Signifying Nothing

Dear Oprah,

It’s been a while since the last time we spoke, so I hope this letter finds you and your man servant well. Summer is upon us and I know that’s a tough time for you and your fiction picks. What is light enough for an outdoor picnic, but heavy enough to get you through those sultry Body Heat kind of nights? What will stimulate the mind, but also provide decent noon-time chatter on your talk show? What will be narrated by several unreliable narrators and will make as much sense to the common reader as, say, Where The Heart Is made to me? (So, wait, she lives in the Wal-Mart? What, there wasn’t a decent Target around? Or at least a Publix? Maybe even a nice fabric store like Hancock?) Oh, yes, The Sound and The Fury. That should do the trick.

Now, I’m not saying The Sound and The Fury isn’t a good book. Nor am I saying the other two books by William Faulkner aren’t excellent novels…well, okay, As I Lay Dying is great, Light In August is, well, a novel by Faulkner. I’m also not signing any petitions to get you back on the contemporary fiction circuit – I think we’ve all had enough of Anita Shreve, thank you very much – though I do believe that if you really wanted to give your show viewers some relevant and interesting Summer reading in this Our Year Of Tom & Katie 2005, you might have made a tragic error in judgment in selecting The Sound and The Fury. I’m all about suspended coherence is fiction, but my sense is that I might be the only one. Oh, they’ll buy the book – and I think it is the best of the bunch, incidentally – but as soon as they get a look at Caddy and Quentin and poor gelded, intensely fucked up Benji, I suspect they might begin to wonder about the process needed to get a book banned. I’ve read The Sound and The Fury three times, but not until I did it within a classroom setting did I begin to understand what the hell was going on.

I’ll admit that I’ve long believed that if you really want to help people, Oprah – and I believe that is your goal, along with buying $50 million dollar homes in Santa Barbara – you’d focus on work more current if only to shine a light on the world we live in today. I love the classics as much as the next fellow (I was just listening to LL Cool J’s “I Need Love” this morning: “When I’m alone in my room, sometimes I stare at the wall, and in the back of my mind I hear my conscience call.” Classic.) but wouldn’t it be nice if you talked about a book that maybe could cause a jump in sales for something Middle America really needs to read? Maybe something like Reading Lolita In Tehran (not that it is languishing in the remainder bin) or The Los Angeles Diaries, or Bookmark Now: Writing in Unreaderly Times, or even a book like Among The Missing by Dan Chaon, a short story collection that was up for the National Book Award a few years ago, but which I’m certain many of your viewers haven’t read, but which would likely cause a visceral reaction in them.

My point is this, Oprah: your viewers will buy these books, but they won’t read them, (I’d like a show of hands from the people who purchased 100 Years of Solitude because Oprah told them to, but threw it down as soon as the magic realism began…), so why not encourage a selection that will both edify your reputation as a sales force and taste maker, while also opening up an avenue of understanding that perhaps your readers might not get after they toss out As I Lay Dying in favor of a re-read of She’s Come Undone?

Best wishes and keep on keepin’ on,

Tod

Comments

[Kristy]

Dear Tod,

It is with great satisfaction that I inform you that you are by and far the funniest person I have never met. I do believe that Oprah will probably never read your book and don’t feel bad because really it’s quite possible that she’s never read any Faulkner either. I do believe that I shall wait until 3 years from now when I can snag a copy of every one of his books for 25 cents a piece as they will be available aplenty. After all, I have plenty of books that are pleasurable to own but not pleasurable to use for what they were originally intended for.

Furthermore, the only books I read because someone told me to or rather I should clarify and state, “because someone suggested that I read them” remain every single damned book you’ve ever pimped, promo’d, whispered about or touted even if it was via Morris code and I had to be smart enough to decipher the pimp’age myself.

I would kill to rummage through your book collection or at the very least the untouchable brain files that contain the knowledge of what is just plain good reading and what is just plain not worth the trees it killed to exist.

Recently the local morning radio dj’s had a discussion on cults. At the top of their list was the big O. Tons of women started to call in and verbally bitch slap the dj’s for uttering negative connotations in the same sentence as the mere name Oprah. They had a g’zillion reasons but top of the list was, “Because she donates money to the needy.” But really it all came down to, “Because she gives away shit to people that otherwise wouldn’t have that stuff.” Reality is…..Oprah=cult.

My money is on Dr. Phil coming out with a book club soon. Top of his list “So, How’s that workin’ for ya?” and “You Either Get it or you Don’t.” which he himself will pen and millions of man hating old ladies will buy because he’s not really a man….he just plays one on TV.

Thanks for telling me the real dirt on what to read….oh and thanks for answering me….
Kristy

P.S.

I do think it’s kind of cool that otherwise unknown stoic literary professors get to drone on and on via the Internet for millions of middle aged women who are taking notes in their steno books with their cheap bic pen. When I picture the scene in my head it makes me giggle uncontrollably. They’ve been duped.

[Gag Reflex]

Tod has a groupie.

[Tod Goldberg]

Mr. or Mrs. Reflex, I've had groupies for years now...oh, it is with great fondness that I recall the Borders signing in Portland...the coke, the hookers (both living and dead, which was a nice twist), the ribald humor, the bukkake...and then there was that Borders in Philly...the coke, the night out on the town with the boys from New Edition (except for Johnny Gill, who I had a beef with at the time), ABC, BBD and the whole east coast family...and then there was that Borders in Chicago...the coke, the pizza, the lonesome walk down Michigan avenue singing show tunes to myself while those two girls I left in my room robbed the mini-bar, stole my laptop and ate all my Luna Bars...I could go on...

[Jim Winter]

You know what bugs me about Oprah's book club? I hopped on to Amazon back when she did contemporary books (I think this was actually when Franzen whined it made him too famous. Stupid little shit.), and Amazon put up a big banner: OPRAH DECIDES

Yeah, honey, you decided. However, my $27 went for something else. I think it was James Ellroy. Or maybe George Pelecanos. Something with too much plot for Oprah.

[aaron]

"...or Bookmark Now: Writing in Unreaderly Times..."
I read Glen David Gold's essay on googling himself last night and was very entertained. A great piece. Bissell's on video games was really good as well.

[kitty]

Most of the women in my mother's book club choose "Oprah books" and live to regret their choices, although no one, except my mother, is willing to admit it.

[David Thayer]

The problem I foresee is booking Faulkner for the show. Is he available? Is he telegenic? A lot of these writer types suck on television.

[kitty]

Oh, I dunno. Booking Faulkner shouldn't be too much of a problem. After all, he's been lying around for years.

[J.C. Wilder]

You go, Tod! I've decided that in order to be an Oprah pick your book must contain the following attributes:

1) someone has been molested / raped / opressed
2) someone has to be on the verge of suicide
3) the book has to end with a deep, moral note (read, religious right)
4) the reader has to be suicidal as they close the book

Faulkner? Come on. Yes, one of the great literary giants of the 20th century but he's hardly good bathtub reading. The hallmark of a great piece of fiction is when you close the book you wish it wasn't over so soon. With the Oprah books you need a valium with a vodka chaser...