Letters To Parade: From The People Who Brought You The Resurrection Of Barbaro...

Lee Kravitz

Editor

Parade Magazine

711 Third Ave

New York, NY 10017

Dear Lee,

I didn't expect that I'd have to write to you so soon, but here we are, boats against the current and all that. I'm writing to you today because I feel your pain. I'm writing to you today because I understand. I'm writing to you today because expecting anything more out of you, your employees or your magazine would be sheer madness. What is it they say about the definition of madness? That repeating the same action over and over again and expecting a different outcome each time is the first and sheerest sign? Each Sunday, I open Parade and I expect, well, better. I guess that makes me insane.

But I think it also makes you, Lee, a little on the whack job side of things as well. You see, if one of your columnists has a certain propensity towards making shit up, or falsely assuming, or resurrecting the dead, wouldn't you maybe take a stroll down the hallway, knock on his door and say, "Ed, we need to talk. You're a fucking idiot. You embarrass me on a weekly basis. Our editorial lead time is four fucking weeks, Ed, so, with that in mind, could you maybe not make up and then answer questions about people or animals who are likely to die or fuck up in momentous ways if history has shown they are near death or monumental fuck ups?"

It was only a few months ago that your trusty columnist Edward Klein -- better known as Walter Scott to people who wear helmets when they leave the house for their own personal safety -- resurrected Barbaro from the dead, after all. And then there was the time he pronounced Osama Bin Laden dead. And then there was that time, at band camp, where he said it was his first time, and we all knew that was a lie, too. So it would reason, Lee, that maybe when this week's edition of Personality Parade rolled across your desk prior to publication that a red flag might have been raised when this question from N.B. from Washington, DC popped up:

In June, Lindsay Lohan signed on for extended care at Promises, a luxury rehab center in Malibu. Isn't that really just an extended vacation?

You're a smart man, Lee. You run a very successful magazine. If you called me and asked me to write Mitch Albomian puff pieces on amputees or singers or just really fantastic Americans, why, I'd do it simply to help you out. (And, well, to find out who it is who visits here first thing Monday morning from your offices...I'm guessing it's Misty Kurpier) So when you saw this question, one would think you'd walk into Ed's office and you'd say, "I need you to either cut this or change your answer, because there's no fucking way Lindsay Lohan is clean. Every photo of her I see, she looks strung out. For the love of Christ, she's even in a terrible fucking movie coming up where she plays not one but two different amputees and not even the kind we ask that Tuesdays With The People You Meet In Heaven guy to write about! That bitch is on drugs, Ed! Make sure you do not say anything that might bite me in the ass in a month. Just say yes. Okay? Is that clear?"

But, well, it looks like you didn't choose to do that. And Jesus wept, Lee. Jesus wept. And then you let Ed Klein clown your publication...again:

No. Lohan, 21—who abused alcohol, pills and cocaine—seems committed to finally getting clean. “The longer people stay, the better their chances,” says Promises founder Richard Rogg. “This is a very serious 12-step program. No one should be penalized for choosing to do the hard work of recovery in a luxurious setting.” Do you think celebs get the help they need in rehab? Tell us at Parade.com

I'd like to know what made Ed think Lindsay was committed to getting clean. Was it all the shots of her at bars and clubs? Was it that alcohol anklet? (Which didn't monitor drug consumption, just alcohol.) What made her seem committed? Now, Lee, I think we can both agree that things seem like other things all the time. But expecting a different result from the same set of circumstances, well, that just makes someone sound crazy. Of course, we now know that Ms. Lohan found herself in a drug and alcohol induced car chase this week, which would seem to indicate that maybe she wasn't as committed as she seemed. (Of course, it also makes Richard Rogg sound like a fucktard, too, but he'll get his own letter.)

Of course, this went to press four months ago, which was the same excuse you had after Barbaro was found to be living and happy in your pages long after he'd found that great pasture in the sky. Or the glue factory. Whatever. After he expired. You'd think that experience would have provided you with some prescience, but, alas, you were left to leave the following comment on your website:

Editor’s Note: Less than two weeks after leaving rehab--and after we went to press with the July 29 edition of “Personality Parade”--Lindsay Lohan was arrested for drunken driving and cocaine possession. Like many in Hollywood and elsewhere, we believed that Lindsay was taking her rehab seriously.  This latest incident is an example of how difficult substance abuse can be.

Now, Lee, really. C'mon. Now you're just making shit up, too. No one in Hollywood believed she was taking her rehab seriously. No one. Not a soul. And if by "elsewhere" you mean "in the offices of Parade after we saw the news reports and realized we now looked like fucktards," then, yes, elsewhere people believed she was taking her rehab seriously. But in the rest of the known world -- and by known world, I mean the world that isn't housed in the offices of Parade -- no one was sold. Here's what you should have put on your website:

Editor's Note: Yo, we fucked up. We shouldn't have made up a question about Lindsay Lohan's sobriety and then we shouldn't have answered it in such a way that we'd later look like fucktards. Being a magazine editor ain't all cocaine and bitches, you know, and sometimes I end up just fucking the pooch. This is one of those times. Please enjoy the nude photos of Marilyn Vos Savant we've posted as our apology. Kravitz out.

Lee, I think we can both agree that it's time to reevaluate, assign blame and then find new employment. Let me know if I can help.

Sincerely,

Tod

Comments

[Bob Sassone]

Heh, I saw this in Parade and said to myself, "oh, Tod's going to be all over this."

[Emil Jung]

And now, in the beginning of 2008, and since this horrid article has been published, airhead Lindsay Lohan has already puked, sped, and oral sexed some guy - all that while snorting more lines and loosing her cloting. A great and wonderful testimony to the skillful journalism of fucktard Parade.