All These Years, I've Been Doing It Wrong

An email arrived today that seemed very promising to me. So, as a public service, I thought I'd post it up here for all of you, too:

----- Original Message -----

From: Emiliya Ponomareva

To: todbg@msn.com

Sent: Tuesday, December 27, 2005 10:07 PM

Subject: Get Your Site To Work For You

Hi there, Webmaster!

I've just spent time browsing your Web site at

http://todgoldberg.typepad.com

Your content is closely related to our affiliate network, and I wondered whether you'd be interested in turning more of your visitors into hard cash?  :)

Our affiliate network currently pays out thousands each and every day, and I feel our Quick Cash Writing Course and Nick Daws Course products would be especially suited for your target audience.

We pay up to 50% commission on each sale, and pay instantly via a PayPal payment. There's no more waiting for monthly cheques -- plus we've just started paying on the second tier soon, so you could soon be earning money without even thinking about it!

Feel free to visit any of the following sites to learn more, and click on the "Affiliates" link at the top of the page to signup at any time:

Quick Cash Writing Course - http://www.quickcashwriting.com/writing/?afl=18571&int=AAM12

Nick Daws Course - http://www.writequickly.com/author/?afl=18571&int=AAM12

Thanks for your time. Any questions, do get back to me :)

Best wishes,

Emilia Ponomareva, myHelpHub.com

Affiliate Promotions

As you might imagine, this Quick Cash Writing Course sounded just like something I could use. I mean, hell, it takes months to get paid by my publishers, and then my agent takes her cut, and the IRS wants theirs, and Countrywide wants their payment, and the gas company and, well, you get the idea. If there was just some way I could take a class (and perhaps with the famous, uh, Nick Daws) about how to get quick cash through writing, well, I'd leap at the chance! Never mind that I could simply earn money by advertising the course, I could earn money by taking it!

So, ever the good zealot, I went over and checked the course out. And I must say, I was smitten by their sales pitch:

You see, the problem with writing is that it can be a very LONG process.  If you're a perfectionist, or lead a busy life, you might just find writing a book a little too daunting.  Or if you're already writing a book, you'll know that it can take MONTHS before you actually see the result: COLD, HARD CASH.

But what if you could get PUBLISHED and earn QUICK CASH... TODAY?

NO hours of slogging over a keyboard.  NO waiting for quarterly commission checks.  NO deadlines

So, let's see. No typing. No waiting for checks. No deadlines. What a great way to make money! Tell me more! Who is the evil mastermind who came up with this plan? Why, it's, uh, "bestselling" author Nick Daws!

Nick Daws is the author of over 40 best-selling books.  He wrote the hugely popular Write Any Book in 28 Days! course and knows the writing industry better than anybody else.

He knows the secrets, he knows the tricks... he knows the PEOPLE you need to know.

And in his latest course, Quick Cash Writing, Nick wants to personally show you EVERYTHING you need to make a GREAT living as a freelance writer.

Nick blasts open the doors of hidden writing markets that will pay COLD, HARD CASH to print your words.  He covers every method of writing for easy money: From product reviews to filler articles, from greeting cards to slogan writing, from readers' letters to photography, from short stories to comedy sketches, from TV game ideas to crosswords, brainteasers to movie pitches...

Yes, MOVIE PITCHES.  Your name could be on the next blockbuster by simply writing THREE LINES ... Nick shows you how. And he talks from experience.

HIS SECRETS WILL AMAZE YOU.  These jobs require almost ZERO effort, and will put you on the writing fast-track for quick CASH!

Over twelve jam-packed modules, Nick's course takes you from the basics through to more and more EXCITING writing jobs.
And you don't need ANY experience to get started... if you can string a sentence together, and you have the Quick Cash Writing course, you're READY to GET PUBLISHED.

Interested?  Let's discover what you'll learn when you let Nick Daws show you how to earn Quick Cash Writing.

Well, count me in, Nick. I'm calling my literary agent and my film agent tomorrow and kicking them to the curb. Who needs them when I can sell a movie with just THREE LINES! Let's try a couple on for size:

A scam writing instructor is stalked by space aliens who've been hoodwinked into believing they could sell a movie in three lines. Armed with phasers, lazers, and anal probes, the aliens go in search of the instructor, a man named Dick Naws. But when a hard-bitten Navy SEAL named Ted Goldborg finds out about the insidious plot, all hell breaks loose. 

He's a cop. She's a scam writing instructor. Together they fight crime and break rules...LIKE WRITING IN ALL CAPS FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

Beset by the awful loss of his mother, a scam writing instructor decides to exact justice on the men who killed her. Little does he know, but the men in question are alien spies sent from the planet Iptor bent on abducting the alien life form screaming out of Katie Holmes uterine wall. Even still, the scam writing instructor decides to invoke a little justice of his own...in 28 days of bloodshed!

