Authors Behaving Badly

As most of you know, I'm not opposed to saying mildly offensive things in print or in private and, in fact, have managed to carve out a nice career in doing so. But, you know, fucktard this, fucktard that and stories about my own intestinal system don't naturally scream compassionate lover of people.  I also understand that most authors spend their days locked away in a frenzy of typing and perhaps don't get to spend much time out in the world with other people and so, when they do, they are sometimes inclined to dominate conversation and to speak off the cuff (see: Goldberg, Tod and Goldberg, Lee) and so perhaps we're given some latitude when we make total asses of ourselves.

Which leads me to Dean Koontz.

This weekend I attended a wonderful luncheon called Men of Mystery where 60-odd authors and 500-odd fans get to sit together and talk about books. It truly is a fantastic event filled with fervent book buyers, great conversation and a quite fine mushroom soup. Each year there are two keynote speakers who get up and speak for about 30 minutes or so about writing and their careers and even for a jaded man of letters like myself, it's usually quite interesting and entertaining (until you hear James Patterson ruminate on the writing process, I assure you that you have not lived), especially when writers I admire like Thomas Perry are the speakers in question. This year, however, the keynotes were handled by William Bernhardt (whose path I never crossed, which is probably for the good since I wrote a rather scathing review of his last novel) and Dean Koontz. Bernhardt did a nice job talking about his career and then was followed by Koontz, who told, for reasons I'm unsure of, a story about wanting his named removed from the movie version of his book Hideaway because, apparently, Alicia Silverstone was starring in it.

He then went on to read us the letters he'd sent to the Japanese chairman of the film company in question where he asked repeatedly to have his name removed from the film. The letters were about, generally, the US kicking Japanese ass in World War II, the inability of the Japanese to defend themselves against Godzilla, some more fascinating invective about the US defeating the Japanese, a touching bit about Pearl Harbor, another about the Bataan Death March, a touch more about the Japanese surrender and then, of course, a bit about Mothra, too. Each letter was addressed to "Mr. Teriyaki." (Internment camps were not mentioned in any of the letters, which I assume was a simple omission on Mr. Koontz's part and will be rectified in the future.)

Stunningly, the audience thrilled to the stories! The laughter cascaded about the room! People dabbed tears! Do you have any stories about your hatred of the Jews, Mr. Koontz? Any good ones about the Muslim world? How about a notation on some more racial stereotypes you've used when negotiating your name off other shitty movies?

Happily, author after author came walking to the back of the room in horror (more horror than is typically engendered by one of Koontz's books, no doubt) and wonder about what they were hearing. Did he really just tell a 15 minute story about the Japanese where he referred to the person in question as Mr. Teriyaki? Was the audience really laughing? Or, as Rob Roberge said, "Is he coming out in blackface next?"

It was one of the most surreal experiences of my writing life and one, it should be noted, that others had experienced before. Another writer said he'd heard Koontz give the same speech years before with a similar response. 

Comments

[mhs]

I was left with the strong impression that Dean Koontz is a nut. Or a fucktard. Or both. A nutty racist fucktard. (which is not like a Drumstick which is both nutty and filled with yummy chocolate)

The peals of laughter from the audience only confirmed my suspicions about that mysterious place called "The O.C."

[Lee Goldberg]

I just heard from Dean. He, um, wasn't very happy with me. I can only imagine how he'll feel about your observations. Tod. Suffice to say, I don't think he'll be blurbing your next book.

[Bill Peschel]

If he eviscerates a pair of brothers in his next book, you'll know that he felt the love.

[rob roberge]

it was pretty fucking amazing. and awful...and sad that it could happen...and totally fucking surreal that some people laughed...i was telling Tod that it reminded me of Krusty the Clown's racist routine on the Simpsons...though Krusty is, you know...a clown...and made up...and, in that scene, he's, you know, the idiot...

Koontz looked like a fool. no matter how mad he gets at Lee, Tod or anyone else.

It was creepy.

[ed]

Here's the question; why didn't anyone in the room publicly object to this racism? The wholesale endorsement by both those who laughed and those who "moved to the back of the room" strikes me as quite offensive.

[angela]

Y'know, it takes some balls to get up and make racist comments in front of people you want to keep buying your books. It's also odd that no one really objected--or at least in some way, shape or form. I mean, yeah, an Asian comic might be able to make some jokes, but Dean Koontz??? He should just stick to writing and try and keep that whole speaking thing to a minimum.

[Kristin]

Yikes. I guess people laughed the first time he gave it, so he figured it was worth recycling. Sadly, people laughed AGAIN. So in a few years, will he pull out this old gem one more time?

