Your LA Times Festival Of Books Primer

[First, before I dispense with Book Festival wisdom: If you happen to live in Southern California and are a fan of Augusten Burroughs, he will be speaking on the campus of UCR's Palm Desert Graduate Center, where I mold young minds, tonight [Thursday] at 6pm, followed by a book signing and reception where you'll get to eat cheese and cookies and get your memoir love on. It's a free event and though we're expecting a big crowd, it's an excellent opportunity to see Burroughs outside of the mob scene of a book store. Burroughs will be giving a 45 minute talk and then I'll sit down with him for a brief Q &A as well. Details can be found here ]

I'm a big fan of the LA Times Festival of Books, not least of all because I'm just a huge book dork, but also because for us author-folk, it's like an annual west coast conclave of authors; so while it's ostensibly a business affair, it's also just a great way to see a great sum of your friends at one time with food catered by the LA Times & UCLA.

Of course, it's also my time to have odd and usually inappropriate conversations with people. Normally, I try to have a meaningless conversation with Christopher Hitchens, either about cheese or sporks while standing in the food line. Last year, I tried to get in front of Deepak Chopra long enough to say the word "bukkake" in front of him to see if he has any reaction, spiritual or otherwise, but he was fairly unapproachable last year. Dr. Phil would seem like a good target for mundane conversation -- and his publicist is a former student of mine, so I've got an in -- but I'm afraid if I were in front of him I'd either spit on him or say, "Hey NOW!" to see if he really is Jeffery Tambor. I think this year I'm going to try to have a dumb conversation with Steve Garvey, since he notoriously snubbed me in favor of Kato Kaelin a few years back. So, here are the options I see for conversation starters with Mr. Forearms:

1. "Steve, just to be clear, Brett Michaels is bald underneath that bandanna, don't you think?"

2. "Any opinion on whether Starbuck is the 5th Cylon?"

3. "I don't know about you, but I think that Dr. Laura is looking like a sweet, sweet piece of conservative fucktardery this weekend. You gonna hit that?"

I am of course open to other conversation topics, so if you have ideas, feel free to drop them in the comments and I'll let you know how it goes.

After attempting to corner Mr. Garvey, I'll be doing 2 panels over the weekend. For those expecting to see me with T. Jefferson Parker and Denise Hamilton on a panel -- we did one together I think 4 years in a row, with different iterations; one year Jeff was the moderator, one year Marcos McPeak Villatoro was the moderator, twice I was the moderator -- the LA Times has decided we're like the president: four years is enough. So, instead, I'm doing the following events:

Saturday, 10AM:

Young Hall CS 50

PANEL     1091
Fiction: The Long & Short of It
   Moderator   Mr. Tod Goldberg
   Ms. Sylvia Brownrigg
   Mr. Brock Clarke
   Ms. Tara Ison
   Ms. Susan Straight

This should be a lively talk -- I'm friends with Susan and Tara, and I think they are friend's with each other, too, and I'm eager to meet Brock and Sylvia as I'm a big fan of their work. We're going to talk about writing novels and writing stories, since all five of us do a little of both. Then, well, then we're going to talk about penis size. I haven't informed the panelists of this. I figured, you know, I'd just whip that out on stage. 

Sunday, 2:30pm

Dodd 147

PANEL     2014
2:30 PM
Mystery: Crime With An Edge
   Moderator   Mr. Tod Goldberg
   Mr. Christopher Goffard
   Mr. Rob Roberge
   Mr. Mark Haskell Smith

