Wow, Lee Really IS Hated. Cool.

I noticed a bunch of hits here from a site I wasn't familiar with called Fandom Wank and discovered, much to my absolute glee, that my assumption that people actively hate Lee is an etched-in-granite truth. I spent a few minutes reading through their posts (having to do with the Lee vs. Cathy Young sword fight last week...and when I speak of sword fight, I mean it in the porn terminology) and have to admit three things:

1. Their hatred of Lee is pure. There's not much wavering here. There's very little "Yeah, but I did enjoy that episode of Seaquest he wrote where the dolphin provided a ton of sentient advice on world issues and the tuna industry." They basically want him to die.

2. They think I'm somewhat cooler, which is what people have been saying since January 10, 1971, when I popped out of my mother wearing a velour pantsuit (which, in 1971, was very cool) and smoking cloves (I've always assumed smoking cloves was cool, if only because the Goth kids I thought were cool after I'd stopped being Goth due to the heat of the desert and my desire to have sex with women who didn't look like the keyboard player from The Cure [who was a man], always smoked cloves).

3. They are fucking hysterical. I mean this. I laughed my ass off reading about their hatred of Lee, their dubious thoughts on me (they are particularly upset with my poor grammar and word choice and misogyny, which is basically what Wendy is upset with me about on a fairly regular basis, but someone liked "Simplify" which thrilled me, as that is, and always has been, my favorite story)  and then their rants on other topics happening in and around fandom. I spent about thirty minutes reading this website and I about pissed myself. I've actually bookmarked it.

So, having read this, I thought it might be helpful if I made it easier for these folks to delineate their hate of Lee from their possible like of me. With that in mind, here are ten awful things about Lee that should help swing all the "we think Tod is decent" posters into the "we think Tod is the king of rock, there is none higher" camp.

1. Lee was paid to write dialog for Arsenio Hall.

2. When I was a child, Lee routinely made me smell his armpits, which, let me tell you, had the power of Nagasaki and the matted hair of Bob Marley's slowly rotting corpse.

3. In a decidedly fanish turn, Lee's 18th birthday was M*A*S*H themed. I was forced to stay in my bedroom the entire time listening to the Grease soundtrack and slowly masturbating to that line in Greased Lightening about "getting tit" and photos of Stockard Channing.  As I was 9, this was a real slow process.

4. Once, Lee drove off from a rest stop outside of Harris Ranch on the 5 without waiting for me to get out of the bathroom. He did come back, eventually, but not until I'd hitchhiked hundreds of miles, was turned into a lot lizard by my drug addict mother and, eventually, wrote it all out in my novel Sarah.

5. He made my sister Linda and I sell his book at a Starlog convention while he went and schmoozed with the cast of V.

6. He once beat me with a chair and told me to behave like the good little bitch I am. Okay, that's not true. But he did once tickle me until I peed.

7. Once, when I was a frat boy, my frat brothers mistook him for my father, which was only possible because of his propensity to wear v-neck sweaters and chinos.

8. When Dave Navarro guest starred on Martial Law, he didn't fucking call me ahead of time.

9. Same episode. Rick Springfield. RICK SPRINGFIELD! No call.

10. His battles with fan fiction writers are so absolutely absurd that I get sucked in just to say funny and mildly offensive things to cover for my own deep psychological need to be loved and admired and valued for my ability to say things that end with comments about 16-sided dice, capes and "I have a genetic responsibility to do this, so..."

Update: I asked the folks at Fandom Wank to write a little something involving me, Carmen Elektra, Dave Navarro and a Dagget from the original BSG...and the people, they have responded. The first slice of me with the aforementioned appears courtesy of one Cleolinda. The second from Ebbrowning. Both are after the jump and both are as hot as sex with a divorced couple and a midget in a crusty old Dagget suit always can be.