Go ahead and send the check, Hollywood. I'm so glad Emilia contacted me about this great opportunity. Finally, my writing career might just take off! Maybe one day, I'll even be as big as Nick Daws.

(Say it with me, people: F U C K T A R D S)

Comments

[Graham]

...I wondered whether you'd be interested in turning more of your visitors into hard cash?

I'm not sure I want to be turned into hard cash - although I bet my wife would be interested.

[Bill Peschel]

Give your brother this great Nick Daws book, and I'll bet he'll dedicate his next "Monk" book to you.

"Five-Minute Crime Lateral Thinking Puzzles"

(Linking to amazon doesn't seem to work, but it doesn't matter; there's nothing more there but the title.)

[Brian]

But...but Tod...the course comes endorsed by a Fox Network producer. Surely you wouldn't dare impugn such an unimpeachable source as this?

I also find myself swayed by "guarantees" and "risk free" offers. Shiny.... pretty....

[Mark Moss]

I actually use this course and found your blog site when searching for Nick.

I don't want to sell it to you guys because most people ARE fucktards but the course is actually very good. If you look at the testimonials too these are real authors you can contact.

Don't give a flying fuck, just my 2C boys!

[lucy]

DO NOT waste your money on the Nick Daws course. It is on a CD which is protected, meaning you cannot use it easily on different pcs, and now I run Windows XP it will not work at all. I emailed the company and they say I have to pay another 15USD for a new version which will work. Take my advice and spend the money on a good old-fashioned printed BOOK that you can use where and when you like.

[Gordon]

The whole tacky marketing tangle surrounding Nick Daws needs thorough exposure. He runs a number of schemes with identical pitches: Essential English for Authors, Quick Cash Writing, Write Any Book in Just 28 Days and How to Win Contests, as well as at least one non-site, Stop Spam Email, that gives trivial anti-spam advice probably as a vehicle to host advertising.

It doesn't take a genius with Google to find these are part of a walled garden of sites on the WCCL Network affiliate marketing circuit, with a lot of names repeatedly cropping up with reciprocal endorsements. The Made by Mark blog a while back had a good analysis - the secrets of the sale - of the marketing techniques and how little the phrase "best-selling" means.

As to the blurb - "He enjoys a life of holidaying with his beautiful wife, playing his part as a regional celebrity, and occasionally putting finger to keyboard to write another book" - I spluttered my tea out! I met the guy a while back. His long-time partner, Jaynee (mentioned on his own website) would be surprised to hear that he's off holidaying with a wife. His local celebrity extends to being a member of Lichfield & District Writers, a small-cty writers' circle. And he holidays no more than the rest of us.

Those considering this course should ask themselves why, if he has such insider knowledge and is so successful, he needs to sex up his circumstances and why he needs this mess of marketing schemes.

[Gordon]

The whole tacky marketing tangle surrounding Nick Daws needs thorough exposure. He runs a number of schemes with identical pitches: Essential English for Authors, Quick Cash Writing, Write Any Book in Just 28 Days and How to Win Contests, as well as at least one non-site, Stop Spam Email, that gives trivial anti-spam advice probably as a vehicle to host advertising.

It doesn't take a genius with Google to find these are part of a walled garden of sites on the WCCL Network affiliate marketing circuit, with a lot of names repeatedly cropping up with reciprocal endorsements. The Made by Mark blog a while back had a good analysis - The Secrets of the Sale - of the marketing techniques and how little the phrase "best-selling" means.

As to the blurb - "He enjoys a life of holidaying with his beautiful wife, playing his part as a regional celebrity, and occasionally putting finger to keyboard to write another book" - I spluttered my tea out! I met the guy a while back. His long-time partner, Jayne (mentioned on his own website) would be surprised to hear that he's off holidaying with a wife. His local celebrity extends to being a member of Lichfield & District Writers, a small-city writers' circle. And he holidays no more than the rest of us.

Those considering this course should ask themselves why, if he has such insider knowledge and is so successful, he needs to sex up his circumstances and why he needs this mess of marketing schemes.

[Ann Isik]

I purchased Nick Daws' 'How to Write a Book in 28 Days' a couple of years ago. Personal circumstances have prevented me from spending more than 6 hours studying the course; yet this 6 hours enabled me to write my first paid-for article and to write a book that I intend to publish as a series of ebooks once my 'personal circumstances' enable me to get my web site updated and online again. This first 6 hours of study has also provided me with a good number of ideas for further projects.

May I just add that I feel that the obscenities contained in your review of Nick Daws' products detract somewhat from the credibility of what you write and in future reviews of other writers' works, you might like to consider dropping these from your vocabulary.

Best regards

Ann Isik

[tod goldberg]

Ann,

I'm happy you are happy with Nick Daws How To Write A Book In 28 Days. I am happy you will soon publish a series of ebooks. I am happy that you were paid to write an article. If you are happy, then, by god, I am fucking thrilled for you.