Here's the thing: The last time I did a panel with Mark & Rob, we were joined by a writer none of us were familiar with. During the course of the panel, a question was raised in the audience about things you should avoid when writing and Rob responded -- rightly, I might add -- "Cat mysteries." This got me, Rob and Mark ranting, at some length, about how fucking stupid cat mysteries are, about how the people who write cat mysteries must be absolute morons, how the people who read cat mysteries must also (and I think it was Rob who said this...) have sex with their cats because that's the next natural progression, and then Mark added that cats, generally, are considered anti-God and the reason for the moral degradation of western civilization, and I followed it up with some startling statistics related to the number of cat mysteries people read being frighteningly close to the number of sexual partners they've had who dress like the San Diego Chicken for pleasure and, well, then it really started heading south. All the while, however, the other author on the panel stayed pretty mum, apart from shifting around in her seat and, oddly, persistently licking her hands. After the panel, Rob and I walked over to a bookstore and, just for the hell of it, decided to see who the hell that other person on the panel was. Turns out she wrote books about a woman who solves crimes with the help of her cat. I don't remember the name of her first novel, but I think it was something like In The Catnip of Time.

So.

Yeah.

I'm happy to report that though I've never met Christopher Goffard, I have read his book Snitch Jacket and I'm happy to report no cats solve crimes in it.

Signings follow both of these events and, as usual, get your tickets early this weekend because they will sell out. For those of you who just want to see me in the hot flesh, I'll also be signing books at the Mystery Bookstore booth (#411) on Sunday at 11am with my brother Lee (they'll have all of my books, as well as Las Vegas Noir), and I intend to sign some copies of Las Vegas Noir in the Akashic booth as well, so if you're looking for that release, I've been assured it will be in stock.  Also at 11am on Sunday, in the Borders booth, my sisters Linda Woods & Karen Dinino will be signing their latest book, Journal Revolution. 

There are a bunch of other great panels -- after the jump, are a few I'll be attending, think you should attend, or just have, you know, opinions about. The full list is here. Tickets are available this weekend. [Oh, and I have an early transcript from Silverblatt interviewing Walter Mosely below, too...]

Saturday:

Dodd 147

PANEL     1014
2:30 PM
Women of Slipstream
   Moderator   Mr. Rob Spillman
   Ms. Aimee Bender
   Ms. Sarah Shun-lien Bynum
   Ms. Kelly Link
   Ms. Miranda Mellis

Any chance you get to see Aimee on a panel is a good time, particularly since she tends to attract young women in strappy dresses who sort of gaze at her like they are drunk on estrogen and PJ Harvey albums from the 90s. So good times. Plus, Kelly Link is one of the most exciting new voices in fiction, so this promises to be cool.

PANEL     1015
4:00 PM
Mystery: Cruel & Unusual
   Moderator   Ms. Donna Rifkind
   Mr. Dan Fesperman
   Mr. Eli Gottlieb
   Mr. Christopher Rice
   Mr. Stuart Woods

I did a panel with Stuard Woods a couple years ago and he has some strange fans. I mean that in the best possible way, in that they seem, you know, insane. At least the ones who ask questions. Christopher Rice is always entertaining and funny and it looks like there are a lot of Jews on this panel, too. I'm all in favor of a lot of Jews.

Rolfe 1200

PANEL     1021
10:30 AM
Literature & Technology: Breaking the Mold
   Moderator   Mr. David Kipen    Ms. Shelley Jackson
   Mr. James Marcus
   Mr. Lee Siegel

I imagine this will be a clusterfuck of unimaginable propoortions. I can't wait!



PANEL     1024
3:00 PM
West Coast Publishing: Rethinking the Model
   Moderator   Mr. David L. Ulin
   Mr. Eli Horowitz
   Ms. Elaine Katzenberger
   Ms. Lee Montgomery
   Mr. Charlie Winton

A murderers row of West Coast literary minds -- it will be interesting to hear their thoughts.

Schoenberg Hall

PANEL     1031
10:00 AM
Robert Crais & T. Jefferson Parker in Conversation
   Mr. Robert Crais
   Mr. T. Jefferson Parker

Ah, so I have Robert Crais to blame for breaking up my date with Jeff Parker. Well, on the upside, Robert Crais is very attractive and probably won't call anyone in the audience a fucktard if they ask, "How do you get an agent?"

