Letters To Parade: Bill "Rapster 'Rights" O'Reilly, Friend To Your Children

I don't have any children, though I do believe they are our future and that if you treat them well and let them lead the way that, eventually, Whitney and Bobby might get back together. Apart from that thought, my general feeling is that children seem like a nice thing after they turn about 25 or so and that if there comes a time when Wendy and I might be able to adopt an adorable 25 year old scamp -- maybe one who is doing his medical residency, or is a first year lawyer, or, you know, plays first base for the Oakland A's -- well, I think we'd jump on that opportunity. It's all those other years prior to 25 that seem so arduous. The cleaning up of vomit and shit. The long process of challenging their textbooks and figuring out ways to get offensive literature away from other parents' kids. Paying for out of state education so they wouldn't have liberal professors in hippie California. All that feels very tiring.

Unless, of course, I could just hand my new born a single book which would outline all of my beliefs in concise spin-free talk. Fortunately my go-to periodical for everything from celebrity gossip to terrorism to essays by common sub-literate Americans, Parade, has found just the book for me:

PARADE Contributing Editor Bill O’Reilly has built a career on bold, provocative journalism. Now, in Kids Are Americans Too (William Morrow; $25), he's using that no-nonsense approach to appeal to the nation’s youth about their rights. Citing real-world court cases and news stories, O’Reilly and co-author Charles Flowers explore everything from privacy rights to school dress codes. Quizzes and musical interludes from “Rapster ‘Rights’ O’Reilly” keep things fun and kid-friendly.

The amount of abject fucktardery in this single paragraph is positively mind numbing, but what the hell, I like having a numb mind.

1. "Bill O’Reilly has built a career on bold, provocative journalism." There's no denying that Bill O'Reilly has a career. Or that he's bold. Or even that he's provocative. I mean, hate him all you want, that fucktard is bold and provocative and has a job. That job, however, is not journalism. I'm not sure what you'd call what he does. Maybe the proper sentence would read. "Bill O'Reilly has built a career on bold, provocative banshee-like wailing at homosexuals."

2. "Now, in Kids Are Americans Too (William Morrow; $25), he's using that no-nonsense approach to appeal to the nation’s youth about their rights." By "no-nonsense" the good folks at Parade must mean "a narrative voice that would only be appealing to a child with a brain injury." Don't believe me? Here's a bit from the first chapter of Bill's book:

Being a good American starts with knowing your rights . . . and respecting the rights of others. And by doing the right thing when many other kids are not.

First off, your rights were not delivered by God to Moses on Mount Sinai.

That was the Ten Commandments, okay? (Hope you've heard of them.)

No, the rights you enjoy today were crafted by human hands and human minds.

Ah, yes, only a supernatural intelligence could have come up with "You shall not murder" and "You shall not steal." [This, by the way, is one of the reasons I find religion so dubious: How frightening is it that the most powerful being comes up with 10 rules and they are this fucking common? I'm constantly surprised to learn that "Life is like a box of chocolates" wasn't edited out of the Old Testament, because God comes off as one seriously Gump-ass motherfucker.] But anyway, this is the no-nonsense voice he's famous for? I do like that whole "respect the rights of others" bit. I understand he cut out "except homos" because he didn't want to subtextually help the gay agenda.

3. "Citing real-world court cases and news stories..." This is important, because it's always disorienting when people cite fake world court cases and new stories...like, you know, Parade.

4. "Quizzes and musical interludes from “Rapster ‘Rights’ O’Reilly” keep things fun and kid-friendly." I can't imagine anything more frightening for a young child than rap music -- while I was taught that life ain't nuthin but bitchez and money, I don't think it's appropriate that kids today should learn that, too; I advocate: Who the fuck you think you fuckin' with, I'm the fuckin' boss/Seven forty-five, white on white that's fuckin' Ross/I cut 'em wide, I cut 'em long, I cut 'em fat (What)/I keep 'em comin' back (What), we keep 'em comin' back
I'm in the distribution, I'm like Atlantic/I got them motherfuckers flyin' 'cross the Atlantic/I know Pablo, Noriega, the real Noriega/He owe me a hundred favors, but that's just me -- so I find the idea that at some point in this book Bill O'Reilly raps to be honestly chilling. I imagine his rhyme skillz would probably break down thusly:

I put a falafel in your ass for the Bill of Rights

I put Al Gore on blast and do him like bum fights

Rosie O'Donnell, I got something for that ass, yo

Ann Coulter up in that shit like an Aryan dildo

Keeping it real with the WMDs and the muthafuckin Patriot Act

Christian values means only a man and a woman in the marriage sack

This is a no spin zone, you liberal bitchez better recognize

Obama is a terrorist name and Hillary Clinton lies.

5. Apart from the rapping, just looking at the sample chapter on Bill's website makes me think Lori Drew, the Rhode Island mother now in charge of your child's reading, would have some real issues with what's being said. Namely:

Believe me, while they were Founding, the Fathers included brilliant thinkers, pains in the butt, more than one certifiable drunk, heroes who stood against the majority on principle, athletes (some of whom were skilled at chasing skirts), and speakers who could make the walls shake. In other words, this collection of true patriots (yes, I mean that term) was very, very human.

I can't imagine Lori, or any of you, would want your children to ask you what a drunk is, why standing against something on principle is heroic or what, exactly, a skirt chaser is, particularly when it concerns athletes, the connotation being, as far as I can tell, that the women were chased down from behind, which probably led to, well, sex. Out of marriage. Good lord, Bill, what are you teaching these kids?

Comments

[burl barer]

For a brilliant, bold and provocative educator, I'm drop jawed at your statement,"How frightening is it that the most powerful being comes up with 10 rules and they are this fucking common?"
How frightening is it that an educator would look at a first grade textbook and lament that it contains such "common knowledge" as the alphabet, and 1+1 =2.
Your astonishing insight into the progressive nature of education is enough to get you drop kicked from the hallowed halls of whatever university had the balls to anoint a C student from Norhridge with authentic credentials based on something as non-academic as TALENT and PROVEN ABILITY.

Your late beloved Nana used to tell the story of my first day in 2nd Grade. I came home all excited. "Mom," I said with effusive enthusiasm, "my second grade teacher knows things my first grade teacher didn't know!"
In truth, my first grade teacher knew all that stuff, I just wasn't ready for it. I needed first things first -- I needed to learn things that later would be "common knowledge." Even my 2nd grade education would, by High School, seem simplistic.
The Ten Commandments, and prior to those, the Seven Laws of Noah, were not "common knowledge" at the time, neither were the social courtesy rules found in the Qu'ran, such as not entering someone's house without knocking first -- no more of this crawling in through the window unannounced.
So, Tod, it isn't frightening that thousands of years ago, in a social setting far far removed from anything resembling Starbucks or Barnes and Noble, folks needed a foundation of basics -- things that would, hopefully, become "common knowledge" and a guidance for decent behavior. As one Holy Book says (God allegedly speaking): "All that I have revealed unto thee...hath been in accordance with thy capacity and understanding..."
That's my rant for today..now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Love
Uncle Burl