Letters to Parade: What's My Name Now, Bitch?

I'm not a big nickname kinda guy in that I don't want to be called any nicknames and I don't conjure up a lot of nicknames for people and then subsequently take to calling that person that name.

That said, at various times in my life, people have called me the following names:

1. Todster. Primarily uttered by 16 year old girls that I really, really wanted to have sex with. By virtue of the name alone, it was clear these 16 year old girls did not want to have sex with me (I was also, it should be noted, 16 at the time) because no one wants to have sex with anyone named Todster.

2. Todler. Um, yes, those same 16 year old girls were once 14 and 15.

3. Goldberg. Not technically a nickname since it is, in fact, my name, but from 1989-1994, this was the primary named I answered to in college. In college, no one goes by a first name if they happen to be in a fraternity, since there are usually fifteen other guys with the same name. Tod isn't all that common of a name, yet there were two other guys in my pledge class alone who had it as well (they were called Ford and Reakes to avoid confusion). Of course, even people with names completely singular were known by their last names, too, unless their name was Vitaly, in which case they were called Kryme Dawg, but that's another story.

4. Goldberg. 1994-present. Ah, yes, it persists. See, people just like to say it. It rolls off the tongue. It can be chanted. It can be muttered. It can be said in derision. But it's also a personality: no one calls my brother Goldberg, I presume, but then my brother doesn't have a lot of friends who call him "dude" either, so perhaps it's a generational issue. I'm writing a column for Jewcy and at no time did they ask me if I wanted to call it Tod. No, it went straight to Goldberg. Conversely, I must admit that if one more fast food employee looks at my debit card and says, "Goldberg...like the wrestler?" I'll going fucking Amish school in that place. [Is it too soon? Someone let me know. I never know when it's too soon to make jokes about crazy mass murdering fucks.]

All that withstanding, I do often think about different names I might choose for myself, if only because at some point it might be a necessity in the publishing end of things. Your little name in that computer program all of NY uses to place value on your writing can dictate that your name just doesn't work anymore, in which case you sometimes need to enter the publishing witness protection program, reemerging with a new name but the same crappy books. I've narrowed my pen names down to a workable bunch:

1. Rebecca Brandewyne. I know, I know, she's already a published author, but I figure if I ever want to write in purple prose in direct rebellion against the paper industry [you should go and read the link...it's old, but it's absurd and it never stops being absurd...go ahead, I'll still be here when you get back...and I haven't even gotten to the letter yet, so you've got plenty of time], this would be the name to go to market with.

2. Ghostface Jew Killah. I've wanted to do an anti-Jew novel for a long time, if only so people will then root out my true identity to learn that I am a Jew and that I did it all for the publicity and then, you know, Oprah will take me down a notch on national TV and then I'll write a memoir about how I'm actually a former lot lizard, and then Bernard Cooper will take me under his wing (except we'll never meet) and Gus Van Zandt will make a movie with me and then I'll actually admit that I have recovered memories of being raped (metaphorically) by an evil band of Mennonites.

3. James Patterson. Again, I know this is a real author, but hear me out: If I start writing books under the name James Patterson how does it make it any different than James Patterson saying he's writing books under the name James Patterson? Sure, he used to write the books, but once you have a phalanx of tiny druid men co-writing your books with you, can you even claim true authorship?

Of course authors have been using pen names for centuries (James Joyce is actually a pen name for Dean Koontz) but actors have been doing it for even longer (I don't know if that's true, but, well, it works into my upcoming rage, so go with it), and for good reason. How many action heroes are named Larry Plotkin? How many hot female leads are named Bernice Jibholper? It just reasons if you're an actor that you'd probably want an attractive sounding name -- not a lot of hard consonants, something smooth and velvety sounding. Of course, in the past this meant Jewish sounding names were changed and by the past, I mean, yesterday. This morning. Five minutes ago. Right this very instant. Considering the Jews run Hollywood and the liberal media, you'd think this trend would abate (and if the Jews run the liberal media, I'd like more than a dollar a word for freelance articles), but I ask you: When was the last time you saw a movie starring Harvey Rosenblatt and Shana Cohen? Why, even Parade magazine hides their Jew sounding names: Ed Klein writes Personality Parade under the name Walter Scott. It's a conspiracy! Except that one Cindi Sanders of Mount Pleasant, S.C. (who should change her name so people don't think she's a porn star, because Cindi Sanders totally sounds like a porn star name, if only for the "i" at the end of Cindi), who is so clearly a fucktard that it doesn't even matter if we note it or not, now thinks that all those stars she loves go by their Christian names:

Many film stars, like Kirk Douglas (Issur Demsky) and Anne Bancroft (Anna Marie Italiano), used to change their names. When did this trend end?

