It's been a while since I've had a really strong bit of hate mail to contend with. Oh, sure, I get the usual stuff every now and then, but most of the people tend not to engage me in protracted conversations, happy to call me an asshole and then not respond to my letter in return. But this week, I found a winner.
The other day, in announcing the winner of my contest, I noted that the winning entry concerned a sexual encounter with Davy Jones and posted the picture noted at right. I 
referred to Davy as "an old, crusty, pissed off elf with a major league mullet" and then made a joke about Peter Tork, because that's required by state law. A few hours later, the following email arrived:
----- Original Message -----From: pamalu2@aol.comTo: todbg@msn.comSent: Sunday, October 14, 2007 11:01 PMSubject: Why would you call him...a crusty old elf?? How rude!!
It all seemed obvious enough to me, but I thought perhaps pamalu2 had a problem with reading comprehension, so I responded:
-----Original Message-----
From: Tod Goldberg <todbg@msn.com>
To: pamalu2@aol.com
Sent: Sun, 14 Oct 2007 11:07 pm
Subject: Re: Why would you call him...Well, because Davy Jones looks like a character from Lord Of the Rings, he's old, and that picture makes him look like he has something crusty going on. Hence: a crusty old elf. Simple math.
I figured that would solve whatever lingering problems pamalu2 had. Alas:
----- Original Message -----From: pamalu2@aol.comTo: todbg@msn.comSent: Monday, October 15, 2007 7:08 AMSubject: Re: Why would you call him...Simple RUDENESS, I'd say.
Well, now I was concerned. This was nothing like my simple RUDENESS, which, as you all know, is far more rude. Concerned that perhaps my writing skills had suddenly eluded me -- though pleased to know pamalu2 was keeping track -- I responded:
-----Original Message-----
From: Tod Goldberg <todbg@msn.com>
To: pamalu2@aol.com
Sent: Mon, 15 Oct 2007 11:36 am
Subject: Re: Why would you call him...Apparently you aren't familiar with my normal rudeness. This was very tame comparatively. But of course I do appreciate you letting me know and I look forward to getting more of your opinions and hope your job as the Internet police continues to be as gratifying as it seems.
Now, I'll admit, this was more snarky than I usually am. But it was early -- 11:36am is early around the Goldberg home -- and I just saw that my Fantasy Football team was poised to lose for the second week in a row. So it was my own anger, my own issues that fueled my response. Pamalu2, well, she (he?) got the brunt of it. Undeterred, Pamalu2 fired off a response her (his?) own:
----- Original Message -----From: pamalu2@aol.comTo: todbg@msn.comSent: Tuesday, October 16, 2007 12:44 AMSubject: Re: Why would you call him...Sad, when some people just don't get the point....
I agree. It is sad when people don't get the point. Didn't pamalu2 realize by this point what a fucktard she was? But then I got to thinking: maybe pamalu2 is an elf and Davy Jones is some sort of God to the elvish. Maybe pamalu2 had eczema and was touchy about people being called crusty. Maybe pamalu2 was older than Davy Jones and was touchy about people younger than her (him?) being called old. Maybe pamalu2 had a mullet. Ever the teacher, I wrote again to seek answers and provide clarity:
-----Original Message-----
From: Tod Goldberg <todbg@msn.com>
To: pamalu2@aol.com
Sent: Tuesday, 17 Oct 2007 12:53 PM
Subject: Re: Why would you call him...But see that's the very thing -- what is your point?Let's look at the evidence, shall we?Davy Jones is 4'11. Which makes him small. As a writer, part of my job is to draw clear analogies so that my readers can make informed decisions. Since many of my readers are young and don't know who Davy Jones is, calling him an "elf" lets them know he's small. It also helps concerning the mystical quality of his mullet.In the photo, Davy's skin looks to have the consistency of sand paper and that he's blowing imaginary kisses is down right frightening. The word "crusty" in this context informs the reader of just what my feelings are about this.Davy Jones is 61. The median age of our population is 35, which makes Davy Jones...old.Now, of course, your point may be something else entirely. That I'm mean for talking out of turn about Davy Jones. That I shouldn't say things that upset you when you're trolling through the internet for information on Davy Jones. That the world has turned to crap and traditional values as they relate to old, crusty members of The Monkees would help pull this nation out of its doldrums. Or, maybe, it's none of those things. Maybe it's just gas. Anyway, I appreciate this dialog and I feel better both as a man and as a daydream believer.
I eagerly await pamalu2's response...
Effing funny, Tod. I have my own pamalu - a right-wing nut case who's been stalking me, demanding an apology for daring to publish (anonymously!) the inane comments in one of her emails. She threatened to sue me -- for slander against her screen name.
Is there a cure for fucktardedness? Some sort of protection the non-fucktards can wear to prevent becoming this peculiar social disease?
I hope you will be able to get Pamalu to see her own fucktardedness, but if not I hope you get more good material.
Posted by: Jane | October 16, 2007 at 04:10 PM
Who let Davy Jones out of his locker?
Posted by: Richard Cooper | October 16, 2007 at 11:59 PM
Far be it from me to defend the non-elvishness and non-crustiness of Davy Jones. And I certainly can't do much to pull Pamalu2 back from the yawning abyss of fucktardery.
But, Tod, don't you think it's just a little impolite, baiting even, to consistently mispell Pamalu2 as "Pamalou2". Too.
Some problems you don't need to bring upon yourself, is all I'm saying.
Posted by: Ed | October 17, 2007 at 04:13 AM
This will end well.
Posted by: J.D. Rhoades | October 17, 2007 at 04:13 AM
Ah, Ed, it was a Freudian typo -- thanks for pointing it out.
Posted by: tod goldberg | October 17, 2007 at 10:02 AM