PANEL     1033
1:00 PM
Maxine Hong Kingston in Conversation with David L. Ulin
   Interviewer   Mr. David L. Ulin
   Ms. Maxine Hong Kingston

A fantastic opportunity to hear from one of the most treasured voices in fiction.

PANEL     1034
2:30 PM
Joseph Wambaugh in Conversation with Michael Connelly
   Interviewer   Mr. Michael Connelly
   Mr. Joseph Wambaugh

This will be awesome. Wambaugh is a terrific interview and Connelly, a former crime reporter and a fan of Wambaugh's, will certainly have the right questions at the ready.

PANEL     1035
4:00 PM
Mary Higgins Clark & Carol Higgins Clark in Conversation with Fran Halpern
   Interviewer   Ms. Fran Halpern
   Ms. Mary Higgins Clark
   Ms. Carol Higgins Clark

I always wonder: Who the fuck reads Mary Higgins Clark? I suppose I could sit in the audience and find out, but I'll probably be hitting the churro stand pretty hard right about then.

Royce Hall

PANEL     1051
10:30 AM
Tommy Lasorda in Conversation with Bill Plaschke
   Interviewer   Mr. Bill Plaschke
   Mr. Tommy Lasorda

Fuck the Dodgers. Fuck Tommy Lasords for pulling Gibson's gimp ass onto the field to face Eck. Fuck em to death!

PANEL     1054
4:30 PM
Ray Bradbury with an Introduction from Sid Stebel
   Introducer   Mr. Sid Stebel
   Mr. Ray Bradbury

I know I say it every year -- and I think every year Pinky leaves a comment that it's really not worth it -- but if you have the chance to see Ray Bradbury talk and you've never seen him before, you should go.

PANEL     1095
4:00 PM
First Fiction: New Voices
   Moderator   Ms. Carolyn Kellogg
   Ms. Antonia Arslan
   Ms. Rebecca Curtis
   Ms. Pamela Erens
   Ms. Ellen Litman

Speaking of Pinky, she's all growns up now and hosting her panel. Next up: TRL

Moore 100

PANEL     1101
10:00 AM
Nonfiction From the Streets
   Moderator   Ms. Jill Leovy
   Mr. Miles Corwin
   Ms. Celeste Fremon
   Mr. Dashaun Morris

Unfortunately, this panel is at the same time as my own so none of you will be able to go, but should you not get a seat, rush on over to see my pal Celeste in action.

PANEL     1102
11:30 AM
Fiction: Grace Under Pressure
   Moderator   Ms. Barbara Isenberg
   Mr. Bruce Bauman
   Ms. Gina Nahai
   Mr. Andrew O'Hagan
   Mr. Arthur Phillips

A great line-up of fiction writers that aren't to be missed.

PANEL     1103
1:00 PM
Reinventing Hollywood: The 1960's and Beyond
   Moderator   Mr. Leonard Maltin
   Mr. Peter Biskind
   Mr. Mark Harris
   Mr. Kenneth Turan

I get a little charge everytime I see Leonard Maltin. I mean, dude was on Entertainment Tonight back when that was must see TV. He told me "Hard to Hold" was not worth my money. He was right. Alas.

PANEL     1104
2:30 PM
Harlan Coben & Denise Hamilton in Conversation
   Mr. Harlan Coben    Ms. Denise Hamilton

Aha! Denise has ditched me for the dulcet tones of Harlan Coben.

PANEL     1105
4:00 PM
Immigration Beyond the Border
   Moderator   Mr. Marcos McPeek Villatoro
   Mr. Gustavo Arellano
   Ms. Ana Castillo
   Mr. Juan Felipe Herrera

Should be a good discussion here between these disparate voices.

Ackerman Grand Ballroom

PANEL     1124
4:00 PM
Dr. Laura Schelssinger with an Introduction from Amy Alkon
   Introducer   Ms. Amy Alkon
   Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Sweet christ. Is she even really a doctor?