Update to the update: Another exceptionally hot -- possibly criminal-in-developing-third-world-nations and countries where Pandas are protected -- story involving all of the above noted people/animatronic characters has been posted by puipui and is below, too. Maybe grab some lotion and an oven mitt, people.

1000 Prolix Polar Bears

Tod paced skinnily back and forth. Amethyst dread filled his heart. Dave Navarro should have been home at least an hour ago and it wasn't like him to be late. Oh, my naughty love, Tod thought. Where could you be?

Just then, the phone rang. It was the police. Dave Navarro had been taken hostage by Roseate Toenail, a supervillain who had the city in a state of tortuous terror. Tod fainted dead away, like a herd of elephants. Handsome elephants.

When he came to, there was a bump on his elbow and the amethyst dread had returned. "Dave Navarro, my bilious honey bunny," he cried out stickily. "What is Roseate Toenail doing to you?" Probably torturing him, laughing sweatily as he boggled him in the uvula.

In the midst of all the terror and tears, Tod remembered a story his grandmother had told him. If you fold 1000 prolix polar bears, then whatever you wish for will come true.

Tod ordered in a supply of prolixity and set to work, folding polar bears until his elbow was sore and he could hardly see. It took a week. He was just finishing up the very last polar bear when Dave Navarro walked in the front door.

"Dave Navarro!" Tod screamed and threw himself into Dave Navarro's arms. "It worked! I folded 1000 prolix polar bears and it brought you back to me." He was so happy, he felt like he was dancing on a natural high. He kissed Dave Navarro huskily on the nostril.

"Actually," Dave Navarro said, pulling away silkily, "I was rescued by the Crepuscular Dagget. He's a new superhero in town." Dave Navarro sighed. "And he's totally bodacious."

The amethyst dread came back. "But you're crunk to be back here with me, right?"

Dave Navarro checked his watch. "Sure. But I've got to go meet the Crepuscular Dagget for coffee now to, you know, say thanks for saving my life. Stay gold, Ponyboy." He left and the door banged behind him.

Tod choked back a sob and started folding another polar bear. Then he went out and got drunk instead.

OPENING CREDITS : SPREAD RADIO LIVE:

Sitting in a studio is Dave Navarro (applying fake tattoos to his calves), Carmen Electra (idly checking her hair for split ends), a small furry dog-robot and Tod Goldberg, who has recently visiting Barry Eisler’s plastic surgeon while working out until he has buns of plexiglass.

Dave Navarro:
Tonight we have in the studio, Tod Goldberg, who has lost a bet with his brother Lee and must now have simulated sex with an open-minded midget dressed as a Dagget while I laugh and Carmen captures it on video.

Carmon Electra:
Hey Tod.

Tod Goldberg:
Evening Dave. Hi Carmen. Hulloooo Dagget.

Dagget:
**MECHANICAL WHINING SOUND**

Dave Navarro:
Tod, before we get started, tell us a bit about why your brother is such a dick.

Carmon Electra:
Wait hun- we are gonna talk about me, right?

Dave Navarro:
Oh absolutely, cupcake… but later on in the show, m’kay?

Carmen Electra:
(purring) Mmmmmmme. I love talking about me.

Tod Goldberg:
**COUGHS**

Dagget:
**MECHANICAL RUDE NOISE**

Dave Navarrro:
Um… The bet!

Tod:
I wagered my brother that Lee couldn’t stick head up his own ass, but damn…

Carmen:
Like … ew! Really?

Dave:
Does he use lube?

Tod:
Just with his car.

Dagget:
**PURRING SOUND**

Dave:
Right – well get the camera, love. Dagget…just like we practiced.

Dagget:
(Obeys) ** WHINES**

Tod: (Breathing heavily)
OH! OH! Ooooooooooooooooooooooh! Oh… oh yeaaahhhhhhhhhh…
you are so my bitch…..

#3

Once upon a time, there was a handsome, shapely, virile young prince named Tod, who had been locked into a tower by his evil elder brother, the King (not Elvis), who hated fun.

