A Conversation I Had With A Fucktard

I'm beginning to sense that maybe the fucktard problem I have -- as in, I encounter a lot of fucktards -- might not be caused by a proliferance of fucktards in the world (though there certainly are quite a few of them) but that I somehow attract them to me. I don't know how this happens precisely. I am, I suppose, nominally a public figure and therefore have to deal with the nominal public at times, but there are times when I'm not even the main nominal public figure in the room and yet I still have interaction with fucktards.

This week provided a fine example. Tony Kushner, the Pulitzer Prize winning playwright of Angels in America, came and spoke on campus this past Thursday evening as part of our Arts & Letters series -- and I must say, he was great; I had the opportunity to spend some time with him before and after the show and he was funny and interesting and then, in what was really cool, he spent a good five minutes talking to every single person who bought his book, which is about as classy as it comes -- and during the course of his conversation on stage with Chuck Evered noted that he thought getting an undergraduate degree in playwriting was a bad idea, that you should instead get a liberal arts degree and learn about all sorts of things, live a little, and don't waste time writing until you can really write. He made a compelling argument. Anyway, after the program, I was standing around chatting with different people (there were about 300 there for the conversation), when I found myself cornered by a man of about 70.

Man: I'll tell you one thing, I think creative writing programs are a travesty. The worst are those MFA programs.

Me: Why is that?

Man: Well, not for what Kushner said. I think it's just a way for universities to make money.

Me: As opposed to football?

Man: You don't like football?

Me: Oh, no, I love football. College football. Pro football. Arena. But if you want to look at money making operations, college football pulls in a lot more than say an MFA in Poetry program does.

Man: Different thing.

Me: How so?

Man: Football builds character. MFA programs, creative writing programs, what do they build?

Me: Uh, professional writers. Hopefully, anyway.

Man: That guy who got up before Kushner, you ever heard of him?

Me: [not noting that I was the guy who got up before Kushner] Yes.

Man: I haven't. And he runs the MFA program here. What does that tell you? You want to look at a great writer, take a look at Clive Cussler.

Me:  He doesn't even write his own books anymore. I think his son writes them.

Man: Dirk Pitt, right?

Me: No, that's his character.

Man: You take a look at Cussler or James Patterson and that's where you see how these programs are a travesty.

Me: I'm not sure I follow you.

Man: Have you ever read Clive Cussler?

Me: Not in years.

Man: His plots are so intricate. He thinks of stuff no one has ever thought of.

Me: Like finding the Titanic?

Man: RIght. James Patterson is the same way.

Me: Like the one with the serial killer?

Man: Yeah. Yeah. You think that Kushner comes up with those? Or any of these MFA students? [here he points to the students, or at least who he presumes are students...which are, well, the students] You know who I also like?

Me: John Grisham.

Man: That's right.

Me: I like the one about the guy who has to fight against the crooked lawyers.

Man [thnking] Yes, that is a good one.

Me: So, what are you doing here, if I may ask?

Man: My wife brought me here. She's a fan, I guess. And you?

Me: I direct the MFA program.

Man:

Me:

Man: Here?

Me: Yes.

Man:

Me:

Man: You were up on the stage.

Me: For a little bit, yes. I was the one who stood up and talked about the MFA program.

Man:

Me:

Man: I better find my wife.

Comments

[Ross Angelella]

Tod, I heart you.

[Dean]

I was hoping that Wendy was there and that she was going to call someone an idiot. I found myself heartened as the conversation took a Wendy-calling-someone-an-idiot turn... but alas.

[Tina]

Man: His plots are so intricate. He thinks of stuff no one has ever thought of.

Me: Like finding the Titanic?

Ahahahahahahaha!

[Betsy]

My favorite part:
Man:
Me:

[mernitman]

Oh God that's classic. Ditto to Betsy's comment. It's the kind of eloquence one doesn't hear at say, a college football game...

[Heather]

Haha! OMG, just to prove that guy wrong I am going to become a big-time famous author as well and when they ask where did you go to school I will say UCR Palm Desert and Tod mentored me.

You do have lots of fucktards that talk to you. What's up with that?

[Bill Peschel]

I snirked at this:

Man: RIght. James Patterson is the same way.

Me: Like the one with the serial killer?

After all, making fun of this guy was=fish/barrel.

As for attracting the fucktards, Tod, consider this ability a gift from God, and a mikvah to present them to us.

And once you've collected a couple hundred pages of material, you'll be able to sell it as a book, called "Tod Goldberg's Big Golden Book of Fucktards." With illustrations by Gerald Scarfe.

[Stacy]

OMG!

[Brenna]

Holy CRAP that was HILARIOUS! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. It's kind of bad, actually, since I just had sinus surgery and I'm pretty sure that laughing crap out of my nose is not what the doctor ordered. Still, kudos. Absolutely awesome!

[Lori]

"And once you've collected a couple hundred pages of material, you'll be able to sell it as a book, called "Tod Goldberg's Big Golden Book of Fucktards." With illustrations by Gerald Scarfe."

I would buy that book.

[Stephanie]

It's the James Pattersons that contribute to the sadness of the world and send us all down into the mud. I close my eyes and see the best seller list and see Grishams and Pattersons and think, these hands....these hands that were so strong could not hold my friends.

PS - I'm going to sell shirts that say: Team MFA.

[stephanie]

And that's a Neverending Story reference. The sadness and the mud and the hands.

Anyway....

[Victor Gischler]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Carol Meier]

Oh, Tod, the life you lead. Lucky man.

[shawna]

Love the silent script parts. You handle the fucktards well, too.

[Leo from RM.]

Good ending. He actually extracted himself well.

I hope I don't have a story (about me) in your book.

[Liz Ness]

You are soooooo cool. (I found you via your sisters, btw.)

The entire moment seems like a strange dream -- how did you not just start laughing at him? (I mean, I know the situation could cause anger too, but he seemed crazy.)

[Sue McG]

Oh you just totally crack me up, laughing out loud cracking up, priceless :)