Uh, well, Cindi, it didn't. Here's just a brief sampling of some of your favorite stars:

Pia Zadora (you'll remember her from the Lovely Lady, where she was raped by a garden hose and then showered with all of her clothes on): real name Pia Alfreda Schipani

Jesse Ventura (you'll remember him in Predator and as the Gov. of Minnesota): real name James George Janos

Jon Stewart (he's that scary liberal funny man you hear all about on FOX...the one that isn't Al Franken...and he used to be in really bad movies, too): real name Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz

Jenna Jamison (you're doing a d-p with her tomorrow): real name Jennifer Marie Massoli.

There are literally thousands of other examples, Cindi, but I figured I should use people you've either heard of, have a velvet painting of in your home or who you've been warned against in church. I'm sure Walter Scott (real name: Edward Klein) will clear this all up, too. He's just too good of a journalist to let this gimme slip past him...

With the decline of the studio system in the late 1950s, Hollywood execs no longer had the power to force stars like Al Pacino and Jeff Goldblum to anglicize their names. For the real names of some other stars, visit parade.com.

Well, then, let's take a look at the list Parade has...it will be interesting to see the real names of all these 1950s Hollywood stars, since, yeah, now everyone uses their own names...

Chuck Norris: Carlos Ray

Doris Day: Doris von Kappelhoff

Gene Wilder: Jerome Silberman

Meg Ryan: Margaret Hyra

Albert Brooks: Albert Einstein

George Burns: Nathan Birnbaum

Alan Alda: Alphonso D'Abrruzzo

Jean Arthur: Gladys Greene

Richard Burton: Richard Jenkins

Fred Astaire: Frederick Austerlitz

Woody Allen: Allen Konigsberg

Rita Hayworth: Margarita Cansino

John Wayne: Marion Morrison

Let me just pose a question here to Parade editor Lee Kravitz: Do you even read the fucking magazine? I mean, really, do you ever read this fucking magazine? And let me ask you, Lee, why do you think Ben Kingsley changed his name from Krishna Banji despite not being in the studio system of the 1950s? Or Joey Fucking Lawrence, born Joseph Mignogna Jr. Joey Fucking Lawrence, Lee. Reading Parade makes it hurt when I pee.

Comments

[Dante Kleinberg]

I used to be in the Navy, and was called by my last name only, Kleinberg, pretty much exclusively for those years. I didn't care for it. It's a very "uncool" sounding name compared to Dante.

Though one guy in the Navy used to call me "Special K," which is still the only nickname I've ever had. And I kinda liked it!

[Tanya Mravik]

I have never had a nickname. However, my real name is not Tanya Mravik. It is Albert Einstein. :)

[Mike Barer]

Mel Gibson's real name is Adolph Eichman

[Bill Peschel]

The fact that R.B. proudly calls herself a J-school graduate tells you all you need to know about the value of a J-school degree.

Rants like hers used to come into the newspaper on single sheets of papers, single-spaced, with the sentences trailing around the outside edge of the paper. To save space.

Bill (UNC J-school, 1984)

[Graham]

My favorite stage name of all time: Boris Karloff. Real name: William Henry Pratt.

"Boog" Powell was my Official Pledge Nickname when I was in a fraternity. Another pledge was dubbed "McFly", after Michael J. Fox's dad in BACK TO THE FUTURE. Cruel, yet appropriate.

[Kryme Dog]

Yo man u gotta tell the story of Kryme Dog u cant just tease the people like that. Its some compelling shit man.

I can relate to fat Appolo. I've grown fat and complacent too since I bailed on my people and started banging hot black chicks. Wait do I bang hot black chicks? And do I have people?

[David Thayer]

Back in the day Brooklyn mob guys had great nicknames like "Kid Blast" and "Solly the Sheik." Writers, especially novelists, really haven't had great nicknames. Stick with James Patterson.

[Tex Lebeauf]

It could be argued that when your real name is Dante, you don't really need to invent a cool nickname...

[Mike Barer]

I think the writer was upset with Howie Mendell.