Korn Hall

PANEL     1074
2:30 PM
Fiction: Not So Ordinary People
   Moderator   Ms. Laila Lalami
   Mr. Tony Earley
   Mr. Dinaw Mengestu
   Mr. Stewart O'Nan
   Ms. Ann Packer

I can't tell you how much I love Tony Earley. I intend to sit in the audience and pray that he notices me. His story "The Prophet from Jupiter" is one of the works of fiction that I look at over and over again and wonder: How did he do that? Of course, you also don't want to miss Laila Lalami, who is a wonderful writer and sweet human being and wonderfully smart and insightful, so this should be very entertaining.

Fowler Museum Lenart Auditorium

PANEL     1061
10:30 AM
Fiction: Urban Renewal
   Moderator   Mr. Scott Timberg
   Mr. Charles Bock
   Ms. Janet Fitch
   Mr. Richard Price
   Mr. Scott Simon

A powerhouse line up, for sure. It's unfortunately at the same time as my panel, so none of you can go, but if you're looking for me afterward, I'll be the guy clamoring for Richard Price's autograph.

PANEL     1062
12:00 PM
L.A. Fiction: City of Neighborhoods
   Moderator   Mr. Richard Rayner
   Mr. Paul Beatty
   Mr. Seth Greenland
   Mr. Richard Lange
   Ms. Diana Wagman

Another powerhouse. Richard Lange's Dead Boys was one of my favorite books of 2007, Seth Greeland is a genius, Diana Wagman is amazing and, well, I don't know Paul Beatty, but I'm sure homeboy rocks the mic like a vandal, as Vanilla Ice once so ardently noted.

PANEL     1063
1:30 PM
Memoir: Spirit & Substance
   Moderator   Ms. Karen Stabiner
   Mr. Andrew Bridge
   Ms. Samantha Dunn
   Ms. Patricia Hampl
   Ms. Heather King

A great collection of nonfiction voices -- Sam Dunn especially.

PANEL     1064
3:00 PM
California: The Great Experiment
   Moderator   Mr. Kevin Roderick
   Mr. William Deverell
   Mr. Matthew Jaffe
   Mr. D.J. Waldie

I could listen to DJ Waldie talk all day and Kevin Roderick is the perfect moderator for this group.

Humanities A51

PANEL     1113
1:30 PM
The Poet's Voice
   Moderator   Ms. Eloise Klein Healy
   Mr. Mark Doty
   Ms. Amy Gerstler
   Mr. Albert Goldbarth

I'm hoping there isn't a lot of poet voice on this one, but you never can tell. And...the words...were...like....a vine upon my...life...blood...of Christ...the saviour...of cheese...Poets who read in poet voice tend to talk in poet voice and it makes me want to commit cimes.

PANEL     1114
3:00 PM
Reading Manga: A Japanese Phenomenon Comes to America
   Moderator   Mr. Charles Solomon
   Ms. Liza Coppola
   Ms. Lillian M. Diaz Przybyl
   Mr. Frederik Schodt

There will be people wearing capes in the audience. Mark you my words.

Sunday:

Dodd 147

PANEL     2012
11:30 AM
Mystery: The Murder Book
   Moderator   Mr. Dick Lochte
   Mr. Stephen J. Cannell
   Mr. Charlie Huston
   Mr. Andrew Klavan

Any panel Cannell is on is a good time -- he has a million stories and tremendous insight into the art of storytelling -- and if you're not reading Charlie Huston, you're missing some top notch noir.

Rolfe 1200

PANEL     2021
10:30 AM
On Page & Screen
   Moderator   Mr. Ron Hogan
   Mr. Tom Epperson
   Mr. Mark Frost
   Mr. Gary David Goldberg
   Mr. Chris Miller

My dad, Gary David Goldberg.

