If You Could All Refer To Me Now As Tod Thirteen Hawks, I'd Really Appreciate It
According to the book jacket and press materials for The Traveler, the author "John Twelve Hawks lives off the Grid." What the bio fails to mention and what the publisher might have failed to note was that, "John Twelve Hawks doesn't know how to write dialog." In addition, "John Twelve Hawks never was told that pages and pages of expositional dialog broken up with meaningless secondary action isn't engaging." Also, and I found this really interesting, "John Twelve Hawks has never met a cliche he didn't like, but if there's one he is particularly good at, it's the secret lab that is guarded by the highest of high tech wizardry, but which you can break into by lifting up a metal air conditioning grate just outside the grounds." Finally, and perhaps Mr. Twelve Hawks will discuss this once he's unmasked and it turns out he's actually Rod McKuen, "John Twelve Hawks can write his way out of a toilet, but it should be a very shallow one, and one that has seen all of the Highlander movies."
All that being said, it's the perfect weekend summer reading -- mindless entertainment that engages you while the neighbor kids piss in your pool.
such a good recommendation for such a specific situation.
hey tod (and i'm SURE you've written at length on this topic elsewhere but it's all about me right now, okay?) if i were to start reading tod goldberg this week (instead of starting ulysses, like i'm supposed to), which tod goldberg book should i be reading? youth wants to know.
Posted by: mernitman | July 24, 2005 at 01:07 AM
John Twelve Hawks is, in fact, Dan Brown. Same editor. Secret identity. Huge promotional budget. Different agents, sure, but that's a clever ruse to throw, um, -me- off the scent (as is, of course, all other evidence which might disprove my theory).
Brown's career wasn't doing so well. He and his editor dreamed this up. Da Vinci Code happened. They decided to push this as the Next Big Thing. And they would've gotten away with it, too, if not for those meddling kids ...
Posted by: adam | July 24, 2005 at 04:33 AM
I'm beginning to think that Dan Brown is actually hiring people to go around and spread the rumor that he's Hawks. (He's just weird enough to do it!) I keep seeing this pop up on backblogs, even though it's obviously false on the face of it.
Posted by: David J. Montgomery | July 24, 2005 at 07:17 AM
Tod,
That's all fine, but did you like the book or not?
Tex
Posted by: tex | July 24, 2005 at 08:12 AM
David:
That's all me, actually, on the backblogs: a one-man effort to claim JTH and DB are the same person--despite, as you say, the sheer idiocy of the idea.
I -wish- Brown was paying me. If I had a nickle for every statement of sheer idiocy, I'd buy JK Rowling and get change back.
Posted by: adam | July 24, 2005 at 08:58 AM
In all the articles on this book no one ever mentions the obvious. If the author is truly living off the grid (he allegedly only speaks to his editor and agent using phones with voice scramblers) then how is he getting paid? It's not like a publisher or agency is going to issue a check without a taxpayer's ID of some sort attached.
Posted by: Harry Hunsicker | July 24, 2005 at 10:57 AM
Billy, I'd start with Living Dead Girl, then I'd purchase several dozen copies of Simplify for friends and neighbors and yourself.
Tex, I did enjoy the book in the same way I enjoy movies like I, Robot: I sat there and thought, "This is the dumbest shit I've ever read," but the pool was full of screaming kids and so I had to focus on something.
Posted by: Tod Goldberg | July 24, 2005 at 02:09 PM
Your post makes glad about two things: I don't have a pool and I don't remember anyone since John Smallberries named John.
Posted by: David Thayer | July 25, 2005 at 04:13 PM
Does anyone know if copyrights have to be in the author's real name? My memory is that every book I have read where the author uses a pseudonym, his/her real name is on the copyright page, but then, I haven't read every book in the world. John Twelve Hawks is the owner of the copyright.
Posted by: Jambkie | July 28, 2005 at 04:46 PM
Copyrights are often under names under than the author, although usually it would be assigned to the publisher or a corporation. (For example, Mike Connelly's books are copyrighted to "Hieronymus, Inc." or something similar.)
If your point is that you think "John Twelve Hawks" is his real name, you should know that his agent, while maintaing that the b.s. cover story is true, admits that the name is fake.
Posted by: David J. Montgomery | July 28, 2005 at 05:32 PM
If you go to www.writerswrite.com/writersblog and scroll down a little more than half way, there is an article titled "John Twelve Hawks Living Off the Grid". It is by his editor. He says he doesn't know who he is or even if it's a "he" but that the name is fake, but I'm wondering if that is just "hiding in plain sight". Because, he also says the guy has a 15-year-old car. If he is "off the grid" that means he doesn't have a license, so is he driving illegally? Also, Doubleday has to know who he really is because they must notify the IRS (read, "grid") that they are paying him. Also, he supposedly lives in New York, L.A. and London, three of the biggest cities in the world. He pays rent or has a mortgage (or maybe he lives in his 15-year-old car!) and you need lots of money to live in those places. I don't think it's Dan Brown--their writing is too different, but I don't believe JWH lives "off the grid" either. But, hey, it's selling books.
Posted by: Jambkie | July 28, 2005 at 06:42 PM
Oops! I meant JTH, not JWH.
Posted by: Jambkie | July 28, 2005 at 06:44 PM
You maybe interested in this site Live Off The Grid which explores the implimentation of the ideas in John Twelve Hawks The Traveler.
Posted by: Josiah | July 31, 2005 at 05:32 AM
Very interesting site I congratulate
Posted by: Cell | July 31, 2006 at 01:10 AM
Very interesting site I congratulate
Posted by: Cell | July 31, 2006 at 01:10 AM