret societies/your family tree that shows you're directly related to Mary Magdalene/the death of a spouse] but think that it's great that you are.

4. Because of all the crazy fucking people this year who have threatened to kill me, sent weird shit to my house, cornered me in bathrooms and shown up at my booksignings smelling of old cabbage, the majority have also had a book they self-published under their arm.

5. Because it probably sucks and I don't really want to take the time to find out if I'm wrong.

Comments

[Antoine Wilson]

But just imagine what you might be missing!11!!11!

[bree]

I think a memoir on the redemptive power of fisting actually sounds good. If you have one, send it to me.

[Lee Goldberg]

I must have half-a-dozen self-published books from strangers sitting in my office that, for whatever reason, I haven't thrown out.

One is from the clerk at my local post office and I'm desperately afraid he's going to ask me what I thought of it. I've already given him the "you should never self-publish" speech, and I think he knows he got ripped off, but he still thinks his book is wonderful. It's hideous, of course (I think I showed it to you once). I try to avoid him at the post office and I've given him 10,000 excuses why I haven't gotten around to reading it yet.

Lee

[V-Grrrl]

I really like the whole conspiracy angle in the marketing of self-published books. "The government doesn't want you to have this information," pulls so many *interesting* people out of the woodwork.

And then you have the opportunity to say, "Oh yeah, you're right! I work for Homeland Security and we had a secret meeting about your book. I've already read it! So has the head of the CIA. Watch your back."

Then you slink off while the guy nervously surveys the room.

[rachel whetzel]

lol I like the last one best.

[Ben Rehder]

I once had an author approach me at Bouchercon about blurbing his novel, which was to be published the following year. I told him to email me and we could talk about it. He did, months later, saying, "Thanks for agreeing to blurb my book, etc." (Of course, I hadn't agreed yet, but that's a different story.) Anyway, his cover letter said that he'd had offers from several publishers, but he chose this particular publisher because of blah, blah, blah, and he kept talking about "them" and "this publisher." Later, I saw hard evidence that this guy was self-published. When he said "they" and "them" in reference to his publisher, he was referring to himself. He'd gone to the trouble of establishing an "imprint" for himself and a few other authors, including his father. I had a suspicion that he also created a fictional editor out of thin air (i.e. on the website it said to send queries to this particular person), but I never did find out for sure if that editor existed or not. Lee, you probably know exactly who I'm talking about. Happened about three years ago.

[Emmy]

Wasn't ERAGON initially self published? I thought that was a wonderful story...they screwed up the movie, but the story was good.

Bet you wish you'd read that one if young Paolini offered it.

[Stickmann]

Wow.

Seriously, is this par for every author out there or just the Goldberg Brothers in particular? Furthermore, are you sure this isn't an elaborate prolonged actor's studio exercise for your benefit/at your expense?

P.S. From your blog, we all now know Wendy is brilliant. Pass that on, get sex in return.

[kari]

So Wendy is going to throw away my opus about my healing, fisting journey after the death of my cousin, Dog?

That's cold. . .

[Carol Meier]

I swear that you and your brother have jinxed me. I never used to come across self-published authors, not ever. Now they're coming at me from all angles. It started about the time I began reading your blogs. Dang you.

Just yesterday I had a guy come to my front door clutching a book he'd clearly had printed at Kinko's. I glanced through it and yes, it's as horrible as you assume. He had the balls to ask $35 for it. When I said no, he kept dropping the price until he finally just asked if I'd give him a $2 "donation." WTF? He said it was for "a starving artist." I said, "Honey, I AM the starving artist. Now, off you go!"

[Lee Goldberg]

Carol,

I am so glad I live in a gated community.

Lee

[Philippa Connors]

"The Mayan calendar existed long before Russian Jews, friend." Wow, now there's something you don't hear every day. [laughs]

Man, I love reading your blog - such a witty lad, you are. One of my new year's resolutions is to drop in on you on a more regular basis. Happy new year to you again, dear writer!