Your Personal Writer's Conference Guidebook

I've spent the afternoon gathering up materials for a writer's conference I'm teaching at this weekend and a familiar feeling of dread began to descend upon me. What are the odds, I thought, that someone attending this conference will corner me in the bathroom and begin firing questions at me while I ponder if my urine is the correct color or if I'm slowly dying of kidney failure?

Good, I decided. Very good. So, if you happen to be one of the people attending the conference this weekend and are now busy Googling the instructors you're interested in, or if you'd just like a handy-dandy guidebook for future conferences, irrespective of my attendance therein, here are a few quick and easy steps that will make your conference experience a winning one. (And you can replace the word "me"  with Richard Ford or Mona Simpson or whomever you see fit according to whatever conference you're attending.)

1. If you see me popping Tums like they're M&Ms and I'm running toward the bathroom holding my small intestine, please do not stop me to talk about my thoughts on self-publishing.

2. Don't take any "how to get published" courses. No one knows "how to get published." Furthermore, don't take any classes on "how to find an agent" or "how to write a bestseller" or "how to make an American quilt." Unless there are hotties already enrolled in these courses. There aren't a lot of hotties at writer's conferences, but there are a lot of people trolling for a good, decent, literary sympathy fuck, so if you're one of those people, and you're not totally hideous, by all means, follow the hotties into "how to write an Anakin/Luke SlashFic that sells," and hope for the best.

3. Please don't present me with anything velobound.

4. Don't expect to actually find an agent. I've been to a lot of writer's conferences as a speaker, as a teacher and as an attendee and what I can tell you is that if you're attending a writer's conference in hopes of attracting a literary agent, your odds are small. Why? Well, it's a Natural Selection thing. You might be the best of the crop at the conference and thus your work might shine brightly to the agent who has spend 9 minutes reading it, but the fact remains that you're probably not the best of what he or she has on their desk on any given day. Yes, people do get agents at these things, or at least they get asked for a full submission, but percentage-wise the number who actually hook up here is small. Just for an example, my agent told me not too long ago that she gets something like 1000 queries a month and, on average, takes on none of them.

5. Don't take a novel writing course from someone whose novel is self-published.

6. Try not to cheat on your spouse. If there is one thing I know about these conferences, it's that, invariably, on Day 2 that guy who wore his conference badge out of the hotel like a fucking Shriner and kept talking about how his wife "gave me this conference as a present...she knows I can write a thriller better than Clancy...and she saved me from the bottle, too," will have hooked up with that woman with the floral print dress who energetically showed everyone pictures of her three children and referred to them as her "heartbeat...the reason I'm here at all..."  and her husband as "the third most important man in my life, other than Jesus and George W. Bush..."  and they'll be sitting next to each other at lunch that afternoon talking like they're living out The Bridges of Madison County. Don't do it. Think about the kids. And Jesus. And George W.

7. Don't ever say, "Can I buy you a drink and talk some shop with you after the workshop?" Why? I don't know. I've just never liked the term talk some shop. Plus, after the workshop I've got a standing date with one of my friends to talk about the craziest person in the class and that might be you.

8. Don't be a fucktard. I know this is nebulous, so let me explain. Don't call yourself pre-published. Don't write treatments. Don't ask me to write your idea for you . Don't say motif. Don't say vis-a-vis. Don't be mean to waiters. Don't pitch me. Don't tell me you'd write a book if you only had the time. Don't look for the backdoor. Don't tell me Lee is better looking than me. Don't complain when someone gives you honest criticism. Don't spend all that money to attend a conference and spend the whole time drunk in the bar talking about the time you met "Ray" Carver. Don't call Elmore Leonard "Dutch" unless you know him personally.

9. No, I really don't want to keep in touch.

10. Stop attending writer's conferences. Really. If you're one of those people who travels the world attending writer's conferences and, yet, you never sell anything, maybe that's because you spend too much time going to writer's conferences. And only go to conferences where someone is teaching you something, not where you have to sit in a huge room and listen to a panel of people talking about themselves for two hours. But really: stop attending writer's conferences. Go home and write.

Comments

[Harry]

What perfect timing.

Tomorrow I'm going to Writers Weekend http://www.writersweekend.com/ . I'm not sure if it's a "conference" or not, but I think it is. I've never been to one before. But now I know not to be a fucktard. Wait'll I tell my wife. She'll be so glad!

Actually, I wasn't planning to do any of those things, not even say "motif," but one of the speakers there is a local small press publisher that I want to avoid. I took a class that she taught several years ago, and the last time I saw her he was planning a anthology that had a $70 entry fee. The bucks were supposed to be for the crit you would get when your story was rejected. I took a pass on that opportunity.

