Letters To Parade: "Keep The Bastards Locked In The Attic" Edition

I'd like to believe that most people are fairly decent, that if given the chance to get away with killing a puppy or strangling an infant or defecating on Dick Cheney that they'd take the high road. I'd like to believe that in this day and age, in this enlightened society, that even fucktards might be able to look charitably towards, at the very least, defenseless humans (so, Cheney is out in this equation...but Dr. Laura is fair game...) and realize that whatever station they were born into was not, categorically, their fault.

I'd also like to believe that periodicals such as Parade, which purports to be all about the American family, would perhaps take a sensitive angle to the plight of poor, defenseless kids who've had the temerity to be born out of wedlock to actors.

But alas, I've also always believed that if Gwen Stefani had the chance to see me in real life that she'd probably want to have a threesome with me and Wendy...but then I literally ran into her at Target a few weeks ago and she totally did not seem down for the three way (nor did Gavin or their kid -- Apple? Suri? Fullerton? Levon? Seven? -- who was just, you know, a poor defenseless kid being held by his hot ass mom in Target) and, thus, my entire belief system was thrown into flux. So it didn't come as much surprise to me that a fucktard named Mario Bartoletti of Valdosta, GA would pose the following clusterfuck of fucktardery in this weekend's issue of Parade:

In Hollywood’s Golden Age, stars like Loretta Young kept their out-of-wedlock children a secret. Why do today’s unmarried stars feel free to flaunt such babies?

That's a great question, Mario. Here's your answer, you insufferable piece of shit:  BECAUSE THEY ARE THEIR CHILDREN NOT SOME FUCKING DISEASE THEY PICKED UP FROM A TRANNIE HOOKER IN THAILAND, YOU FUCKING MORON! This isn't some VC Andrews novel, Mario, you miserable fucktard, so children are allowed to leave the house and everything these days. Even if they are born out of wedlock, they are still given all the rights of a human being. That means they don't need to be hidden in some back room and fed porridge out of a dog bowl...they actually get to live! Yeah, I know, it's crazy. Children whose parents aren't married should be hidden away. They should be stigmatized. They should be looked down upon by people like you, Mario. They should periodically be pelted with rocks and garbage and be forced to watch the 700 Club while being spit on by gila monsters.

"Flaunt such babies." Jesus. Mario. Really. You're a fucktard. If you send me your address, I'll send you one of my "One Planet. One People. No Fucktards. Please." shirts free of charge.

Now, then, I think we can expect that Parade would greet this question with the same level of scorn that I have, right? I mean, particularly since they are all about serving AMERICA. So, they'll tell Mario to suck it, right? Right? Right????

Uh, no.

In Young’s day, film studios often had “morals clauses” written into contracts to ensure that stars maintained acceptable standards of behavior. Young’s contract could have been terminated if it was learned that she was pregnant by Clark Gable, her Call of the Wild co-star. (For years, her daughter, Judy Lewis, thought Young had adopted her.) Today, Hollywood has no such standards —“acceptable” or otherwise.

So, I'm curious. What is unacceptable about being a successful person and having a child that you can support and love, even if you're missing one of the parents? What is unacceptable, morally, about giving birth? I always hear about how immoral abortion is, so I'm wondering where giving birth falls into the morality debate. I'm also curious about how many single mothers work at Parade. How many find their lives to be unacceptable? Take the myth of Hollywood out of the equation -- because, really, all actors are are people with jobs, just like any of us -- and once again Parade is relegating women to second class status. It's a pretty rampant thing in the pages of Parade -- specifically in the intellectual bukakke of Personality Parade -- and so I wonder, yet again, what must it be like to be a woman and in charge of a magazine that hates you and thinks you're nothing more than a cum vessel (really -- they had a story all about it a few weeks ago...)?

Comments

[Mike Barer]

That's Midwest mentality. Beer and guns, OK. Sex without marriage, bad.

[JDRhoades]

Mike, you'd be amazed at how many people there are in the Midwest living together out of wedlock. And the South, too.
It's not a regional thing, it's a fucktard thing.

[Emil]

Don't know much about the geographical dispersion of America and the associated pseudo-cultures, but this dolt is for sure a fucktard galore. "Flaunt" children - christ, I've never heard of anthing like that - not even here in South Africa where we have our own problems.

The response from Parade is just fucking stupid. Nice one Todd, out these genetically challenged fucktards.

[Xenobia]

Well, for one thing, Mario is probably pushing 100 years old. Those are words that could only have come out of a nonogenarian's mouth.

Secondly, while I'm troubled to find myself taking the side of a Parade magazine columnist, I do think some of these young celebrities treat their babies (out-of-wedlock and otherwise) like teh newest hot fashion accessory. Lookee! Everyone who's anybody is getting one. They're cuddly and smile and sleep a lot and you can buy them all kinds of cool accessories ($700 Bugaboo stroller anyone?) and you can hire a foreign-born nanny to change its diapers for $20 a day!

So no, there's nothing inherently wrong with having a child out of wedlock. (And certainly, a child is still a child, and as you point out the moral "majority" should be thrilled that people are having babies instead of abortions.) But two parents* are best.

*Or one emotionally and financially stable parent and a village, and I say this from the perspective of an unmarried single parent. Being a parent is hard work, and being a *single* parent is even harder. I'm concerned that all the super-rich starlets parading their newest fashion accessories around on the cover of People and Us will convince a lot of teenagers that what they need is a baby, when what they really need is a college degree and a stable relationship.