I Understand His Running Mate Will Be An Uncomfortable Hunk Of Metal

Brilliant novelist and overall bon vivant Rob Roberge sent me a link to a website announcing Christopher Walken's Presidential Campaign. I'm assuming its a hoax because, well, it has to be a hoax. However, there are a few things noted in the text that do give me pause to consider that it all might be true. To whit:

Christopher Walken on Stem Cells:

"I'd met Chris Reeve several times before he died, and after having met him it is tough to be against [stem cell research]. I am for human knowledge and expansion of human life. If stem cells are one way to do that, I cannot support legislation to restrict this potentially life-saving research."

He'd met "Chris" Reeve several times. Not Christopher. Not Mr. Reeve. Not the guy who starred in Somewhere In Time (possibly the greatest movie ever made, incidentally...I mean, dude, the scene with the penny? The catatonic longing? The bad pop psychology? Fucking gold. Best part about Reeve dying was that they finally started showing that movie on cable again), but "Chris." If there's one thing I know about politicians and actors and sycophants the world over, if someone is known by a proper name and you get to call them by something different (like, say, Elmore Leonard as Dutch, Michael Jordan as Mike, Tod Goldberg as T-Money), you're 2 legit 2 quit. It's personal for "Chris" Walken and therefore I buy it.

Chris Walken on Military Funding:

"I am a huge supporter of the military. I have always thought of them as our guardians, and when our guardians are making less than the poverty line, and children are suffering because their parents decided to join the military, well, I get very upset. I feel that instead of sending billions to the Pentagon's pet projects, it should go to the troops."

Ah, the practiced sophisms of a true politician. The double speak. The call to emotions. Personally, I've understood Walken admiration for the military and the American people for several years. I think this statement said it all:

"This watch was on your Daddy's wrist when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp. Now he knew if the gooks ever saw the watch it'd  be confiscated. The way your Daddy looked at it, that watch was your birth right. And he'd be damned if some  slopeheads were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide somethin'. His ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you."

Now that's a platform I could get behind. Being President, as we know, is "hard work." And while things in Iraq are "going great" and morale is "high" and those insurgents are just about finished off and Americans are finally giving our current President the support he deserves (current approval rating: 45%), I'm all for getting a new president with a track record for getting prodding shit out of his ass.

Update: Too good to be true, Bob Sassone reports. On the upside, new polls indicate that the hoax website for Walken currently has a more cogent exit strategy in Iraq and higher overall approval ratings than Bush.

Comments

[Stephanie]

T-money?seriously tod? How old are we again?

[Tod Goldberg]

A boy can dream.

[Bob Sassone]

Yup, a hoax:

http://www.cinematical.com/2005/08/16/christopher-walken-for-president/

[Jim Winter]

Still, if the scariest man alive were president... With Willem Dafoe as veep, no less... we'd win the War on Terror like Germany marching into Fr...

Um...

Bad analogy.

Forget I said that. Prank caller! Prank caller!

[Mike Barer]

Anyone looks better than what we have right now.

[Stephanie]

Hey T-Money! Just letting you know that you, out of all the authors I read (countless) are the only one that has made me laugh. Good job!

[Stephanie]

Hey T-Money! Just letting you know that out of all the authors I read (countless), you are the only one that has made me laugh. Good job!