Year upon year, poor Prince Tod sat in his tower, getting better and better looking, with nothing but a poster of Carmen Electra to keep him company. Now, granted, it was a very nice poster of Carmen Electra, and had gotten Prince Tod through many a lonely night, but the sexy young prince longed for more. He longed for company.

And then, one fateful day, the incredibly gorgeous Prince Tod heard strange outside his single tiny window; a strange thrumming sound, not unlike a guitar, floating up from the distant ground like a siren's song. Throwing aside his soggy poster, he ran to the window, pulled himself up onto the high windowsill using only his arms (he was, after all, quite fit) and cast his anxious gaze to the forest below, where he spied an extremely hot guitarist who was very hot.

"Oh, hot guitarist!" he cried. "Tell me, please, I beg of you, how is it that you can play your guitar like that when you have no amplifier?"

"Well," answered the hot guitarist suavely, "I am quite talented."

Prince Tod swooned.

"Oh, hot guitarist!" he implored. "Please tell me your name, so that I may know what to cry out at opportune moments with my poster!"

"I am Dave Navarro!" the hot guitarist announced. "And I am here to rescue you!"

And soon, after a very exciting tower rescue involving pirates, ninja, several deadly and poisonous tigers and a T-Rex, the handsome Prince Tod was united with his handsome rescuer, whereupon they were "united" if you know what I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more.

"But, hot guit... I mean, Dave Navarro!" asked Prince Tod afterwards, lounging back against the grass and still a bit breathless, "Why have you come to rescue me now, after all these years? And when I don't even know you?"

"Well...," said Dave Navarro, suddenly looking a bit shifty. "I... well, I have a bit of a confession to make. I'm... I'm not really Dave Navarro. I'm... oh, this is so hard!"

"Yes, it is," said Prince Tod, but he was a bit distracted at the time and may not have actually been listening to his very hot rescuer, who was, after all, extremely hot.

"No, that's not what I meant," said Dave Navarro. "I meant that this is hard to say."

"Oh," said Prince Tod, trying to reign in his disappointment. "But you can tell me, my love! You can tell me anything! I'll always love you, no matter what!"

"Oh, my darling, I can only hope that's true," said Dave Navarro. "For, you see... I'm a panda."

"A panda?" gasped Prince Tod. "But how can this be? You don't look like Christian Bale at all!"

"I know," said Panda Navarro-Bale. "But, indeed, I am. An evil witch has cast a spell upon me, to be broken only if someone can love me in spite of my not looking anything like Panda Bale. I thought someone trapped in a tower was probably my best bet." Panda Navarro-Bale's eyes held endless sadness. "It was either this or a dagget."

"Good choice," said Prince Tod.

"I thought so," said Panda Navarro-Bale. "But... can you love me? Will you love me?"

"Oh, hot guit... I mean, Panda Navarro-Bale!" cried Prince Tod, but he never got to cry the rest of his answer, for just then a phalanx of evil-type people burst into their previously-private clearing.
"Oh, no!" cried Prince Tod. "It's my evil elder brother's army! They must've heard us having fun!"

"Well, you were kinda loud at the end, there," said Panda Navarro-Bale.

"Whatever shall we do?" cried Prince Tod.

"Fear not!" said Panda Navarro-Bale. "For I am more than a mere panda who looks like an actor who has been cursed to look like a hot guitarist! I am... more than meets the eye!"

"You mean...?" gasped Prince Tod. (For he quite liked both gasping and crying, which came in quite handy during his Panda Navarro-Bale alone time.) (Huh huh. I said "came". Huh huh huh.)

"YES!" announced Panda Navarro-Bale. "I am a robot in disguise!"

But before Panda Navarro-Bale Prime could complete his transformation into a large red semi truck with flames on the sides and a really kickin' sound system, the scene was interrupted by Prince Tod's evil elder brother, the King! OH NOEZ!

