With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility

I've had a website and/or blog since 1999 and yet here it is the Year Of Our Lord Dave Navarro 2006 and finally, finally, someone has anointed me The Most Annoying Man In The Blogosphere. A writer who no longer exists in any online form or function under his previous name and kindly asked that I remove his former name [as of March 12, 2007] and which I agreed because, well, I'm just that kind of guy, bestowed the title upon me just this morning...but it appears that there is a challenger for the belt and Mr. Man With No Name, but which sounds a lot like Amesja Osubka is damn mad about it:

Lee Goldberg, in his ongoing quest to wrest "the most annoying man in the blogosphere" honors from his brother, Tod, has taken advantage of Amazon.com's incredibly wrongheaded left turn into the blogging game.

You see, Amazon has decided to let authors post little blog-like entries on the pages where their book (or whatever) is listed. I'm sure someone will use this feature responsibly, but it's more likely we'll see the sort of nonsense Goldberg's posted to The Man With the Iron-On Badge:

"Look at me! Look at me! I'm cool! Don't scroll down the page to where actual readers have called my book amateurish, creepily obsessed with sex and not worth the expense! Buy now! Buy now!"

James, I assure you that Lee will not wrench that title from me. I've worked too hard. I've struggled too much. I've spent countless hours trying to figure out how to annoy people (my first thought, naturally, was to be excessively phlegmy online, but quickly learned that what is annoying in a classroom or office situation is decidedly more tricky in a cyber situation) and even more time hatching my insidious plan to win the belt. Now, I do have a few questions about this title, James, that I hope you can clear up for me:

1. Is there a special belt buckle or some kind of bedazzled vest that I get to wear?

2. Do I need to refile my quarterly taxes to reflect this new title?

3. When filling out official paperwork, does the title go before or after "Award-losing Author" or is it more appropriately located in between "Mr." and "Tod"?

4. Who did I beat out for the title and was there an official ceremony? Also, in the event that I become less annoying, is there someone other than Lee that can step in to perform my duties? I have some annoying friends that I could recommend in the event that I simply become sick or important -- I drove to San Francisco with Rob Roberge and while I didn't find him annoying, in fact I found him quite enjoyable, I suspect you might find him so. I would be happy to send you information on Rob and his annoying tendencies.

5. My birthday is coming up next week and I was wondering if you might like to come down to the desert to celebrate with me, because I intend to be as annoying as possible that day. We'll wake up quick, as Eazy-E once said, at about noon and spend the rest of the afternoon humming to ourselves in crowded elevators, cutting in line at Trader Joe's, standing in front of the G section at Borders waiting to see if anyone picks up one of my or Lee's books so I can tell them all the great reasons they should do a little talking with the wallet ("Hey! I'm Tod and this is James and we're here to tell you all about my books and stuff. So, where are you from? How's your day been? Did you vote in the last election? How about all those fucktards? Hey, how about that book in your hand! Pretty great selection! Awesome! Vis-a-vis you and your purchasing power, how do you think the rest of your afternoon will go? James, anything to add?"). We'll then head off to dinner together and I'll order my food like Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, and then, finally, we'll retire back to the Goldberg homestead where we'll sit around the front yard talking loudly about our prostates. Will you come?

6. Is there any kind of end-of-year report I need to file in order to earn an emeritus title?

7. My sisters are pretty annoying and they have blogs, too...is there any way I can get them involved with your organization?

8.  Can you tell me what an effective use for the Amazon blog might be? Because if I can convince Lee to do it the good way, I'm pretty sure my stiffest competition would be foiled!

9. In the course of being annoyed by me this year, have you at any time wondered what part of you keeps returning to be annoyed? Is there, in fact, a deep-seated emotional longing you have -- perhaps from childhood, perhaps from standing in line at Starbucks, perhaps from the very act of being annoyed by me -- that I fill in you? James...are you my long lost son? Come home, James. All is forgiven. We love you. It was the amnesia.

10. If I have shirts printed, do you get a cut of the profits?

Thank you again, James, and thank you America. You're all Patriots. And if I stop being an annoyance to you, remember: the terrorists win.

Comments

[Danny Barer]

I am mystified by the critics and commentators who are saying there's too much sex in MWTIOB. Seemed like the amount of nookie in there was far from overwhelming. After reading Rob Roberge's MORE THAN THEY COULD CHEW, I found the sex in MWTIOB rather quaint.

[Mark Terry]

...if nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will not serve...

Best,
Mark not-even-a-runner-up Terry

[Jim Winter]

See, Tod? You're not an awful awful man anymore. You're working your way up to great awful man. Remember what I said about world class. With this title, you might achieve that by summer.

[Erin]

I think the best part is that if you click and buy Lee's book through the link, James collects an Amazon Associates kickback. Isn't that a little like PETA having a tipjar at KFC?

[Brian F]

I was going to send you a trophy for "Most Creative Use of the Word 'Fucktard'" but it's a rather rude shape and the acknowledgment pales in comparision to "Most Annoying Man in the Blogosphere."

[rob roberge]

it's an honor even to be nominated. thanks for thinking of me, Tod. :)

r

[Dean]

I'm sure I've run across Mr. Kosub's name somewhere else, but I can't put my finger on it.

[Bill Peschel]

To get his positive review, Lee didn't even have to send me a hardbound copy of his book. He sent me a PDF.

I'm not just a shill, I'm a cheap shill. And proud of it.

[P M Rommel]

I think Mr Kosub's wrong...Lee's at least 8.21% more annoying than you. Approximately.

[David Thayer]

I read the Amazon Whore post and wondered if 'wresting' was the word the man was searching for. You, Tod, are 'wresting the title away from Lee.' Or you have wrested. I wrest my case.

[SamMinnis]

Why do you think this guy hates you two so much? He has a post up today about your brother. He also has a post up today about how hard it is to find people to play D&d with anymore, so I maybe weigh out your anger in comparison.