Anyway, I'm going tomorrow and some of it looks cool. One of the speakers is supposed to be a police officer who'll talk about real world CSI. It should be fun.

And hey, if it sucks, at least they'll feed me.

[teresa]

I hope you're writing fantasy or romance because that's what most of the writers and all of the agents specialize in. I looked into going to since I live nearbye, but none of the people look like they publish work in my genre. Where are you teaching, Tod?

[kitty]

Okay, I won't corner you in the bathroom and tell you Lee is better looking.

[Harry]

teresa, I'm writing fantasy. I've read and admired books by some of the authors there, and a couple of the speakers work at a great publisher. I'm not planning to actually talk to anyone, but I'm interested in hearing what they have to say.

And they're feeding me. Did I mention the food?

[Graham]

Tod, if someone corners you, just say, "Sorry, I'm Lee," and watch them slink away, crushingly disappointed.

[Tono Rondone]

What dreary turgid claptrap. Another pontification from Tweedledum, luring naive students into thinking this fraud has anything to teach them about literature. This nerd copycat sellout wanttabe couldn't author himself a literary opus if it was delivered to him by Hemmingway's ghost. This running scared fake can't write a real novel any more than he can teach others creative writing. He'll just take your money and run laughing all the way to the bank. Save your bread and read real literary artists, and then live life away from this artificial and hypocritical medium of subtrefuge and shuck and jibe. Don't buy the hype of Lee and Tod, the twin geeks of pretense and substanceless, vile purveyors of scorn for honest artists not brown nosings to the media moguls for fat checks for dumb meaningless and substanceless pulp fiction pretending they are literary authors and high class journalists.

[P M Rommel]

Hmmm, Tono. Bitter, much?

[anonymous]

I can be Tono or Tod. Let's look at the pros and cons:

TONO THE REAL WRITER
No publisher will touch his crap.
No reader will read his crap.
No bookstore will carry his crap.
No reviewer will review his crap.

TOD THE NERD SELLOUT WANNABE
Publishers buy his books
Readers read his books
Bookstores sell his books
Reviewers review his books

I think I prefer being the nerd sellout wannabe that the bitter jerk who refuses to face reality (which is he's a lousy writer).

[Tono Rondone]

TODDLER THE DRIBBLER

Writes me too books publishers tell him to write, copycat imitative gargabe fit for the trash heap immediately

Propogandized readers buy his books and are disappointed or brain dead and enjoy his mediocrity

Bookstores in conspiracy with the corporate dictators sell his trash because they'll told to

Reviewers paid off by the publishing houses and the agents review his travesty and call it literature (but I doubt it)

TONO THE TIGER

Writes the books he wants to writes, and commercially concerned financially driven publishers won't touch his art because it's original and imaginative

Readers read his books and like them. Fearlessness, heroicism, imagination and guts to do it yourself and not take orders about what to write or what will sell intrigues and stimulates them

No bought and paid for reviewer will review his books but private citizens will and do -- favorably

The whining of an LA prostitute protesting my busting of his facade. You're just a pot maker, just a craftsman at best, and maybe not even that good at it. But to consider yourself an artist, an original thinker and a groundbreaking new literary voice of the people, well, that would be just too much misplaced hubris and false bravado.

Take your fake liar cheat title and admit that the title is a perfect description of yourself.

[David J. Montgomery]

Hey Tono, what happened to that Philadelphia Inquirer review you were boasting about?

[blaine]

He's delusional. I wonder if he hears voices, too? Maybe from Outer Space.

[tonouno]

David, what happened to anybody talking about your art, your literature? I offered to send you free a book, to which you did not respond. I could tell you about Frank Wilson and his lie, but what would be the point. You scrouge me because you have nothing worthy of comment in your deflated bag of worthless jibes and slurs. You've done nothing and you're pissed because I have been working in the arts for decades. You are so weak that you don't offer anything of yourself but lambast me at every occasion. I feel sorry for you, you obviously have no life, so this stupid criticism for its own sake is your idea of a statement. Yet you've offered nothing yourself as art.

[Lee Goldberg]

You've done nothing and you're pissed because I have been working in the arts for decades.

He's nailed you, David. Admit it, you're jealous of Tono. You can only dream of self-publishing a book that nobody wants to read.

[David J. Montgomery]

After decades, Lee. Decades!

[confused]

Got here by accident and read a few lines here. I forgot what I was looking for and I think you are all weird.