Tod Goldberg

That Makes Me 1%

One of the unique joys of my life is that I got to see Jane's Addiction play about 100 times in tiny little clubs in Hollywood back in the 80s. It's one of those things that, when looking back, seems amazing -- there would be shows where Jane's would play and then the Peppers would pop out, or Thelonious, or Fishbone and it was pretty much something we all took for granted ("we all" encompassed a lot of drunk high school boys who then became drunk frat boys). I remember seeing them at the Palladium and thinking, well, I guess this is it, no more shows at small clubs. Later, I saw them at the smallest club ever -- on top of Mt. Baldy next to a pool -- and then I was sure that was the last time I'd see them that up close and personal. All of which is to say, I wish I'd been at their reunion show last week. From the video below, it looks just like how it used to be: a bar with a low ceiling, Christmas lights, a sound system that makes a guitar, a bass, a set of drums and one shrieking Perry into the loudest band on earth.

No Word Yet From Pinky Tuscadero

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

Spies & Swayze

The good people at the literary journal Barrelhouse recently interviewed me about a host of topics, including writing The Fix, my writing in general and, because it's Barrelhouse, my thoughts on Patrick Swayze:

Barrelhouse: Do you know why Michael Weston got burned?

Tod Goldberg: No, but then I’ve never bothered to ask. The other side is: I really love the show and don’t want to know. Because then Michael just becomes a PI. It’s better to have him looking into this conspiracy since it adds a real palpable dimension to the character. Just like you didn’t really want the Fugitive to find the one armed man or Mulder to figure out what really happened to his sister or Shaggy to enter into intense therapy to get over his very bizarre bestiality issues with Scooby, because then that narrative engine runs out and it’s just disposable episodes each week, like you’re watching Matt Houston or something. I do know some things, of course, because I’ve read all of the scripts for Season 2 already, and I think when the Battlestar Galactica lands in Miami to pick up Six, things are going to get really tense.

Barrelhouse: Okay, our last question is the Barrelhouse Standard: what’s your favorite Patrick Swayze movie?

Tod Goldberg: I really vacillate on this one. But for sheer 80s greatness, I think I have to go with Red Dawn. I mean, he and C. Thomas Howell beat the Commies using nothing but patriotism, which I don’t think kids today can really appreciate. It’s the basic equivalent of Justin Timberlake and the Jonas Brothers taking out Al Qaeda which I think would be awesome, if unlikely.

Reason #214 Why I Don't Have My Own Signature Fragrance

People are always asking me, "Tod, when are you going to come out with your own signature fragrance?" And I always say the thing, just prior to running off to Chess King to pick up my new Chams outfit: "As soon as Drakkar Noir stops being so awesome."

Apparently, Danielle Steel doesn't have the same monastic patience I do and thus thought it was important to develop her own scent. Unfortunately, the people who review perfumes, namely Chandler Burr at the New York Times, found her perfume to be roughly equivalent to getting kicked in the nuts repeatedly until death offers sweet relief:

Danielle Steel stepped from the late-model cherry-red Bentley, the spike heel of her Louboutins skipping over a pile of trash in the gutter and planting itself firmly on the Manhattan sidewalk.

Steel had sold 450 million books. She wore a stunning Oscar de la Renta top that cost lots and lots of money and a big, amazing, tasteless fur coat that cost even more money. Her perfectly tanned face, immaculately made up with Chanel makeup that reflected her Swarovski earrings that cost lots of money, was turned upward to the offices of her perfume licensee, Elizabeth Arden, the company that would be making Danielle by Danielle Steel, the Danielle Steel Perfume.

In the Arden meeting room, Danielle Steel shared her vision with Elizabeth Arden Internal Creative Team. Elizabeth Arden Internal Creative Team listened to Danielle Steel describe the perfume she envisioned. It would be a stunning, amazing perfume! It would be exquisite but avant-garde. It would be timeless but also trendy, classic but also contemporary. (Elizabeth Arden Internal Creative Team nodded its collective head vigorously. Yes, yes! it said.) Young women would wear it, but middle-age women would wear it, too, and everyone would want it and everyone would love it because in the time it had taken to conduct the creative meeting with the Elizabeth Arden Internal Creative Team, Danielle Steel had sold 500 million books.

It only gets better from there. Or worse, depending upon your particular affinity for Danielle Steel.