"Stop! Stop! Stop!" yelled the King. "You're having far too much fun here! This is much too silly!"

But Prince Tod, noticing that his evil elder brother seemed be dressed as some sort of British colonel, suddenly realized exactly what must be done.

"Wait a minute," he said. "Did you just quote Monty Python?"

The King, momentarily frightened, glanced nervously around at his troops. "Of course not!" he said. "I would never do such at thing! That would be completely unoriginal and very, very wrong!" He drew himself up sternly and pointed to his smarter, more talented and entirely far more handsome younger brother. "And if you continue to make such accusations," he said, "then you shall be forced to cut down the largest tree in the forest... with... A HERRING!"

"AHA!" yelled Prince Tod. "There, you see? You did it again!"

"What?" said the King. "No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!"

"No, I didn't!"

"Yes, you did!"

"Didn't!"

"Did!"

"DIDN'T!"

"DID!"

"SHUT UP!" yelled the King. "It's my country, and if I say that I didn't, then I didn't, and you have to do what I say because I'm older and if you don't then I'll stomp my feet and I'll talk and talk and talk and talk and TALK until your BRAINS dribble out your EARS! SO THERE!"

"NO!" yelled Prince Tod. "I won't take it anymore! Why should I have to listen to you? You're not even Elvis!"

At this, there was much muttering amongst the King's army. "Not Elvis?" they muttered. "What have we been doing with our lives?"

"You're done for, Evil King!" said Panda Navarro-Bale Prime, completing his transformation. "Quickly, Prince Tod! Transform into a gun so that we may end your evil elder brother's reign of terror together!"

"Yes, my love!" cried Prince Tod, and they did, and it was beautiful.

THE END.

Comments

[Damien Raptore]

http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_lounge/458362.html?thread=9039482#t9039482

You asked, and so you shall receive! Fandom Wank is giving like that.

[How Shall I love thee]

http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1054369.html?thread=145846433#t145846433

[Alai]

You are awesome.

[Joshua James]

We have the same birthday . . .

[Dean]

I have had your love child, which makes it real people mpreg slash. Kewl!

[NotJo]

So, are the rumours true: Are you Lee's much-cooler sock puppet?

[Jim Winter]

"So, are the rumours true: Are you Lee's much-cooler sock puppet?"

Tod as Lee's puppet. Yanno, there's a visual I could really do without.

And I'm never shaking hands with Lee again. How 'bout I just bow next time we meet?

[Toni]

Actually, I don't think FW members *ever* hated Lee, as (and another member said this) posts about him usually provide much merriment and discussion...and yes, some laughs.

Granted, some people are getting sick of Lee-wank because it is repetitive. Even the people who pop up to "defend" fan fiction seem to have gotten stale. Still, I don't think that qualifies as rabid hatred, though.

As for you Tod, the general opinion is that you are the hotness and everyone wants to have your babies.

I can't see where "hate" factors in.

[Elvis]

There's a third fic now!

http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1054369.html?thread=145863329#t145863329

[Katt]

Allow me to be the 500th FW member to propose marriage. Or at least help you tape that mad weasel sex session with Dave Navarro, Carmen Electra and a sadly soiled dagget.

[Emily]

It's good you've discovered Fandom_Wank. Because everyone needs a little F_W now and then. Enjoy!

[Guyot]

Hey, Tico just called. They want to offer these folks a publishing deal!

[Burl Barer]

I am NOT having Tod's babies. Period. End of discussion.
Okay, we were seen dining together recently, and yes he bought me a lovely gift -- two of my own books from a used book store -- but I am NOT having Tod's babies.

Burl

[Hahahahahahahahahahahah... *breathe* HAHAHAHAHA etc.]

I think I've just laughed so much a little bit of piss came out...

I've since decided, you're my hero!

(Hey, I lead a sheltered live, I'm a frickin' writer, what else can I do?!)

Love ya, baby!