[Tod Goldberg]

Well, Ed & Angela, the audience fairly ate it up, so any protesting to go on would probably be done by those offended, which in this case were the other authors, who were surrounded by 550 laughing Dean Koontz fans. It was a fairly sublime event in that I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing and had to check with other people -- Did he just say that the war's been over for 50 years and invoke the Bridge Over The River Kwai in his attempt to get his name off of a film? -- and by the time it was over with, it was over with and we (and by we, I'd say there were a half dozen of us walking out talking about it) could only just sit around and say, "What the fuck was that?"

[Scribblista]

Your story reminds me about my own mixed feelings for Dean Koontz.
I read one of his novels on a plane once, and really, really disliked it. I can't remember its name, but it had a striking hyperkinetic yellow-orange cover.
That would have been the end of it, but a few days later I found myself at a job interview with a new media editor. Our conversation was awkward and tentative, until I recognized the same bright Koontz novel on the editor's bookshelf.
When I said I'd just read it, the editor's face lit up. Turns out he loved Koontz.
So, I did what any groveling job-seeker does, and quickly agreed, thereby forging a bond between us.
That's how I got the job. Though I continue to dislike Koontz. Now, more than ever.

[kevin]

thank you for enlightening us... dim as koontz is, i never imagined he could be such an ignorant racist. does he seriously think he can get away with such a ridiculously malicious monologue? guess that's why he'll never be more than a supermarket aisle author to me.

[Nas]

From what I've read and heard so far, Mr. Koontz is nothing short of idiotic, spouting insensitivity and racism. He has definitely lost this reader.

[Cesar]

Totally inexcusable, regardless of the levity that Koontz may have intended. A complete gaffe, as well as an utter disappointment, is the only thing I can call this.

[San Nakji]

It seems to be pretty fashionable to be racist against those from East Asia. No one objected because the average whitey couldn't care less. DK is a wanker of the highest order.

[Ray]

Really, I think that some people here are going overboard. I didn't hear this speech, so I guess I can't say whether or not it was inappropriate. However, this is eerily reminiscient of an argument I heard over Steven King's It, wherein many bloggers were complaining over Steven King's racism. And those of you who have never read him, don't judge him on this: read his work. He is nothing short of stunning in his later work.

[TMJ]

After reading my fifth Koontz book, I realized that all the books are generally the same, with varying plot lines that revolve around human evil and triumph. I was bored to tears. That is has some serious racial bias issues doesn't surprise me, but does shame me because he resides in my home state--the home of the most hate groups in the country (yep TX is a close second). I wonder how he keeps his true feelings out of his books. Maybe I should pull one off the shelf and look at it more closely...

[Danny Bee]

What Mr Koontz said and did in public was terrible, and a sad comment on the state of US society today. I am glad some bloggers protested publicly. Just like Norman Mailer recently got in some ant-Japanese digs at critic Kakutani of the NYTimes and he got away with it, call her a kamikaze critic, MAILER!, and I feel sad that America has come to this.....

[stephanie]

Hello! As an avid Koontz reader, I was realllly confused as to what happened to spark all this 'koontz is a f*tard' business... I got that he made a speech and racist comments but could I get some clarification? Thanks!

[dr. obvious]

Apparently Ms. Stephanie would like someone to hit her in the face with a hammer. He made a speech (a year ago!). He made racist comments. He's a fucktard.

[The Unknown]

Why in the hell does everyone want to join the hate bandwagon. Please tell me what is so racist about being funny? If you want to pull a racist card then please do yourself a favor and kill yourself now. For real who are you to criticize when you yourselves have probably made racist comments yourself. Thus making you equally as wrong. I'm not going to lie I've said racist things. Do they really matter? no. Do you seriously think he meant them in a serious context? I don't believe so, perhaps he called him Mr. Teryaki to cover up whom it really was? That is respect if you ask me. It doesn't matter what he made up the name to be. But at least he had the decency to make up a name and not disgrace the real name. So please get off the fucking hate wagon and open your eyes. We all make racist comments. It's life. Get over it.

[stephanie]

Alright alright I understand!! I didn't know about the speech (a year ago!) and fully comprehend the 'koontz is a f*tard' stand point. And I wouldn't particularly like to be hit in the face with a hammer. I have enough trouble with relationships as it is...

[Eric Newell]

I have been a Koontz reader for years and don't see a problem with what happened. He is such a funny guy in person and only means the best. His books are the best on the planet. I often fantasize about Dean Koontz and want to marry him if possible. Each word he writes paints a picture of a thousand words. Anyways, I wonder if mine and his paths will cross some day and we can have a hairy love fest and sexual explosions on each others stomaches.

[stephanie]

oookayyyyy....