Just Awful, Baby

Dear Mr. Davis,

In the 35 years I've been alive, I've watched something like 2500 professional football games -- somewhere in the range of 3 or 4 a week since I was 6, plus the playoffs and Super Bowl -- and during all those years I've been a devoted fan of your Oakland Raiders. As a child in the Bay Area, I literally slept with the Raiders, or atop them anyway, in my Silver & Black sheets. When you moved to LA, I was sad, but I still followed you, particularly since I now lived in Southern California, too. When you moved back to Oakland, I cheered, because that's where you belonged. When Ice Cube told me to stop "Giving juice to the Raiders/ Cuz Al Davis/ Never paid us" I was frankly mortified, but even Cube knows what time it is, as on his latest album he implores his fellow OG's to "Fuck the Broncos/ Raider down, everybody better lay it down." Mr. Davis, I own two hats. Mr. Davis, I have a signed photo of Ted Hendricks mere feet from me. I have a Raider helmet signed by the entire 1999 squad. I've invested countless days and nights drafting and trading for Raiders in my fantasy football leagues, despite knowing that Raiders on a fantasy team are like termites in a house. Mr. Davis, I swear to you I cried when you inducted John Madden into the Hall Of Fame this year. So this is all very hard for me to say, but someone has to say it:

The 2006 Oakland Raiders absolutely fucking suck. Andrew Walter makes Aaron Brooks look like Joe Montana. I have never, in all my life, witnessed a worse fucking football team. I've watched some bad football teams in my life, Mr. Davis, including Raider teams piloted by the likes of Billy Joe Hobert, Rusty Hilger and Donald Hollas, but never have I witnessed a team this fucking awful. Put in Tui. Put in Jeff George. Put in Jim Otto to block. ANYONE. Watching the 2006 Oakland Raiders makes me yearn for a prostate infection. Watching the 2006 Oakland Raiders makes me yearn for an allergic reaction to paper that makes my skin bleed. Watching the 2006 Oakland Raiders makes me yearn to be that woman I saw on the Discover Channel who had two huge worms burrow into her scalp. Watching the 2006 Oakland Raiders makes me yearn to read fiction about 9/11 written with many, many adverbs. Watching the 2006 Oakland Raiders makes me yearn to be in a three-way with Ted Haggard and Michelle Malkin, with Ann Coulter on the sidelines, touching herself suggestively while murmuring into Sean Hannity's ear, while Disco Don Rumsfeld reads me his erotic poetry, while George Allen Jr. moans "Oh, Macaca" over and over again.

Just thought you should know. Please sell the fucking team.

Best wishes, have a great summer, K.I.T and totally stay sweet,

Tod Goldberg

Comments

[Bill Peschel]

Tod, that was touching.

Real fucking touching.

[Kryme Dog]

Al isn't the problem its Fat Fuckin Albert Art Shell. He's the worst coach in the histiry of the game. How many bonehead dcalls can you make in one game. He almost went for it on 4th and 22 last night, but Al probably called him and called him something racits. What a fukin meathead he is, the whole team hates each other and he's benching All Pros. What the fuck did Jerry Porter do anyway? Did he fuck Shell's mom or something. Fukin TO tries to off himself and he's on thh field sundays, Moss talk all kind of shit and he plays too. Shell is just a bitch. He's like Dennis Greene without the funny sound bites.

Oh and that fuckin Gallery fag they drafted couldn't block an artery if he was a deep fried Twinkie. Fuck him and his ugly momma.

Why the fuck did they pass on Leinhart and pick up Martin Lawrence to QB. That guy fukin sucks. Fuck his momma too.

As a matter of fact fuck all their mommas.

[Kryme_Dog]

BTW I don't know what you are talking about. I would fuck the shit out of Ann Coulter. I would be down for a 3 way with her and Debbie Schlussel.

I would rather fuck Art Shell's momma though. Just so I could wake up in the morning, go downstairs in my boxers and tell him "Boy there's a new man around here and there's gonna be some changes. Now go get me my paper cuz I'm tired from fuckin yo momma all night"

[David Thayer]

Sure the Seahawks beat da Raiders. Then it rained for 40 days and 40 nights until Al Davis descended from Mount Ranier and saw that it was good.

[Joe]

Oh, those sad, sad Raiders. No other team has ever been shut out *twice* in one season on MNF. It's already a long year.

[Sam Barer]

As a man currently in a two-month-long fight against a prostate infection stronger than Warren Sapp's bed springs, I can honestly say that I'd rather watch a losing team than have a prostate infection. Although, Tod, I suppose you might like making one pee an all-day event.

As a Seahawks fan, I say "cry me a fucking river, Super Bowl winner." For every one of your Billy Joe-led type teams, we've had Sean Salisbury, Dan McGwire, Rick Mirer...and the big-daddy with the all-time NFL record for fumbles by a quarterback, Dave Krieg. (Krieg was so great, he went to a college that actually folded while his team was at an away game!)

At least you know what it feels like to have your team win a Superbowl (or a World Series, for that matter.) Here in Seattle, all we know is coming up short in the Superbowl, coming up short in the ALCS, winning an NBA championship in what most experts consider the low-point in the league's quality, and for those nearing 100 years old, winning the Stanley Cup (and then tying for it when the team got isolated for exposure to the 1919 flu outbreak.)

But it was nice beating the Raiders on Monday Night!

[bigmike]

Seahawks fan...you deserve that yeast infection...oops! Sorry, prostate infection. Don't kick a man when he's down. BAD things happen to you when you do that. baaahhhhddd.