PANEL     2022
12:00 PM
Fiction From the Heart
   Moderator   Ms. Connie Martinson
   Ms. Jennifer Kaufman
   Ms. Leslie Lehr
   Ms. Karen Mack
   Ms. Laurie Viera Rigler

My friend Leslie Lehr's new book -- Wife Goes On -- is out now and she's joined by the women who wrote Literacy and Longing In LA (Jennifer & Karen) and...a person I've never heard of but who I'm sure is fucking awesome.

PANEL     2024
3:00 PM
Fiction: Straight Talk
   Moderator   Ms. Sara Nelson
   Ms. Lisa Fugard
   Mr. Dagoberto Gilb
   Mr. Adam Langer
   Ms. Marisa Silver

Marisa Silver's new novel takes place at the Salton Sea, which means i already love it, and Adam Langer is one of my current favorites, too.

Schoenberg Hall

PANEL     2033
1:00 PM
TC Boyle with an Introduction from Michelle Huneven
   Introducer   Ms. Michelle Huneven
   Mr. T.C. Boyle

TC Boyle for the love of god.

PANEL     2034
2:30 PM
Fiction: Serious Prose
   Moderator   Ms. Susan Salter Reynolds
   Mr. Ron Carlson
   Ms. Jane Smiley
   Mr. Tobias Wolff

Ron Carlson! Tobias Wolff! Jane Smiley! Sweet Christ, there isn't going to be a soul at my panel. I might not go.

Royce Hall

PANEL     2051
10:30 AM
The Lyrical Line: Conversation & Music with Aimee Mann & Joe Henry
   Interviewer   Mr. Steve Almond
   Mr. Joe Henry
   Ms. Aimee Mann

That Steve gets to interview Aimee Mann makes me jealous as only a man who grew up in the 80s can be. Hush, hush, keep it down, down...

Young Hall CS 24

PANEL     2082
12:00 PM
Surf Culture: Shooting the Tube
   Moderator   Mr. Antoine Wilson
   Mr. Steve Hawk
   Mr. Steven Kotler
   Mr. Kem Nunn
   Mr. David Rensin

Antoine is the perfect guy to lead this panel and I love Kem Nunn in a frighteningly passionate way.

Young Hall CS 50

PANEL     2091
10:00 AM
First Fiction: Starting Out
   Moderator   Ms. Bernadette Murphy
   Ms. Julie Buxbaum
   Ms. Rebecca Johnson
   Ms. Min Jin Lee
   Mr. Mark Sarvas

Julie was a student of mine and Mark is a friend of mine, so I'm hoping they don't, you know, start pulling each other's hair out and calling each other names. That would be awkward.

PANEL     2092
11:30 AM
Memoir: Hope & Challenges
   Moderator   Ms. Val Zavala
   Ms. Sara Davidson
   Mr. Mike Farrell
   Ms. Dinah Lenney
   Ms. Amy Silverstein
Another good memoir panel -- Dinah Lenney is a fantastic speaker and her memoir is a heartbreaker.

PANEL     2094
2:30 PM
Fiction: Finding Truth in Imagined Places
   Moderator   Mr. Nick Owchar
   Mr. Gary Amdahl
   Mr. Kevin Brockmeier
   Ms. Lauren Groff
   Mr. James Howard Kunstler

I fucking LOVE Kevin Brockmeier. That this panel is taking place at the same time as my own is endlessly upsetting. I also love Gary Amdahl, but he teaches one room down from me, so, you know, I figure I can molest him at my leisure.

Moore 100

PANEL     2102
11:30 AM
Carolyn & Lisa See in Conversation with Veronique de Turenne
   Interviewer   Ms. Veronique de Turenne
   Ms. Lisa See
   Ms. Carolyn See
A great chance to see two wonderful writers at once -- and, you know, be pissed off you weren't born a See.

PANEL     2104
2:30 PM
Nonfiction: Laughing Between the Lines
   Moderator   Ms. Erika Schickel
   Mr. Steve Almond
   Ms. Meghan Daum
   Ms. Stacey Grenrock Woods
   Mr. Marc Porter Zasada

I'll be there to see my friend Steve Almond in action -- which means he'll probably get into a fight with someone.

