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September 12, 2008

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Philippa Connors

"And I like that bit about my book being so bad you have to wash your hands after reading it -- that's a new level of hate. I love the idea that my book is so bad that it might be contagious."

Holy shit! Burn Notice's The Fix is the "Hot Zone" of television tie-in novels! Wow, who knew!! I know what you're saying, because a part of me thinks that's kinda exciting, actually. *chortles*

Tod, are you being "punk'd" in this review? It's so bizarre, I just can't get my mind around the fact that this dude would really write a 1000 page tome on this, ending with the "wash your hands or you'll feel dirty in the morning" vibe. This is definitely not your garden-variety fucktard. This is like, freak-ass fucktard stuff. It's the netherworld of fucktardery. The Fucktard Zone.

Soooo...lemme get this straight - even though the book purportedly sucks, fans of Burn Notice should still check it out because....???? I'm guessing it's because a) we have an appreciation for "pedestrian, average, and uninspired" writing and b) we're fans of pretty people and big explosions and the occasional witty gibe on the television show. Yes? Would watching Monk make us erudite and sophisticated? Mayhaps so.

So I see Lee has already added his two cents to W. Dobson's review (eloquently and calmly, I might add)...what an awesome brother.

stephanie

I hate internet assholes.

Lee Goldberg

Although I am an awesome brother, I am not the "Lee" who wrote that comment on the fucktard's fucktardery.

Lee

Mike D.

"... fucktard fucktardery" -- that Lee is funny! Maybe I should read the Monk series. Hmmmm.

It's actually quite common for Amazon reviewers to to this. They feel compelled to set the reading community straight, based on what they feel are errant reviews.

It's interesting that this guy never stated WHY he thought your tie-in novel sucked or required the rest of us to wash our hands afterwards.

And remember this: no matter how good, bad or mediocre a work is, there are always a few reviews like that. I always take them with a grain of salt myself and read more reviews that are in line with what the community thinks. It's a kind of "Wisdom of Crowds" thing. Ignore the extremes and hone in on the perspicacious reviews.

Gordo

Anyone who can take a piece out of a lowlife who thinks using disability linked to an expletive is OK in my book. The only so-called "Fucktard" here is the writer of this blog, given the depth of his smug insensitivity and adolescent writing.

tod goldberg

Well, yes, Gordo, that's what I said. That the writer of the review thinks I'm a fucktard, and mostly it's in light of my poor writing. So I think we are in agreement.

Is there a better word I should use in lieu of fucktard, Gordo? How about cocksucker? Or is that not allowed because of the homosexual connotations? Fucking asshole? Again, we get the anti-gay sentiment. Bitch? As the owner of two female dogs, well, I feel like that would be mean to Minnie and Scout. Dick? Well, again, I have a penis, so I'm not sure that will work as that would be mean to people with penises. Pussy? Again, I have sisters and a wife, though I do generally dislike cats, so that might be insensitive to cats. Sicko? Hmm, see, that's mean to people who are sick. Nimrod? That's prejorative to his father, Ham, who was a great fighter. Idiot? That was an actual clinical term for mental retardation, so that's out. Cretin? Same thing. Moron? Oh, again, same thing.

So, I think I'll have to stick with fucktard until such time as I can find an insult that doesn't offend any segment of society, though I guess then it wouldn't be an insult.

Gordo

Classic. The defensive response of someone in the wrong who knows it. Exaggerated indignance doesn't work, Tod. If you can differentiate among the various elements of your laundry list of insults above, well... Except I think you can, and you're using overstatement in a tired effort to justify your choice. All it does it make you look more the fool.

Sean

He's not defending himself. He's mocking you. There's a difference. Good luck in your quest to rid the world of the word fucktard, tho. Let us know if you find any wmds, too.

tod goldberg

I don't need any help looking like a fool, Gordo. Clearly. If I were sorry about using the word fucktard, I'd apologize. I'm not sorry. I use it all the time on these pages. It's part of the vernancular. So when you see a t-shirt with a photo of George W. Bush on it with the word fucktard beneath it, do you really think people are making fun of people with actual disabilities?

I am always stunned by people who take offense at swear words, as if those words somehow have the power to do them harm. You have the power to not be offended, because it's a word of gibberish, really, Gordo, no different than any other word of its ilk. You want it to somehow be interpreted directly as mocking those with actual clinical disabilities even when you know there's no possible way that it is. But you want it to be and therefore it is.

And of course, there's the fact that I am calling myself a fucktard in this context.

Leo

Tod, That "wash your hand" comment should be placed in a prominent part of the next revision of your book...Inside cover, back cover, maybe even the front cover. Taken out of context, that could be a real selling/hype point. Go Tod!

Lee Goldberg

What the frak are you frigging talking about, Tod? That's pure bullpucky and feldergarb. Words can freaking hurt. Heck, there are plenty of other gosh darn words that would get your bleeping point across without you resorting to such foul language.

This might be helpful: NBC wouldn't let me use the word "moron" in a show because I would offend all the morons in the audience. Acceptable alternatives included dink, dope, dummy, and numbskull. You might try those. They pack a punch. You might also try poop, doo-doo, ka-ka, and action to replace a disgusting, four-letter word for excrement.

You don't want offend the sensibilities of retards who are fucked. They have feelings too, you know, even if they were only born with a brain stem.

Lee

Bill Rabkin

I have to say I'm pissed. Trashing your book in order to get people to buy my own, that's a pretty cool idea. (Um, I guess I should says "that's a pretty good idea, BOSS.") But if I had written that, I would have gotten the publication date right. Psych: A Mind Is A Terrible Thing To Read comes out in January, which is hardly the Spring, except in LA where you can't tell the difference...

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