Observed At Jury Duty

As a trusted member of American society, the County of Riverside requested that I serve on a jury this week. Ever a willing participant in justice, I readily complied. I'm on a trial now and while I can't say anything about it due to national security interests, I have made the following observations regarding the process.

1. Pretending like you don't speak English is a pretty easy way to get off of a jury. There was woman who sat next to me in the orientation room and spoke at length on her cell phone in perfect un-broken English (and nearly unaccented), but when she was called to be a potential juror, she suddenly sounded like this: "Me no understand English very good." Which I found odd not only because of the animated conversation she'd had completely in English over her cell phone, but also for the issue of ELLE she was reading.

2. Bringing a brown bag that you say is filled with medication that makes you "really dizzy and disoriented" also seems to work. Never mind that if you were really dizzy and disoriented, it might be hard to actually make it to court on time or answer questions as to why serving on a jury might not be such a great thing for you.

3. Intelligence and a willingness to answer lawyer's questions using complete sentences tends to work against those who wish to be excused. Likewise a pattern of bathing.

4. Court reporters are a snippy, heavy breathing bunch.

5. Being a bailiff has got to be one of the most boring fucking jobs on earth. Sure, you get to carry a gun, but your main job is to just sort of watch people swear to god that they're not going to lie.

6. It's really nothing like Pauly Shore's movie Jury Duty, though I have asked the members of the jury to only refer to me as The Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeasel.

Comments

[kryme_dog]

Court reporters are hot. They are very open to suggestion and usually give you at least few crotch shots at the cousnel table. If you're paying attention to that sort of thing, which I am. The bad part is by the time they are good enough to get to the courts, they are old, bitter and tell you to slow down when you're in the middle of a really bitchin legal shpeel. Try going to to a deposition that's where the real talent is. I swear some of these court reporters still have glitter on them and a wad of singles in their underwear. Its a good source of poonani. Otherwise there's no talent in the courts unless you hit up the misdemeanor courts to look at call girls in their church outfits.

BTW If your in the main courthouse in Riverside, its fukin beautiful. That place was built in like 1850 and is a museaum.