Ackerman Grand Ballroom

PANEL     2122
12:30 PM
Contentious Ground: The Middle East
   Moderator   Mr. Zachary Karabell
   Mr. Reza Aslan
   Mr. Chris Hedges
   Mr. Elias Khoury
   Ms. Amy Wilentz

I did a panel with Reza and Laila Lalami last month and I learned more listening to him talk about the Middle East than I have ever, ever, learned in a book. Really.

PANEL     2123
2:30 PM
Walter Mosley in Conversation with Michael Silverblatt
   Interviewer Mr. Michael Silverblatt
   Mr. Walter Mosley

I've been lucky enough to get an early transcript of this event.

Silverblatt: Walter, I am struck not by your use of the crime genre to represent society's larger social ills, but by how, in writing, and in writing I mean in writing words, you've found a way, not unlike AmWay, which, in a way, is like America, filled with not just hope, but desire, a desire to hope, to want, to need, and in it's own way, a multi-level marketing way, I am reminded of the words of Rilke who said, and of the Thompson Twins, who once said, Doctor, Doctor, can't you feel me burning, yearning, in a way not unlike society burns and years, to find a new path, to trailblaze, not like Lewis and Clark, but like their Indian guide Sacajawea, who, as we know, was the first oppressed Native American, and who reminds me, yet, of a Easy Rawlings. Yes?

Mosely: Someone get me my publicist! Get Kim Dower on the phone!

Korn Hall

PANEL     2073
1:00 PM
Fiction: Alternative Visions
   Moderator   Mr. David L. Ulin
   Mr. Steve Erickson
   Ms. Shelley Jackson
   Mr. Zachary Lazar
   Ms. Nina Revoyr

A great group of writers here.

Fowler Museum Lenart Auditorium

PANEL     2061
10:30 AM
Fiction: Unconventional Visions
   Moderator   Ms. Carolyn Kellogg
   Mr. Ben Ehrenreich
   Mr. Keith Gessen
   Ms. Lydia Millet
   Ms. Yannick Murphy

I can never remember if I'm supposed to hate Keith Gessen or not. I know people do, but then I can't remember why. I know I like Lydia Millet and Yannick Murphy and the afore mentioned Pinky, and i know that I've recovered from Ben Ehrenreich giving me a terrible review once (there's more than one person attending the book festival, incidentally, that I've given reviews to on either side of the critical fence...) because he was probably right. Anyway, this sounds like a good one.

PANEL     2062
12:00 PM
Fiction: The Magic in Everyday Life
   Moderator   Ms. Christine Smallwood
   Ms. Aimee Bender
   Mr. Alex Espinoza
   Ms. Alice Hoffman
   Ms. Yxta Maya Murray

My friends Aimee and Alex share the stage, which means I'll be throwing my underpants at them. It's just what friends do.

Humanities A51

PANEL     2112
12:00 PM
Poetry and Fiction: Writing in Two Genres
   Moderator   Mr. John Palattella
   Mr. Chris Abani
   Ms. Wanda Coleman
   Ms. Carol Muske-Dukes
   Mr. Luis J. Rodriguez

Chris Abani is an eloquent and dynamic speaker, so even if you're not interested in these writers, go to hear him speak.

PANEL     2114
3:00 PM
Graphic Novels: Every Picture Tells a Story
   Moderator   Ms. Deborah Vankin
   Ms. Cecil Castellucci
   Mr. Jaime Hernandez
   Mr. Joe Matt

Remember when I said people would be wearing capes at the manga panel? People will be carrying fucking swords into this one.

Comments

[Joshua Ellis]

Dude, Aimee Mann is good...but Joe Henry is a fucking genius of a songwriter. Maybe one of the best ever. And a pretty good prose writer too. Plus he had the good sense to marry Madonna's sister. GO SEE HIM TALK.

