For those of you still pining for your very own signed copy of The Fix -- or simply pining to see Lee and I together once more -- the Traveling Caravan of Goldbergness is picking up again this weekend for an event at the Barnes & Noble in Calabassas on Saturday at 1pm. This is a notable event for several reasons:
1. The B&N is in the Commons, which is a shopping center frequently visited by celebrities, since they all live in the neighborhood. This is notable since it means there's a good chance that you might see Jessica Simpson or one of those tramps from The Hills or even Dr. Dre, who I once saw at the Starbucks there. He didn't recognize me. I also once saw Eazy-E at a TGIFridays in Woodland Hills, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Eazy Motherfucking E will not be attending this event.
2. It's the last official Lee & Tod literary event of the summer, which means we're likely to be insulting each other at a rapid fire pace, which is always entertaining. So if you happen to hate either one of us, this would be a good time to come and listen to us tell stories about each other that invariably cast both of us in a poor light. In fact, maybe I'll invite this fucktard, who hates Lee so much she actually has a tag on her blog that is Lee Goldberg is a Twat, and who apparently hates Lee for, uh, well, shit, it's hard to tell. Seems like a lot. I'd love it if she hated me equally and found it in her heart to build a Tod Goldberg is a Twat tag in my honor. Just let me know how I can get you to have even more irrational hatred towards another person you don't actually know, you insufferable whore, and I'll get right on it. [That should do it, don't you think?]
3. I'm still working on the 2nd Burn Notice book and I'm hurrying towards the finish line and really don't have time to drive out to LA to do this booksignining, so I'm frankly a little cranky about the whole thing. So in the event one of the very odd people who now frequent my signings to tell me Burn Notice sucks, or that I used the word "shit" in the book and that really offended them (I can't tell you how many emails people have sent me about the word "shit" in that book...but no one has complained about a guy getting hit in the face so hard all of his teeth break out...that's fine. Shit? The horror!), or that I suck, or anything that I find remotely cool sucks, I'm liable to actually defecate on them. I mean that literally. I will start defecating on people. Be forewarned.
4. Our sisters are going to be coming, too, and our sisters have two really great books out. But because they are our sisters, they also have these very weird, very millitant scrapbookers who hate them for, uh, using non-acid free paper or glue sticks or some such madness. You've not experienced life until you've experienced angry scrapbookers confronting our sisters. I can't assure you any angry scrapbookers will be there, but how can you miss even the slightest chance of encountering this breed of fucktard?
5. In case you haven't noticed, there's some It's A Wonderful Life shit going on with our economy this week and there's a really good chance that by next week the Commies will have landed in California and will be going all Red Dawn on our asses. So. Yeah. The time is now to enjoy the freedom to purchase whatever books you want before the American dollar goes the way of Kirk/Spock slash fiction (ie: into the ass) and we're all speaking Russian. So there's that.
Here are the details:
When: This Saturday, 1pm
Where: The Barnes & Noble in Calabassas, CA
4735 Commons Way
Calabasas, CA 91302
1. You're stalking me and vengeance will be yours.
2. You love literature and know that only Burn Notice tie-in novels can save the written word.
3. You sort of have a thing for the guy who starred in The Last American Virgin and I kinda looked like him when I was 16.
4. You've already read all of Sarah Palin's emails.
5. You're a huge fan of Lee's and you mom is finally letting you out of the basement on weekends.
Hope to see you there!