Motorin': Ten Things I've Learned About Myself From Watching VH-1's Top 100 Songs Of The 80s

1. Despite seriously hating hair metal, I inexplicably know all the words to "Every Rose Has A Thorn" by Poison, "Sister Christian" by Night Ranger, "Dr. Feelgood" by Motley Crue and "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister. That said, I still only know the chorus to "Round & Round" by RATT, thank fucking god.

2. That bit in the video for "Total Eclipse of the Heart" by Bonnie Tyler when the kids get their bright eyes on and start flying still scares the living shit out of me, not unlike how I feel when the flying monkeys skirt across the screen in the Wizard of Oz.

3. A little bit of me still feels like the fat, pasty, lunchbox holding result of parthenogenesis complaining about the mainstream popularity of The Cure upon "Just Like Heaven" becoming a hit. Granted, I now run away from the same kids in the mall for fear they might throw their gum at me and call me a Yuppie, which happens periodically.

4. I'm not embarrassed to admit that when the video for "Beat It" came on, I felt a little giddy. It's hard to remember that, for a time, Michael Jackson was simply incredible before he became, you know, allegedly, a pederast who vaguely resembles that kid in Powder.

5. How is it that I've watched 4 hours of the show (the last twenty songs are still to come) and the Jesus and Mary Chain, the Smiths, and Neil Diamond have not been mentioned? I mean, people: Darklands! How Soon Is Now! Love on the Rocks! I feel confident Rick Springfield will make an appearance, thus satiating my need for the mullet-king of rock, but I'm going to stroke out if I don't see the Heroin Reid Brothers and their drum machine, Morrissey & Marr and Jewish Elvis gracing my TV very soon.

6. I recall with vivid clarity thinking, even in 1980-whatever, that "Mr. Roboto" had to be the worst choice ever for Styx, a band I hated even then and considered a humiliating cross between Journey (who, yeah, I loved) and Rush (who, yeah, I hated). Hearing Dennis De Young explaining it all twenty years later didn't make it any less awful. And what's up with the Asiatic robot faces? If you're building a robot in a post nuclear future, are you really going to give it human features? And what the fuck does "muldron man" mean? I know, I know, I could Google it, but that gives it some credence.

7. Pat Benatar still sorta makes me feel tingly under my bathing suit when she takes on that pimp in the "Love is a Battlefield" video. Later, when she single handedly defeated the Nazis in the "Shadows of the Night" video, well, as a Jew, I found myself standing up and clapping. Without Pat Benatar, I don't know if I'd even exist. (Not a lot of Nazis in music videos these days, oddly.)

8. Why do all the old MTV VJs look like old hookers, still hoping for one more $20 blow job (and by "all" I mean: Nina Blackwood)?

9. Every time I hear DMC talk, my eyes water a little bit. That poor guy: he had that voice and now he sounds like The D.O.C after the car accident that nearly killed him.

10. A conversation I had about Terri Nunn of Berlin with Wendy:

Me: Wow, she still looks pretty hot.

Wendy: She doesn't actually look like that.

Me: Sure she does. She's right there on our TV.

Wendy: No, I mean, she's got botox in every pore of her face.

Me: I don't believe that. She's just hot.

Wendy: How old is she?

Me: I dunno. 50? She's a hot 50 year old MILF, that's what Terri Nunn is.

Wendy: Her forehead doesn't move. Nothing but her lips and eyes move.

Me: Which makes her hot.

Wendy:

Me: I'd still hit that.

Wendy:

Me: Did I ever tell you that I set next to her at the Jane's concert where they filmed the video for "Stop"?

Wendy:

Me: She smelled really good, as I recall, and it was hot out. On top of Mt. Baldy, which you wouldn't think was very warm, but it was the summer and it was warm and she still smelled really good. I bet if I'd just managed to talk to her, well, things might be very different right now. I might be in bed next to Terri Nunn right now.

Wendy:

Me: I think that's just natural beauty.

Wendy:

Me: You know what song I always liked? "No More Words". That song was the jam, yo. So. Yeah. I could be in bed right now with her and she could be singing "No More Words" into my ear right now, so, yeah, count your blessings, missy.

Wendy: You're an idiot.

Comments

[Sue Trowbridge]

I always thought that line in "Mr. Roboto" was, "I am the modern man."

[David Thayer]

Not to pile on, but Wendy has a point. Foreheads are supposed to move.

[Tori Lennox]

Regarding #8, I always sort of thought she looked that way back in the 80s...

[Jesus Christ]

I was a Martha Quinn fan back when I created MTV for My children. She look like a girl-next-door who wanted to be a sultry hooker.

Yes, I created music for My children. But I can't forgive Myself (since I'm omniscient and omnipotent) for allowing the following 80's lyric to make it to humanity: "I said Captain....he said what. I said Captain...he said what. I said Captain..." (<<

[Danny Barer]

I was a Styx fan in the late '70's, and still enjoy their music from that period. But I never got into the "Mr. Roboto" stage of their work.

I saw both Terri Nunn and The Cure (which is to say, I saw bands made up of the lead person and a bunch of musicians for hire) at Inland Invasion in 2003. With Nunn, I was amazed that so much voice could come out of such a tiny woman. (I didn't actually see her until midway through her set, when she climbed up on top of the PA.) I also felt bad for her guitarist, who got stuck with the thankless "I'm a man ... I'm a man ... I'm a man ..." refrain while Nunn sang about being a goddess/geisha/blue movie/dream divine.

[Dean]

Todd, Todd... what is your price for flight?

[Dan Wickett]

This is hilarious as usual Mr. Goldberg. Though, I doubt you truly hate hair metal bands - I believe you're waking up early every Sunday and listening to Dee Snider's House of Hair, syndicated across the land.

And Nina Blackwood could've used a wee bit of TN's botox - she looked like she'd accept $10.

And Amen to the comments about Mr. McDaniels - while he wasn't the rapper that Simmons was, that voice was awesome and to hear what appears to be torn apart vocal chords these days is painful.

[Angela]

I met/saw Terri Nunn when she played with Danny Bonaduce's wife (see this season of Breaking Bonaduce for the performance where Anthony and I are in every shot at the Hard Rock Cafe behind Danny)Gretchen in the cover band she's in called the Muddflaps. I became friends with the lead of the band via MySpace and we were invited to see them play/tape an episode of Breaking Bonaduce for VH1.They were good and they sang, "No More Words" and I have to say, she's hanging on with the same hairdo/streaky thing, but she did look good. However, I must say her and Gretchen are botoxed out so bad that they really only do move their lips and eyes, which is kinda creepy, if you ask me. Botox in general. But yeah, she looks good. You'd never know if she had a good time that night because her face couldn't move, but oh well--she looks good, right?