Letters To Parade: A Special Note To D. Kim Of Seattle And Walter Scott Of Parade: Fuck You

Just the other night, my mother asked me if I'd ever heard her father swear. I believe I'd just complained that the service at the particular Italian restaurant where we happened to be dining was "for shit" and that our server in particular was "a fucking moron" and that my salad tasted like "ass" and that my water had the distinct flavor of "stale piss...like you passed out drunk with your shoes on and woke up 12 hours later with your kidney aching or like maybe you might have had sex with someone who gave you poison piss...that's what my water tastes like, but with lemon" and that the decor was "tastefully done, if your idea of taste is a dead hooker in a fetid pool of animal shit."

"Yes," I replied.

"When?"

We were at dinner with a friend of my mother's so I opted not to tell the whole story, but here, amongst the millions, I'll recount it. I was about 8 or 9 and my mother and my grandfather were arguing about money, the conclusion of which was, "Goddamn it, if you had a goddamn dime you'd spend a goddamn dollar!" It was a significant moment because it was the first time I fully realized my grandfather was my mother's father and the first time that I realized how awesome that was: Oh, so that's who gets to yell at her. Awesome!

If my grandfather had simply opted to say that sentence without the swear words -- and really, why is goddamn considered a swear word? -- it probably wouldn't have had the power, the thrill, the zing of the moment. But with that tiny little word, oh, it was a fiesta of anger! How well that word personified the moment! How important it made it all sound! How final! How fucking awesome! 

But in truth, I am confounded by the offense people have at swear words. I can understand people getting angry for religious or racial slurs which are certainly more personal in nature, but if I call you (and let's say you is Edward Klein, the "journalist" who "writes" the Walter Scott column) a fucktard, what does that do to you personally? Does it in some way actually invalidate who you are? If you believe in yourself, if you like who you are, if you are proud of what you've accomplished or what you stand for or the way you never piss on the floor or whatever it is you take pride in, why would you care if I called you a fucktard? Or an asshole. Or a shithead. Or a motherfucker. Motherfucker is one that kills me -- people get so upset about motherfucker! Let me tell you, I've seen those MILF sites and there's no shame in this moniker -- mother fucking is as cool as Billy Jack. Oh, but you call someone a motherfucker and it's like your people ratted out Jesus, metaphorically speaking, of course.

Swearing is an integral part of my daily speech and I believe it is an integral part of most other people's as well. There are many people I've met who claim they don't swear and then they offer to drive you somewhere and fifteen seconds later this person is a cunt, that person is a bitch, that other person is a cocksucker, and that guy driving that bus is a fucking cocksucking cunt bitch. They apologize, act shameful and then call a couple kids jaywalking buttfuckers and, well, the cycle continues. Heck, even our President swore this week -- he said "shit" -- and we all know that he's the right hand to Jesus, a chief executive officer of the Illuminati and all around proper guy (apart from the war mongering, the coke, the alcohol, the fact that he still can't commit to global warming despite the fact that it was 126 here the other day). Swearing is simply a part of language and always has been.

Which bring us to a fucking cocksucker named D. Kim of Seattle, Washington. This fucktard is aghast about the swearing of actress Keira Knightley, so Mr. or Mrs. Cocktard Of The Fucktards Kim thought it would be a good idea to pen a letter to The Caked Brown Shitstain Inside The Underwear of A Dead Drifter Walter Scott (also known as Mr. Motherfucking Edward Klein) to find out just what the hell was up with that shit:

I was shocked to read an interview in which the refined-looking Keira Knightey swore like a drunken sailor. Why the potty mouth?

Why the potty mouth? Because she can't open her mouth without morons like D. Kim pondering her every word as though it were Holy Fucking Scripture. Because being an actor is a job, and being pretty isn't a recipe for a vast vocabulary, you're given the face, you gotta learn the words. Because people swear, D. Kim, because people like you have turned the world into a puss filled petrie dish of political correctness. You know what, D. Kim? Fuck you. Fuck you hard. Fuck you like you're in prison and you're the new inmate. And if you don't like it? Well, as the Beastie Boys once said, then,hey, fuck you. But let's see what the Fucktard Prince Of Cockville has to say on the subject.

Keira, 21, now in the sequel tp Pirates of the Caribbean, must think it's cool. We think it detracts from her looks and talent.

Let's do a little experiment. Let's look at two handsome and talented men and see how swearing causes them to look more or less attractive and either increases or decreases their talent in pictures that are frighteningly similar:

Me.

Edward Klein/Walter Scott

Huh. I guess I see what he means after all. Swearing makes me look less manly and talented, while swearing makes Ed Klein look, um, like he wants to kill me. Goddamn.

Comments

[Alphabeter]

Much better picture of you.

As much as Ed/Walter is creepy, using a photo of you as a kid is a wee bit much. It gives him a pedophile vibe.

Not that he wouldn't eat children for good PR...or any PR that didn't have a link back to you!

[Kristy]

Recently during a discussion about my ovaries with the husband he angered me at his lack of ovary knowledge and yet willful conduct to the contrary and I found myself swearing in ways I've never done before. "Fuck you and your gonad's you're a fucktard if you think that you know anything about goddamned ovaries!"

I then broke out in a much needed fit of laughter saying "oh my god, I said fucktard....I have to pay Tod royalties now or something..." To which he said, "Who the hell is Tod?" My reply, "If you had ovaries you'd know!"

[Mike Barer]

Uncle Dave could be surly at times but kept his swearing to Hell and Damn.

[Angela]

Well, swearing in my house was a staple in most conversations. My parents tried to be good, but my mom incorporated the word "fuck" into her vocabulary after my sister and I moved out. Which, seems odd to me considering she should have been using it when we lived at home. "fucking fuck you you fucking piece of ---fuck!" The word is versatile and for lack of a better word during a fight, it always works out best! And Anthony has picked up on me casually incorporating fucktard into our arguements, at which point I'm told I'm not original, that's a "Tod" word.:)

[Ben]

Just curious: do you cuss like this in front of your niece or other kids?

[Debby G.]

Teehee! You crack me up!

[tod goldberg]

No, of course I don't swear like this in front of kids. Usually, I have sock puppets that I use to act out the various swear words instead. I find it much more effective.

[Joshua James]

this fucking killed me, because I cannot stop the swearing - there's nothing quite so satisfying as exclaiming, at the top of one's lungs, "FUCK!"

[Mike Barer]

Once it's allowed to be said on regular network Tv, the F word will drop out of regualar lexicon.

[David Zarkin]

Rather than being upset with Kiera for swearing like a sailor, she is on my shit list for particpatoing in that interminably boring turkey Pirates 2. She should be ashamed. I want my $7 back. See my blog www.cheezymovies.blogspot.com for the review.

[Rick]

"...mother fucking is as cool as Billy Jack."

HILARIOUS!!

Rick Keeney
Minneapolis

[carolyn]

Best Fucktard Post Ever. Fuck! :)

[Mike Barer]

Sorry Dave, but I don't think Kiera gives a crap about that. I think she is have a hell of a time with her millions. Probably in back of a limo swilling champaigne right now. Maybe in her later years when the new breed comes in and puts her out to pasture, will she start feeling guilty about your 7 dollars. hang in there.

[Mike Barer]

Just think of all the fun you could have had the bozo asked about the "Superman Curse"

[Richard Cooper]

I must be an immature fucktard, too, because this post made me laugh my fuckity-fucktard ass off.