On a side note, I just spent about 30 minutes looking for a photo of a Chams shirt from the early 80s and it's as if Chams De Baron has scrubbed the internet clean of said abomination except for an old disco-era commercial. Which means now I'm going to have to go poking through a bunch of old pictures in hopes of finding a shot of myself wearing a black sleeveless polyester blend shirt with yellow piping in order to prove, once and for all, that growing up in the 80s was like growing up on the fucking moon. Half of my shirts from that period of time snapped on a diagonal over my collarbone and the other half inexplicably had red mesh in a lot of odd places.

Now it's a quest.

McCain's Best Debate Moment

I Would For You

The good people at Dear Author ask a very pressing question: What Would Tod Goldberg Do?

I think we all know that answer generally:

1. Mock.

2. Engender the hatred of fucktards...who actually just hate Lee, but who have decided transference is the new sanity.

3. Swear to any who will listen that I am the blue blob with a head who appears in this video at exactly 49 seconds in. I am standing right above Navarro's guitar and Perry's arm. Seriously. Freeze it. You'll see me.

4. Ponder why more people aren't talking about how Sarah Palin starred in Weird Science:

Here's a photo of her from her ingenue days.

  Here she is on the poster for Weird Science. Also weird that they never talk about how she was married to Steven Segal.

5. Ponder why so few people realize that Michelle Obama and Sigourney Weaver are never in the same place at the same time.

Married to the future President.

Married to the President in DAVE. 

5 Things I Forgot To Post Here

1. A conversation I had with Wendy:

Me: So, I'm getting into the Amazing Race again.

Wendy: We're not applying.

Me: Yeah, I know. I'm just saying. But, this season? They have a surprising number of out of shape guys running around. I think this could have been the year where, had we applied, we could have won.

Wendy: I can't even get you off of Facebook and you think you could win a race?

Me: I'm just saying that if I really trained for, like, six months, I could be kicking ass throughout all of Southeast Asia.

Wendy: Didn't you throw up for three days after eating at Pho Saigon?

Me: Look, I'm just saying, if those Weaver Family fucktards could almost win the family edition of the Race, I'm pretty sure I could do just as well. 

Wendy:

Me: Now, granted, they had Jesus on their side. But I've got rage. And angst.

Wendy:

Me: And then there was that season with the chick with one leg. And that midget girl. Like I couldn't have taken them? I mean, seriously, with a little training? I could take the Weaver Family, the one-legged lady and any midget, anywhere, any time. That's all I'm saying.

Wendy:

Me: So. Yeah.

Wendy: You're an idiot.

2. I won an award for book & arts criticism, including for this essay on The Wire. 

3.   Another angry email from a fucktard named Diane Phelan who bought my book Living Dead Girl, thinking it would be Elizabeth Scott's book Living Dead Girl:

You couldn't think of a different title for your book!? You had to use the same one Elizabeth Scott used for her book? Don't you think that's a sleazy way to get book sales? I'm sending your book back to Amazon unread!!!

4. Fucktard Emeritus Nick Daws, who might just be the biggest fucktard alive, and might be the biggest fucktard among the dead, too, has this to say about a book called Best Seller Secret:

Like all WCCL products, Best Seller Secret is beautifully produced, and it has obviously been professionally written and edited. I should make one point clear right away, however. Despite the title, The Best Seller Secret will NOT show you how to write a best-seller (for that, try Novel In A Month or my own Write Any Book In Under 28 Days).

Wouldn't it reason that if Nick knew the secret to writing best sellers, he'd just be writing them and not, you know, writing Write Any Book In Under 28 Days?

5. I don't know what it says about me, but I rather enjoyed a book I read on nose picking. 

This Is Wrong On A Lot Of Levels...

...which makes it made of the fabric of awesome. Behold...Baby Palin.

Live. On Tape.

If you've been dying to hear me talk about writing The Fix vs. just reading about it, well, your chance is here. I'll be interviewed tonight on KSAV's show Dave White Presents at 7:30pm (Pacific) and then, after, the show will available for download here.  I can't think of a better way of spending your apres debate time than listening to me live, on tape, from the comfort of my home office here in lovely La Quinta, CA talking about spy stuff while trying to get my dog to stop barking.

Living Still, I Presume?

The answer to the above noted question is: Yes.

While I understand that you all may be suffering from some serious blog neglect these last two weeks, know that it's for a greater good: On Friday, I'll be turning in my 2nd Burn Notice book, The End Game. And on Monday, off goes my finished short story collection. And then, a few days later, well, I'll probably finish The End Game again.

In the mean time, please enjoy the musical stylings of Ebn Ozn: