Did You Hear The One About Helen Keller & The Bluebook?

In my Thursday night class I happen to have two teenagers -- which is odd for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that they seem exceptionally intelligent and engaging, if not prone to saying "like" more than the other folks -- and this evening we critiqued the younger of the two students, who happens to be a 16 year old young woman. "Do you know what I was doing when I was 16?" I asked her after we finished up with her pages.

"No, what we're you doing?"

"Nothing," I said. "Not a damn thing." I thought then about what, exactly, I was doing when I was 16 and while nothing wasn't totally accurate, it was pretty close. "I told a lot of Helen Keller jokes, I know that." The class stared back at me with blank faces. "Do kids today know about  Keller?" Both of the teenagers said that yes, they were aware of the woman. "Did you make jokes about her?" No, they said, because it wasn't politically correct.

I was astounded. What child grows up without making several hundred Helen Keller jokes? I then remembered several other staples of my childhood that simply aren't mentioned anymore: Ink poisoning (which stopped me from writing on myself with ball point pens and magic markers), lead poisoning (which stopped me from, presumably, eating my pencil, or shanking punks in the chow line with my #2 unless I wanted to go down on a murder beef), Indian burns (the terribly painful twisting of skin that somehow was assigned a Native American designation), scantrons & bluebooks (the teenagers had never heard of a blue book...and yet, I dream of them about once a month, the setting usually a classroom in Sierra South at Cal State Northridge, the topic to be discussed: Ode on A Grecian Urn), Houdini (I had a lot of conversations about Houdini when I was a kid with other kids. Of course, I thought Tony Curtis was Houdini, but never mind that), scamming (As in, "I heard Dan Brear was scamming on Holly Coe," or the past tense, "Jim fully scammed on Carey."), and, well, even more Helen Keller jokes.

Of course, I also remember a series of jokes starring a boy named Johnny Fuckerfaster (the punch line was always something like, "I'm trying! I'm trying!") that simply paralyzed me with hysterics at the time but that I've not heard kids repeating, which makes me think that, well, maybe kids today simply have a better sense of what is funny. But still: Can we get the kids back on the Helen Keller wagon before our next generation loses her forever? And get a blue book in their hands before the horror of in-class essays is forever relegated to laptops!

Comments

[Karen Scott]

I'm with the kids, I don't think I'd be amused by any of the Helen Keller jokes, it seems awfully crass to make fun of someone who positively impacted millions of lives, all over the world.

[Clair Lamb]

Oh... I'll speak on behalf of the Helen Keller jokes. I also remember a whole series of jokes that went something like, "What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs?" "Mat." "What do you call him when you throw him off the boat?" "Bob," which we all used to think were HILARIOUS.

And not to get too psychoanalytic about it, but I think these jokes are part of a process that teaches us compassion. Joking about terrible things is better than ignoring them; it makes them less scary, and gives children, in particular, a way to sidle up to them rather face them head-on.

[Jim Winter]

I wasn't a big fan of Helen Keller jokes, either. Actually, the one kid I went to school with who told them constantly went on to become a serial rapist, so that really colors my opinion.

OTOH, I have fond memories of Johnny Fuckerfaster, whom I remember as Johnny Farther. ("Any farther and I'll be behind her!")

[Kristy]

I have never heard of a blue book, nor have I ever seen one until TODAY. I will never forgive myself for laughing at the worst (politically and on all levels INCORRECT) joke in my teenage years.

How do scientists know that Christa McCullough had dandruff?

They found her head and shoulders on the beach.

C’mon tho I was young and laughed and then…then…..the wrath of the horrific’ ness befell me and all who laughed along.

Just to prove that HK jokes are not dead…..

Q: What did HK's parents do to punish her?
Gave her bird-seed to read.

Oh…..did I just hear a giggle? Oh....one last thing BLAST you Tod G for not mentioning dead baby jokes....you mighta got your blog banned in at least 10 countries.

[David J. Montgomery]

I love Helen Keller jokes! I think you're right, though, she isn't nearly as well known to this generation as she was to earlier ones. She actually had quite an interesting (and controversial) life, but most people don't seem to know anything other than the story in The Miracle Worker. Almost nobody knows that she was a Communist and one of the more prominent activists of the first quarter of the 20th century, was involved with the founding of the ACLU, and a supporter of Margaret Sanger and the NAACP (as well as the Russian Revolution).

On a more frivolous note, though...Being offended by a tasteless joke is silly. The only offensive jokes are the un-funny ones.

[Brainster]

Johnny F*ckerfaster was the first dirty joke I ever heard (around 3rd grade). But the punchline was "I'm f*ckin' her as fast as I can, Mom!"

[tex]

And, echoing Clair's torso boy jokes, there's the one about the kids who showe up at the poor lad's house to ask his mother if he can come out for some sandlot baseball.

"But Billy, you know Johnny hasn't any arms or legs."

"We know that, Mrs. Fuckerfaster. We need him to be third base."

[JJ]

At the sight of that blue book, I simply put my head on my desk and wept.

[mhs]

Sadly, my kids don't know any Helen Keller jokes. (c'mon... "How did HK burn her fingers?" "Reading the waffle iron!" that shit is fun-ny)

If video killed the radio star, I don't know who killed Helen Keller jokes... Batman?

[kitty]

What's a blue book?

[Linda]

Whew! For a second there I was worried you were going to call Helen Keller a fucktard.

[David J. Montgomery]

Helen Keller was a bit of a fucktard when it came to some of her political beliefs.

More importantly, though, I just heard that Frankie Muniz (Malcolm in the Middle) is marrying a Playboy Playmate!

That'll last...

[sxKitten]

Oh, so many memories ... Helen Keller jokes were funny, but the dead baby jokes were awesome! Hell, anything that made your mom cringe was good. Blue books, on the other hand, were bad.

Political correctness is fine in its place, but I think we do need to laugh at the horrible stuff, too. And learn when we need to be PC and when we can relax. It's a lot healthier than keeping ourselves locked down all the time.

[Stephanie]

I am a teenager and I have been reading your blog for a long time (more than a year) and beofre that I enjoy your columns and I will like to add that there is still hope for some of us 'mindless' teenagers, there are still Helen Keller jokes being pass around, mostly when we're bored.

[Stephanie]

I am a teenager and I have been reading your blog for a long time (more than a year) and before that I enjoyed your columns and I will like to add that there is still hope for some of us 'mindless' juveniles, there are still Helen Keller jokes being pass around, mostly when we're bored.

[Stephanie`]

Whoops. I posted twice. Sorry Tod! Hey, on one of them 'before' is spell wrong.

[JDRhoades]

I asked my son, 13, if he'd heard any Helen Keller jokes. He looked at me in total confusion and and asked "Helen Who?"

To kids now, it's like making Calvin Coolidge jokes.

[David J. Montgomery]

Dusty, I know a Calvin Coolidge joke! I used to tell it to my students.

Now that I think about it, though... they never did laugh.

[Burl Barer]

Q: What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
A: Suede

That's the only one I remember.

Uncle Burl

[heller kellen]

Hi! I was wondering if you could tell me some of those Hellen Keller jokes you're talking about because I've never heard any and neither has she.

[carolyn]

i think it is our responsiblity as generation-whatever we are, i think you and i are in the same one, to bring back not only the helen keller jokes specifically but non PCness in general.

my dad loves to call me up and whisper things like "i just threw away a big hunk of tinfoil! don't tell your mother!" and i just spent two weeks in australia using completely inappropriate racial slurs with some rowdy australians who don't have the same kind of racial issues we have here/altho they definitely do have them.

[Mike]

Johnny Fuckerfaster was an inspiration to all of us old farts. I first heard that lame ass joke over 50 years ago. First dirty joke I ever heard in fact! I doubt modern kids have ever heard of him but Long Live Johnny Fuckerfaster, pride and joy of the Fuckerfaster family!

[Jerry]

I am a teenager and i think that HK jokes are hilarious, even though they aren't pollitically correct, which i think makes them funnier. Thats why we laugh at fat jokes, or ethnic jokes, we want to laugh at the taboo, if not we would all be a bunch of tight-asses, loosen up, jeez

[ninja]

the jokes kids now have are: pirate, yo momma, and chuck norris

[ninja]

"There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.",

"Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

why couldn't the kid go to the pirate movie? it was rated R

Yo momma is so fat, bill gates couldn't pay for her lipo suction

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

[Kathryn Anderson]

Bluebook? No clue.
Helen Keller? Hell yes I know her!
Well I guess I don't know her personally, but I know of her, and I also know the jokes. As a young tot of 16 one saturday morning at a speech meet, I was told my first Helen Keller joke. Along with many, many, dead baby jokes. People can be offened with them all they want. My solution. If you don't like them, you don't have to listen to them.

[Brad Wilson]

The Smith boys, my friend Fred, and I used to go to the shit house in Dean Park to smoke cigarettes and tell the same dirty jokes over, and over, and over!

Up there in the Top 10 was the saga of Johnny Fuckerfaster and Susie Pee ... the traveling salesman and the automatic milking machine ... and the beautiful young virgin and the bald-headed mouse.

Kids these days don't know what they're missing.

I loved crafting answers to essay exams in Blue Books

[Samara]

oh man, ok i'm 16 and living amongst the teenagers today, and i have shared quite a few helen keller and dead baby jokes around. i've never heard of johnny fuckerfaster or suzie pee lol but i have got to say that of the majority or people i know, helen is not dead amongst us.

helen keller went to town riding on a ponny stuck a feather in her hat and called it MUAAAAAAANNNNNMUAAAAAAANNNNNNNNMEEEEEEEEAAAAAAA. lol. kills me everytime

[mikey m]

johnny f was 1st joke i heard in '56, second was WWII joke: a jap soldier sees a GI dead on a barbwire fence and says,"Looky-looky, balls on hookey!"

[mikey m]

after 35 yrs in hotels and restaurants i know it is sick jokes that help us overcome the stress at work...here's one i wrote a yr after SUPERMAN, Christopher Reeve died....HAVE YOU HEARD THE POSTHUMOUS ALBUM OF SUPERMAN? It's called, CHRISTOPHER REEVE UNPLUGGED!!!!

[Suzanne]

Im 16 and I hear and tell tons of Hellen Keller jokes, theyre the best XD

[Paula Williams]

How about Rastis and Lieza jokes? Rastis and Lieza moved above a train tressel and Rastis climbed out on the tressal and when Lieza saw him she said " Rastis you come down here right now before a Train blows you off" and Rastiz says " Come on Train , Come on!"

[Paula Williams]

Rastis and Lieza were making love in some bushes in a park when three little boys came up on them. A Policeman went to investigate what the three little boys were looking at and arrested Rastis and Lieza for indecent exsposer. The three little boys weresummoned as witnesses. The day of court finely came and the judge called the first little boy up and asked "what were Rastis and Lieza doing?" The first little boy replied " they was fucken" . The judge slammed his gavel down proclaiming "10.00 dollars for profain language". He called the second little boy up and asked him " "What were they doing?" The little boy replied " they was fucking" Again the judg slammed his gavel down stating " 10.00 for profain language" . The judge called up the third little boy and asked "what was they doing?" The third little boy cocked his head sidways and smiled and said, " ten toes up, ten toes down, two little asses going around and around, six inches out, six inches in- if that's not fucking, here's my Ten!

[Ron Jackson]

Had someone come up to me the other day and ask if I was going to go to a Helen Keller Days celebration here in Alabama. I told them I'd neither seen or heard anything about it... They never figured it out...

[james]

Q.What did Helen Keller say when she fell off a cliff?

A. (Silently mouth the word "Help!!" and make it in mock sign language).

Yes, it was a bit cruel. I still recall it years later though.

[Patty gray]

This has been the most therapeutic web-trawl I've ever made. I suddenly remembered. The "looky looky balls on hooky" punch line but could not remember the rest of the joke. Why I needed to find out, I can't say, but it occurred to me to run a web search. I lucked into this long-running thread. I just spent 15 minutes howling with laughter, until my husband finally insisted I let him in on it. It turns out he remembers some of these old sIck jokes too - and he grew up in East Germany. Childhood sick humor is a truly trans stionsl phenomenon!