Also, nobody will be pulling out the swords for Jaime Hernandez. Black Jack gum, more like. I mean, he wrote LOVE & ROCKETS, not GROO THE WANDERER, for God's sake.

[Cap'n Bob]

Was that Rita Mae Brown, who (gag*choke) not only has a cat heroine but a cat co-author? Yep, Sneaky Pie Brown is on the cover of the books as a co-author. The skin crawls.

[Tanya]

I will be volunteering as an author escort again this year. I'll try to get one of your panels - maybe the one where you do the penis-whipping-out. :)

See you next weekend.

[Karen Dinino]

Is Gary David Goldberg Linda's dad, too?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you for the mention! To clarify for you, I have PhD. in Physiology (medical science) from Columbia University in New York (which takes everyone an average of 6 years to earn) and a Post-Doctoral Certification in Marriage/Family/Child Therapy from USC and am licensed in the State of California as Marriage, Family and Child Therapist.
I'll be answering audience questions concerning the issues in my new book "Stop Whining Start Living" which is already 5 weeks on the NY Times Bestseller lists (entering at #2). Hope to see your readers at my presentation. Warmly, drl

[Carolyn]

I'm breaking with tradition: see Ray Bradbury. Don't expect much, but see him.

[linda woods]

I wonder if Aimee Mann will google herself and comment here. That would be fucking awesome.

[burl barer]

Bret is NOT bald under that bandanna..well, not 100%. That hair hanging down in the back is (a) all his, or (b) hair extensions made of real hair (as opposed to Polyester, the "mystery fabric" in his bandanna). He IS, however,bald on the top of his head which is why he wears that stupid thing that makes him appear as if he is Mr. Un-Clean wearing a weird hat of straw and polyester.
Feel sorry for him, Tod. He spent this entire season seeking his Rock of Love -- and finally settled on an older, semi-stable and tragically thin woman who eagerly agreed to "wild monkey sex" in the grand finale, the grand foyer, and for your future viewing pleasure, I assure you that this romance will FAIL!! If it lasts, Bret won't have a show next season! The only way he can be picked up is if he has to pick out a new pick up from the line-up of pop culture road kill. Personally, I wanted him to choose the desperate 85% polyester and body art babe with the inflated lips, technically augmented tits, recurring role ex-boyfriend and one hell of an ignominious past.
I hope to have Bret on my TRUE CRIME AND broadcast because the entire concept of his series borders on felonious -- yes, we have entered the age of thought crimes, and as I am known to say, "when thinking out loud is outlawed, only outlaws will think out loud."

[burl barer]

PS: As i am on the air Saturday, I will be at the LA Book Fair Sunday afternoon at the Mystery Writers of America booth where I will be attacked by a coven of Self-Printed Typists

[Jane]

Thank you for mentioning that terrible, blood sucking, soul crunching, always irritating device known as the "poetic voice". It makes me want to throw up on the poet's shows.

WTF happened to reading poetry like it's fucking poetry, and not like it's some urban fucking wanna-be rap song???

I fucking hate urban poetry jams for what they have done to poems the world over. It pisses me off!

And "Dr. Laura" pisses me off, but we won't go into the nude pics she has, or the failed relationships, or the total fucking hypocrisy of that icy bitch.

:-) Thank you for the rise in blood pressure. I am, I learned, still capable of feeling pain.

[s.]

DUDE! Do you think that was the for-real Dr. Laura, or, like, her assistant whose job it is to google her every day and see what mean things people are saying about her and then respond to them? And why didn't she respond to being a sweet piece of ass?

Another good thing to say near Dr. Phil to see if he notices is "I had a vasectomy... and then I had it reversed." (You have to say it in his weird voice, though) - apparently he said it on one of his shows, and now in my family we have to say in whenever we see Dr. Phil anywhere.

[James Marcus]

Did you mean clusterfuck in the good or bad sense?