Letters To Parade: On Childhood Romance And The Sexism Of Ed Klein, Parade Magazine And All Of The Advance Magazine Publisher's Leadership Who Allow For Said Sexism To Continue Unabated

When I was 17, I began dating a girl named Marcy. This was 1988 and I was a senior in high school. We had what could be considered a fine high school relationship, which is to say we didn't fight over stupid stuff, we got along very well, made each other laugh, did things that, in retrospect, seem awfully adult for teenagers, and generally managed to not get involved in anything that would damage us too much as adults (though all the times we shoplifted from the Target in Cathedral City does sort of weigh on me...if I had it to do all over again, I'd return that Walkman. And those Nintendo games. And that hat. And the miniature candy bars. And the toaster oven). I went off to college, dated a series of skanks and then, finally, in 1994 met the woman who would become my wife, though we did not actually get married until 1998, when I was 27 and Wendy was 25. Over the years I've heard from Marcy and found that she, too, is married and has three kids and is living a very happy and successful life with her husband. I'm sure along the way Marcy dated a series of skanks, too, before finding the man of her dreams and building her life. But, in the end, mazel tov, here we are. Adults. Married. Living our lives. No one expected us to get married because, well, we were just kids. Who you love at 17, who you are at 17, is not exactly a road map for who you'll love for the rest of your life, or who you'll be.

Sure, sure, in parts of America being 17 is a fine age to get hitched at. That part of America is called the Ozarks or women's prison. My parents married in 1956 at 19 years old and divorced sixteen years later. Why they got divorced can be attributed to several factors -- not the least of which may be that they were not in love with each other anymore -- but it's hard to fathom how people in love at 19 are the same people at 35, or even 21.

Now, imagine that when I was 17 and dating Marcy that I was also the lead singer of New Kids on the Block and that Marcy was Tiffany. Naw, fuck that. Tiffany was awful. Let's make Marcy Debbie Gibson, who at least wrote her own music and had those adorable hats. So, I'm Donnie Wahlberg and she's Debbie Gibson. We're 17. We've got the world at our feet. I'm singing about hanging tough, she's talking about things only in her dreams and we're madly in love. And by madly in love, I mean, you know, we're both banging the hell out of our groupies but, when we're off the road, we've got an unbreakable bond. An everlasting love. A Romeo & Juliet type thing. We're like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. We've got that...thing. We get our pictures in BOP, Tiger Beat, Teen Beat, Dynamite and all that.  We appear side by side on a show on Nickelodeon and they drop green goo on our heads.

At that very moment, if you had to place odds on us, Donnie Wahlberg and Debbie Gibson, spending the rest of our lives together, what would they be? 50-50? 75-25? 1 in 89,000,000?

Well, if you're a normal human being, one who doesn't look at teenagers, specifically celebrity teenagers, and believe they'll be together, just like the kids at the end of fucking Grease (and here, let me state: I hate the fucking ending of Grease where they fly off in the car), forever and ever, but, you know, will end up banging a bunch of skanks before finding their lifemate, the answer is 1 in 89,000,000. But if you're a Parade reading fucktard like Joy V. of Oakland, CA, you just can't fathom why it wouldn't work out. There's no reasonable answer you might come up with on your own. You can't even summon a minute amount of brain power to figure this fucking riddle out. You're so muddled, you might write Ask Marilyn for help -- "Marilyn, I'm confused, why don't people who start dating when they are 17 end up together forever? K.I.T. and have a great summer! Party hard! 2nd Period was a blast!" Or, worse, you might turn to Walter Scott. Joy, the fucktard queen of Oaktown, writes:

Why did Justin Timberlake's relationship with Britney Spears fizzle, yet his romance with Cameron Diaz seems solid as ever?

Because, Joy, you fucking twit, THEY STARTED DATING WHEN THEY WERE BOTH 17. Plus, THEY WERE HUGE INTERNATIONAL STARS WHO SPENT MOST OF THEIR LIVES AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, BANGING GROUPIES. And, HOW MANY FUCKING PEOPLE DO YOU KNOW, JOY, WHO STARTED DATING WHEN THEY WERE 17 AND ARE STILL TOGETHER NOW WHO AREN'T FROM THE OZARKS OR AREN'T OVER 70?

Joy, I encourage you to swallow a glass of C'Mere Deer. Just chug that fucker down and let some ignorant hunter fire a round of buckshot through your ass. [It's a lot easier to say really cruel things to the people who don't put their whole names on their questions, but less gratifying because I know they aren't real people, but it's fun to pretend...back to my ranting...] I'm sure Walter Scott will set you straight:

Britney, 24, needed to be frontman in the relationship, and that caused competitive friction with Justin, a far better singer. Cameron, however, is eight years older than Justin, 25, and has the self-confidence of a box office star. In public, she wisely lets her boyfriend have the spotlight.

Let's just ignore the sheer fucktardedness of this answer and the logic behind it. [Okay, let's not, but only for a second: She wanted to be in control of the relationship but because Justin is a better singer, that caused friction. That's like saying that Ed Klein, the braintrust behind Walter Scott, wanted to be on the opening flap of Parade, which chafed Marilyn Vos Savant because she has the cure for the gay...you see, it makes no sense whatsoever.] Instead, let's focus on the fact that if you're a woman who works at Parade, you're complicit in the sexism that pervades Walter Scott's Personality Parade. You, Associate Editor Elizabeth Puzio, have your name attached to this drivel. Cameron Diaz wisely lets her boyfriend have the spotlight or else...what? She'll lose her man and then where would she be? Cameron Diaz wisely lets her boyfriend have the spotlight or else, why, then she'd have the spotlight and women can't have any spotlight if they are next to a man? You, Associate Editor Paula Silverman, must have seen this before it went to press? Of course you did, but then every week Ed Klein spouts this sexist rhetoric. Women performers are only as good as their men. Don't believe me? Just stroll through the archives here and you'll find about a half dozen such examples.

Ladies, I know we've all dated some skanks in our time, but eventually we grow out of that skank phase and become grown ups who don't stand for scum. We stop having sex in public parks with other people watching and start making hard and fast decisions about who we are. Sure, sure, we may occasionally yearn for the public park fucking days, but, really, in order to feel good about ourselves, we try to have sex only in the house (and the car...and the house we're watching for the neighbors...you get the idea). Well, I've got news for you, gals: Go ahead and fuck your hearts out in the metaphorical parks of New York. 

Comments

[David Thayer]

Thanks for explaining why Britney and Justin broke up. Until now I was confused.

[Mike Barer]

I knew that you would pick that one. That was a gimme.

[Tanya]

I'm a proud supporter of Tod Goldberg for President. Now who is going to second that? :)

[Chadwick H. Saxelid]

Klein/Scott is an utter asshat.

[Mike Barer]

I'm a proud supporter of Tod Goldberg for President. Now who is going to second that? :)

I don't know, he has some whacky relatives!

[Danny Barer]

Both you and Ed are missing the obvious: Why would Brit-Brit settle for Justin Timberlake when she could have Kevin "Papazow" Federline? (With a side of "Manny," of course.)