Holy shit is Pat Robertson one scary fucktard. And, additionally, holy shit, is Parade Magazine the official mouthpiece of the conservative right or are they simply a collection of the most mealy-mouthed "journalists" in America? Or, alternately, is Parade simply a front for an alien super-race bent on numbing the brains of the world's populace, thus priming us all for the demonic ascension of Ed Klein to the title of Dark Overlord of the Fucktard Illuminati?
But back to Pat Robertson. I'm not one to make fun of scary religious zealots...oh, no, wait, I am....but Pat Robertson is such an easy target, what with his shifting moral center, depending upon whether or not his 700 Club blood money is invested in something lucrative (like, say, China and their stance on forced abortion) and his on-call Ninja assassin death squads ready to be dispatched to Commie countries as per Mr. Robertson and Jesus' wishes. Miracles are all about donations and desire, of course, which leads us to a fucktard named S. Hensley of Los Angeles, CA (god willing, it's Jefferson's star Sherman....), who apparently not only watches the 700 Club, but also buys Pat's books, which makes Mr. Hensley a truly frightening fucktard, and someone unlikely to get anything from the Goldberg canon, who writes:
Pat Robertson, host of The 700 Club, just published Miracles Can Be Yours Today. What miracle does he pray for?
Before Walter Scott answers, let me toss out a few ideas:
1. President Rick Santorum!
2. Homosexuals turn into loaves of bread....and then suddenly burst into flames.
3. Ninja assassins finally allowed to behead sinners.
4. Liberal professors (those who aren't homosexuals) forced to face off with God's angry will -- hurricanes, tidal waves, Carrot Top -- in a televised cage match on the 700 club.
5. ClassKC allowed to remove all books with black characters, homosexuals and anyone who questions the validity of God from all schools in America, to be replaced by the collected works of Zane Grey (who, according to the fantastic bio I just read, fucked everything that moved, and then took photos of them, just to see the look on their faces, as Anthony Keidis once said) and, of course, Pat Robertson.
6. New Orleans gets hit with another hurricane just to prove God is still really angry with all the sinners, even though most of them now live in Texas.
7. American capital moved to South Dakota.
8. Dick Cheney lands in San Francisco locked and loaded and looking for a matinee showing of Brokeback Mountain.
9. Parade Magazine inserted into every Bible.
10. Women in house coats and slippers sign over their life saving to him in the name of Jesus.
Of course, since Parade is a bastion of journalistic integrity, we can expect that whatever Robertson says will be tempered by some solid background information, some biting commentary and, perhaps, a bunch of underpaid staffers walking out on their jobs because they're tired of being used as tools for the Gay Agenda...er, wait, the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy...uh, the Conservative Cuckolding...the Fucktardization of Life Through God Fucking Awful Sunday Insert Magazines. Who from the masthead will stand-up? Is it Sports Editor Mitch Albom? Is it Washington Correspondent Lyric Wallwork Winik? Is it Editorial Assistant Sharon Coppelson? [Yes, when each of you Googles yourself, I'll remove your name...just send me an email like everyone else at the office does...]. Here's what Walter Scott was able to suss out from Rev. Fucktard:
"I have prayed that somehow, thanks to the goodness of the Lord, we would have a change in the composition of the Supreme Court," Robertson, 76, tells us. "We've had two new justices already, and I'm sure one more is coming. That's miracle enough for me."
Just to clarify, Mr. Robertson is essentially saying, "I am scared of vaginas and therefore would prefer the US government have provenance over them lest the lesser humans connected to them are allowed to makes decisions about them on their own." I think it's nice that the Lord, in his infinite goodness, allowed Rehnquist to die a miserable death, his body eaten alive by cancer, and forced O'Connor to retire instead of curing cancer, or bringing peace to the world, or reviving the career of Air Supply, or getting the Weaver family on the Amazing Race to the finish line first, or smiting me for my sins, or helping athletes win titles, or stopping the release of the film ATL, which just looks terrible, or stopping me from, nonetheless, having a desire to see ATL, or bringing back Jesus for a little Biblical justice on the Jews, homosexuals, gypsies, et al. Nope, He was working on the Supreme Court.