5 Things You Should Know About This Interview Before Watching It

1. The interviewer hadn't actually read my book, but that's okay. She called me sexy, which is nice because I wasn't feeling very sexy that day. Mostly, I was feeling tired. I'd spent the previous night with the lovely HelenKay Dimon and her husband James eating Chinese food in the most bizarre Chinese restaurant ever. It takes up the entire expanse of the bottom floor of an office building in San Diego and they've never bothered to, you know, redecorate from when it was actual office space. So there's this really bright flourescent lighting and bad carpeting and air walls and the general sense that you're sitting in the lobby of a dentist's office eating pork fried rice. Then, we returned back to HK and James' house and watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, which meant James and I spent two hours mocking other countries  or noting the relative hotness of the women from odd 3rd world places ("Man, who knew the women in Kiribati are surprisingly attractive." "I don't care what anyone says, Lesotho brought mad hotties.") and then, just for kicks, I decided to take a gander at where I thought I was going to be speaking the next morning -- which I thought was like, you know, ten minutes away -- and found it was actually 2 hours away. It was also at that point that I decided I should probably plan some remarks, since I was expected to speak for an hour about, uh, crossing genres. Something, I, uh, don't really know anything about except that I know I've done it. It's sort of like walking: I know I do it, but I'm not really sure how it's actually done. Normally, I just figure I'll wing these things, but there were about 150 people attending said event, so I realized I'd better, you know, get something down. And then five hours later, I was in my car heading towards the event. The event? I was the afternoon speaker for Orange County chapter of the Romance Writers of America, which I told them was odd since all the women in my books and stories typically end up dead.

2. Apparently, I sit funny. This wouldn't be such a big deal if I wasn't being filmed while sitting funny. But in this interview, I look like someone has pulled my left leg out of the socket and I'm trying to compensate in the chair. Apparently I also smile funny sometimes and have fingers like sausages. These are all things one should know prior to watching this interview, since it might frighten unsuspecting viewers.

3. By virtue of sitting funny, I've cleverly found a way to hide my double chin in the collar of my shirt. Note to self: sit awkwardly at all times. I've also learned, via watching this interview, that I need more white collared shirts, but that maybe I need undershirts with a lower collar. What's the universal opinion on this in regards to undershirts and collared shirts? 

4. At one point during the interview, I completely lose the ability to understand what I'm being asked about. You can sort of see it on my face. I just kinda check out. It happens sometimes. Someone is asking you something, you're thinking of something witty to say and then, just like that, you're thinking about something else and it all turns to shit. In this case, the blank look disappears in time for me to figure out the gist of what she's saying and respond with my trademark brio.

5. Yes, I am aware that that woman interviewing me, the author Jina Bacar, sort of has a kind of Nina Hartley thing going on. I can say that when we spoke in person, she didn't really use that voice and then when she started filming, there it was, which was a bit of a surprise. I was thinking, "Oh, she does voices. Okay. Cool." And then I thought, "Is she going to keep using that voice?" And then I thought, "Am I expected to use that voice?" And then I thought, "Well, maybe that's her thing." Which, after watching a few of her other videos, is apparently the case. I've got fucktard, she's got the husky porn voice thing. I'm considering changing my thing for her thing. Seems like I'd get less emails from absolute fucktards...oh...wait...well, there you go. Guess I'm keeping my thing. 

So, knowing all of the above, and knowing that it's always cool to be asked anything about anything, behold:

Comments

[Joshua Ellis]

Dude, it looks less like an interview and more like a proof-of-life video. Like, you should be hella unshaven and holding up a newspaper so the Feds can see the date on it. You look *scared*. :-)

[Philippa Connors]

Tod, someone posted this interview over on the BN board recently - okay, I beg to differ. You don't look scared at all to me. You look somewhat taken aback by Jina Bacar's cheeky, shamless flirting but overall quite amused by it all. You look like you're having fun, which made it a hell of a lot of fun for me to watch. *ponders thoughtfully* Although... I've gotta say, I probably would've enjoyed the interview even more, had you pulled the husky porn voice out of your back pocket, Tod. *LOL* Someday, when you make a literary appearance on the east coast and I show up to meet you, you can regale me with tales of your literary life using the husky porn voice. Tell you what: you'll know who I am by the fact that I ask you to recite Prufrock using the husky porn voice, 'kay? Now, don't anyone else here on the internet take this idea and run with it, 'kay? *earnest look*

*lol*

Tod, we love ya man! Keep up the media appearances, it's all good. 8-)

[kryme_dog]

Dude. That lady is a cook. She does look like Nina Hartley only she apparently is way hornier. Did she come one to you in tyhat weird office cubicle after she turned the Jihad camera off?

Because I like to look like I'm working for anyone who walks by my office, I looked her up. Here is an exceprt from her book:

A web of pleasure begins to weave itself in my belly and between my legs as I think about his tongue flicking back and forth across my clitoris, while his pinching fingers send exquisite sensations though my nipples and breasts. And I have to lie here and enjoy it.

Ok, I took a quick break to blow my load into my file cabinet, now I'm back. Does she do bachelor parties?

Oh and by the way. What are you doing for lunch tomorrow? I say you skip it.

[SZ]

Well you did not look frightened to me. I too would have loved a little ad lib porn voice back at her. Could not see your left leg, but did see you are left handed. Well done.

kryme_dog, Is that an exact quote ? Because it must be a misprint if she wrote "And I "have" to lie here and enjoy it".
More like "get" to !

[HelenKay Dimon]

At least the Chinese food was good...

[C.A. Gilder]

Hey, Tod...

During that interview, was Nina holding her own... camera?

By the way, did you join the RWA after the meeting?

[Marie]

Oh my Gosh! You're lefthanded, just like me!

[Angela]

That lady is plain creepy. She was completely fawning all over you and way over the top with her flirting! You handled yourself so well. Your interview space looked like you were being filmed in a tiny cubicle though and the audio was a bit . . . amateur, but you did fine! I see no double chins or weird leg things happening, just so you know. :)