My Happy Place

It was pointed out to me today that I write a lot about what pisses me off and angers me and what I vehemently dislike and that I rarely point out what it is I'm fighting for. My sense was to respond that I'm not fighting for anything, and that I find it odd that I need to italicize the word for, as if people wouldn't get the impression from the sentence itself...I mean, what's wrong with you people? See. There I go again. Anyway. While it's true I do find the world riddled with fucktards (and that I, too, am likely a fucktard), I don't want everyone to think I'm a total anti-hero. So, as of late, this is what I like:

Six Bad Things by Charlie Huston

Double Cross Blind by Joel Ross

Mint Mocha Chip Frappacinos and stealing the NY Times from Starbucks.

Battlestar Galactica, people who like Battlestar Galactica, and the fucktards trying to revive the original (from the bottom of my heart, I demand to see Noah Hathaway returned to prime time).

That every time I visit Elizabeth Crane's blog, I think, "You know, one day I have to email her and tell her that I think she has a strong resemblance to Dave Pirner, the lead singer of Soul Asylum."

Cruisers by Craig Nova

That my friend Kristin, who was my editor at a terrible publishing house that rooked us all, and then my boss at UCLA, is going off to law school in Minnesota  this week to become a lawyer so she can fight for the rights of the little man, provided the little man works in publishing and needs a lawyer. (I'm thinking that by the time she's passed the bar, I'll have received at least one cease and desist order from Parade Magazine and will need her guidance.)

The Oakland A's.

Jose Canseco on the Surreal Life. I hate Jose Canseco with an unholy passion and am enjoying the sight of him playing second fiddle to Balkie on the freak-o-meter. (And I also like that man in drag Omarosa -- he almost looks like a woman!)

There's a guy who lives across the street from me and every time I see him I try to say something odd. It's a weird thing, I know, but I find him vastly annoying for wearing sansabelt pants with a belt, and for the weird way he walks to the mailbox and then slowly opens all of his mail in the street while running the gamut of emotions, alternately shaking his head, smiling, grimacing, nodding, tapping on the letter as if waiting for an elevator. You get the idea. Today, we had the most glorious conversation in the street:

Him: Sure is hot.

Me: Not as hot as some places.

Him: It must be 116 today.

Me: 116 isn't so bad when you've got your freedom and aren't caged up like an animal. Believe that.

Him: (staring)

Me: (staring)

Him: Well you have a nice day.

Me: Every day on the outside is nice, right.

Him: (walking away, pretending to read his mail)

I walk inside and encounter Wendy.

Wendy: Were you just talking to the neighbor?

Me: Yes.

Wendy: What did you say to him?

Me: I intimated that I'd done a little time.

Wendy: You're an idiot.

Comments

[Karen Scott]

Tod, why did you intimate to him that you'd done time?

Did he look like the kind of guy who would climb through your window at night and do unmentionable things to you? Maybe he's Tono?

[Betsy]

So does that mean that maybe Winona Ryder would date me?

I have to concede that side by side, those photos look freakishly alike. And it's true, we've never been sighted in the same place.

But come on, I'm much cuter than Dave Pirner.

[Dean]

Betsy, you are much, much cuter than Dave Pirner. In fact, you are so much cuter than Dave Pirner that the mere thought of you and Winona out on a hot date makes me slaver with dimwitted hetero male lust.

As for you, Tod, I have to learn not to read this blog at work. People are starting to think that I'm a fucktard because two mornings out of five I laugh out loud and then spend five minutes chuckling and snorting to myself. This morning was no exception, and my insane merriment was only throttled back when Betsy suggested that she and Winona might be stepping out Real Soon Now.

[Tod Goldberg]

The question should not by why, Karen, but why not? Sometimes I simply do things to entertain myself.

[Betsy]

Thanks, guys, I feel better now, and Dean, the only reason no one thinks I'm a fucktard for laughing so hard is because I work (insert your own air quotes) at home.

[Stephanie]

Does Wendy have a blog? I hope she does. I would love to read her blog.

[Mike Barer]

Surreal Life runs on the premise that despicable has beens are funny. The show is about as an H and R Block tax consultant.
Your A's are always hot in the latter half of the season but they peter out in the playoffs. Oh well the Mariners are not going to the play-offs anytime soon.

[David Thayer]

Jose wears Sansabelt when patrolling right field and to book signings. Wouldn't a belt just spoil the look?

[Carolyn]

To Betsy: I once dated a guy who had, drunkenly, mistaken Dave Pirner for a girl he was dating before. To the extent that he came up behind him, threw him in a clench and smooched him until they came up sputtering. Which just goes to show that Dave Pirner looks like YOU.

[Jaynie R]

I like reading about what pisses you off - it's usually written in a very witty entertaining way that has me laughing from the first sentence.

I'm thinking your wife must be blessed with great patience *g*

[Karen Scott]

Tod, I thought you were gay? I was hoping you'd let me be your fag hag...

[Betsy]

Carolyn, that is hilarious!

[Gomez]

I get really tired of people logging on and telling bloggers, "You know, you're far too negative, and I never hear say anything positive, blah blah...." It happens to me, it happened to you, and it's happened to a lot of my colleagues.

First of all, it's a completely untrue statement, as many of us do point out things we liked, found awesome, great experiences, just as much as we go into diatribes about things we don't like, hated or can't stand. But for some reason, you write two or three diatribes in a row, and someone's flowers and puppy dogs world is completely shattered.

Secondly, where else can one vent their frustrations in well-thought-out and explained frustration once and for all and get on with their lives than a blog? Should we just keep our opinions to ourselves if we find something unpleasant?

I just think that 'you've been really negative with your blog lately' has become another fad that needs to go away right now.

[angela]

Tod! You always make me laugh until I'm ready to pee my pants. I have dubbed many a co-worker a fucktard and think you have a wonderful sense of humor, even if you're pessimistic--And for the record, you always have a least one crazy neighbor in those gated communities!