Because I am nothing if not an American Patriot, I went and saw Superman when it opened up a few days ago. It was an exceptionally long movie considering the end was a foregone conclusion (No spoiler here -- Everyone knows Superman ends up dying tragically but then crawls from his grave three days later and a great international holiday in his honor is created where we are all told to love and cherish this reborn undead hero by making sex on Ann Coulter's face and eating marshmallow peeps), but, well, it was 116 the day it played at our local multiplex here in the desert, so three hours under someone else's air conditioning is fine by me.
However, I didn't entirely love the movie and have spent some time pondering what could have made it better. I've come up with 10 things Bryan Singer can do for the sequel:
1. Encourage people to line up in front of the wrong theater for several months in advance of the movie's opening, thus obscuring the fact that in all likelihood, you've hired Chris Tucker to reprise Richard Pryor's role from Superman 3.
2. Two words: General Zod.
3. Look, let's just call a spade a spade here: it's a little freaky that the guy they found to play Superman looks exactly like Christopher Reeve and seems to be doing an impression of Reeve vs. playing Superman. My understanding is that Margot Kidder's teeth fell out when she saw the new movie and that she ran out screaming in fear, only to be found in someone's backyard, toothless and muttering obscenities. (But let me be clear: if this doppelganger kid wants to star in a remake of my all time favorite guilty pleasure Somewhere In Time, he has my total support). So, for the next one, how about making everyone happy by hiring Neil Diamond to play the role. He was transcendent in the Jazz Singer. He would be positively captivating as the Man of Steel.
4. A simple requirement: If you're making a movie that is three hours long, it must include at least one of these elements:
2. A nice German fellow who saves a lot of Jews.
3. Enormous sinking cruise liners that kill Leonardo DiCaprio.
4. Some girl-on-girl action. Preferably hot girl-on-girl action.
5. Sophia Coppola should be allowed to direct the next installment and, at the end, Superman should whisper something into Lois Lane's ear just as the Jesus and Mary Chain begin banging out the opening chords of Just Like Honey.
6. Um, yeah: Knife blades that shoot out of Superman's hands would be cool.
7. Look, I understand that at one time Marlon Brando was America's most treasured actor, but whenever I see him in that preposterous silver/white suite, with that mane of hair, I always think the same thing: Disco!
8. Okay, this is a spoiler, so don't read it if you're really invested in the new movie...Get rid of that Cousin Oliver kid of Lois Lane's! Oh my god, he has powers! I'm stunned! Not since Meeno Peluce graced our tv screens alongside Jon Eric Hexum has a child with such god fucking awful hair and weird psycho eyes been afforded such screen exposure. And, yeah, if a child happens to kill an adult with a piano, as young master Lane does, that kid is going to need some therapy. Who pays for that? No more adorable moppets who kill.
9. Kate Bosworth should surf in the next movie. She's a better surfer than she is a reporter. I mean, you win a Pulitzer and you can't fathom that the bulky guy with glasses could be Superman? What kind of fucktard wears a disguise that consists only of glasses? And what kind of fucktard is fooled by it? What is wrong with you people! There's a space alien wearing glasses working at the Daily Planet!
10. Let's see some of Clark Kent's prose. The guy has been working at the Daily Planet for 50 years and has never turned in a story. Let's see if the kid has some chops.