But here's the thing, Ann (and I know you already know this because I saw that you left a comment on Nick's blog, too, but for the reading public, I'll share it again): he's selling lies. Why don't you ask him how many of his clients have sold tv shows or movies based on his amazing secrets? And what, precisely, is the experience that he touts in his ad above? How many tv shows and movies has Nick Daws sold based on three lines. I won't make you look for the answer, I'll deliver it here: none. If you're happy to give him your money, then give away. If you want to be a fucktard, then I say go all in.

Or, if you like, you can take the advice of someone who actually does what Nick Daws sells (which is a pretty significant difference), and my advice is this: Take a stroll through the internet and see if anyone you've ever heard of, anyone whose books you've ever read, anyone who isn't a get rich quick huckster ever mentions the great help they got from the Nick Daws course. Go ahead. I'll be right here waiting to hear how that goes.

[David J. Montgomery]

The first question to ask of anyone who would give you writing advice -- much less anyone who would sell it to you -- is: What are your credentials?

In this case, it would be a short conversation, as this guy doesn't have any.

These scam artists are a dime a dozen, enabled by the easy prey of gullible people with email addresses. Anyone who would pay money for crap like this deserves to be taken advantage of.

[Emil Jung]

Teehee, throughly enjoyed the ranting about Nick Daws. Confession - I am a fucktard for actually purchasing this course. Guess now I have to use it to see what the fuss is about. If the books and articles listed by the best-selling Daws here: http://www.nickdaws.co.uk/biog.htm qualifies one to be a best-selling author, then by God, I guess I can be too! But being a fucktard I have to persist and maybe, just maybe, I can deliver that elusive masterpiece which will also qualify me as a best-selling author. Interestingly, Daws is not featured on your all-time fucktard list - then again, the lucky winners you do mentioned epitomises the true essence of fucktardedness.

[Ann]

If you are happy, then, by god, I am fucking thrilled for you.
And
If you want to be a fucktard, then I say go all in.

The above is what you wrote to me and about me. It's just been pointed out to me. I am sending it back to you as I do not accept obscene abuse. I really hope you will reflect on how YOU felt to receive such a communication. At the very least, it might reveal something to you that will improve your writing ability.

[tod goldberg]

Thank you for sending it back to me. Since I wrote it, receiving it back was like seeing an old friend...an old friend that was, uh, sitting right here the whole time. But anyway, Ann: I'm curious if you've used Nick's services further and if you've found you can now sell a movie in three lines or write a novel in 28 days? (I wrote one in 64 days recently, but I really wouldn't advise it...nor would I write a book about how to do it, since it's pretty boring -- sit down, type for 20 hours, repeat) Nice to hear from you again, Ann, and do self-google again when you get the chance.

[Jane]

Ann, those first three lines should have been two lines with proper quotation marks. Further, "obscene abuse" seems redundant. "Verbal abuse" or simply "abuse" would have been more effective.

Free guidance abounds on the internet.

[dweiums]

Wow, I just had to get in on all of this 'fucktardedness' (instead of sitting down and writing a fantastic treatment in less than 28 days - hell, it takes longer to do my hair)!
Great word 'fucktard'. So much better than 'refuck' . . . well maybe.

Anyway - has it not occurred to you Tod that dear Master Daws himself purchased the CD from Moviepitch.com and after viewing promptly said (and I don't quote) "Damn! I'd better get some sort of product based on this crap so I can make that 20 large back."

Yeah. It coulda happened.

[Eden]

Thanks. I was just about to buy this CD. What was I thinking!!! I thought I would just quickly google his name and check. Hugs to you.I suppose we are a bit gullible here in South Africa.

[James]

Actually, I think people in South Africa must be pretty stupid if they base their buying decisions on Tod Goldberg's obscene rantings.

[Tod Goldberg]

I think the odd thing, "James," is that you found this blog through the site stats for Nick Daws blog. I mean, you know, seems odd that some random person would be going through the referrer logs for a 3rd party's website to find blogs to visit, "James". Oh, and that comment would come from Lichfield, England, which is where, you know, Nick Daws actually lives. I mean, it's just really, really odd, "James".

[Tod Goldberg]

Oh, and James? Trying to hide yourself behind one of those proxy servers isn't working, either, so you can stop obsessively looking at the site through the presidency2008 one -- it's not working. I can still see you. See, unlike you, Nick, I won't delete your comment if you choose to leave one here. So you might as well use your own name and not be such a fucktard about things.

[caleb]

hi my name is caleb obviously and i was just wondering if you had any tips for me on writing because i have no problem coming up with ideas i just let my mind wander alot and therefore have started several stories but dont finish them can you offer any advice

[tod goldberg]

That's not a problem that can be answered just with a dash of advice, Caleb, I'm afraid. If I were you, I'd look into some writing workshop courses -- just not Nick Daws, obviously -- like those offered at UCLA Extension: http://www.uclaextension.edu/writers. Or, you might try picking up Josip Novakovich's excellent book The Writing Workshop, which would probably be very helpful.