Letters to Parade: Special "Shatner Isn't A Real Captain, Either," Edition

There are some Sunday mornings when I wake up and think that perhaps America has made sense of it all, that all the stupid questions have been asked, that smug bitches like Marilyn Vos Savant and intellectual midgets like the editorial team that constitutes the humanoid Walter Scott have decided that we simply do not need their wisdom. But then I find Parade surreptitiously inserted between the comics section instead of in between the 800 advertisements for Black Angus dinner deals (word to the wise: the prime rib is exactly worth the $11 you pay for it) and the TV guide and it all comes crashing down like SpaceLab.

Today's bit of fucktardery comes to us from Linda Pack of San Diego, CA, who apparently cannot distinguish between reality and TV. She asks Walter Scott:

Is Hank, the German Shepherd on ABC's Blind Justice, really a seeing-eye dog?

Here's a quiz for you, Linda Park of San Diego. If you can answer two of these questions correctly, I promise not to call you a fucktard. Okay, here we go:

1. Was the little girl who played a robot on Small Wonder really a robot?

2. Was Lassie really the smartest member of the Martin family?

3. Do you believe that Marshall, Will and Holly really slipped through a fissure in time during the greatest earthquake ever known?

4. In the movie Harry & The Hendersons, was Harry really a Bigfoot?

5. What on earth would prompt you to watch a TV series about a blind detective and his dog? Moreover, do you think Ron Eldard is really blind?

Please email me with your answers, Linda. Now, onward to Walter's response:

No. Flint, who plays Ron Eldard's companion, is not a guide dog. He's owned by Mathilde de Cagny, who also trained Moose, the terrier known as Eddie on Frasier. "Flint weighs 100 pounds but is very gentle," says Mathilde. Unfortunately, Flint's show won't run 11 seasons like Frasier. It was canceled by ABC.

Hey, Walt, thanks for the information totally unrelated to the question, as I'm sure Linda was very concerned about the weight of Hank/Flint, so way to go on the excellent source quote there, buddy. If you truly cared about Linda, as I do, you might have gone the extra step and found some replacement entertainment for her since Blind Justice won't be returning.

Like some Blind Justice fanfic...from the dog's point-of-view.

Comments

[Clair Lamb]

>>Do you believe that Marshall, Will and Holly really slipped through a fissure in time during the greatest earthquake ever known?

What are you saying here? Are you saying there aren't any Sleestaks, either? I know you're just teasing about this. Because I left California to get away from them.

[Mikey Sizemore]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a spin off show featuring the dog. The twist could be that the dog gets blinded and needs a seeing eye human to look after it... man, that would rock.

Or maybe a show about a cop who is dead. Not a ghost or a zombie or anything dumb like that. Just a corpse. Such a great cop that the force keeps him on after his death in the line of duty so that he can continue to fight crime. Only his cute female partner doesn't really get along with him... that would also rock.

I am moving to LA to write TV shows. If it doesn't work out I'll sleep on your couch.

[James C. Hess]

If that dog humps anything the RWA will ban him.

[Jim Winter]

No, but I do believe Marshal Willanholly is the most inept law enforcement officer ever hired by the Department of Interior.

[Jocelyn]

If that dog humps anything the RWA will ban him.

But I'll betcha they won't if the dog pees on somebody's leg!

[Jocelyn]

And am I the only one who saw the advertisements for that show (poster of nondescript guy in sunglasses) and wondered why Agent Brown from "The Matrix" had his own show?