Tod Goldberg

Letters to Parade: Special Geo-Political Expose And The Virtues Of Swearing Edition

I consider myself a fairly worldly guy. I've been to Nice and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht. I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got. I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'posed to see. And with all that said, I don't hate France. Why, I happen to like France quite a bit. Beautiful country, great food, fascinating culture, the language of love (save for my hatred of the term vis-a-vis, naturally) and all that good stuff. Sure, there's a rich history of anti-Semitism, shady dealings with terrorists, trouble with Middle Eastern oil countries, bad wars and that sort of thing, but, really, if we're going to split hairs here, name a country that doesn't? But Walter Scott, tool for conservative America and general, you guessed it, fucktard, has had a hard-on for the French for two weeks.  And L. Harmon of (surprise!) Portland, Oregon, demands an answer:

I see that you've joined the chorus of France-bashers. Et tu, Walter Scott?

Let's forget for a moment that France bashing is so 2002. Freedom Fries anyone? Let's also forget that L. Harmon is using "Et tu, Walter Scott?" in the wrong literary context. And let's forget that L. Harmon is branded a fucktard just on the principal that (s)he wrote to Walter Scott at all. Let's see what Walter Scott, also known as journalist Edward Klein, has to say:

Even Charles de Gaulle found his countrymen hard to take. "I've tried to life France out of the mud," he wrote. "But she will return to her errors and vomitings. I can't prevent the French from being French." We recommend a lively new book, The Arrogance of The French: Why They Can't Stand Us & Why The Feeling is Mutual, by Richard Z. Chesnoff.

See, that's what I like about Walter/Ed. Get asked a question and instead of answering it,  just sort of say, "I know you are but what am I?" Though the defense he utilizes -- I hate the French because, like, even their former President hates the French, and here's a book to back that up -- I shall suggest my congresswoman Mary Bono use when attacking tort reform at some point.

But wait, there's more. You see, this week That Smug Bitch Marilyn Vos Savant has inspired my wrath as well. A man named Nick (You coward! Print your last name!) from Baltimore, MD writes today:

I don't become friends with any person who uses vulgar language in everyday conversation. I have enough friends, but I've rejected some interesting people because of their frequent use of obscenities. Do you think I'm being reasonable?

No, Nick, I think you're a fucking pussy. (We already have no chance of being friends, what with me reprinting his letter and all, so, yeah, why not seal the deal?) Let's see what That Smug Bitch Marylin Vos Savant thinks:

Yes. When I read your letter, I thought about my own friends. Although I've never consciously decided against anyone for this reason, I notice that none of my friends uses bad language! I guess I've never found an interesting person with a foul mouth.

No interesting people, huh? What about Dick "Go fuck yourself" Cheney? What about Bill Clinton. whom every book I've read about him indicates he's an interesting and inspiring user of curse words? What about your editor, Lee Kravitz, who probably reads your column and Personality Parade every Sunday and mutters, "What the fucking fuck of all fucking fucks happened to my life?"

(And a special welcome to the fine people of Advance Magazine Publishers, Inc., the publishers of Parade, who, thanks be to my site stats, I note have become loyal readers. I appreciate your patronage!)

You Know I Wish That I Had Anakin's Girl

I finally figured out why I've always liked Rick Springfield. He's a Jedi. Don't believe me? All right, you tell me which of these two pictures is Luke's father:

A quick thumbnail review, for those interested: If I'd waited in line outside of the wrong theater for a month, absorbed people calling me a fucktard on their blogs, found the time to send emails to said blog owner refuting the fucktard charge and calling him a "hater" and then, finally, went in to a different theater at midnight to watch this movie (and by movie, I mean, 2 hours of the worst dialog and acting since, well, Episode 2) I might begin to reevaluate my position in life. Why? (And not only is that a great question -- Why? -- but also the emotional extent of Natalie Portman's dialog. Why? What do you mean? What are you saying?) Because Wendy and I went this morning around 10, enjoyed a coke, some Jordan almonds, some decent popcorn, a state of the art sound system, comfortable seats and perfect viewing lines....and the movie still, basically, sucked, the difference being that I didn't sit outside for 6 weeks prior. I feared it would suck. I feared that it would cheapen the experience of the first 3 movies (though, really, those fucking Ewoks did a pretty good job of that already) Oh, it was cool and I enjoyed it, because part of me is still 8 and playing with his action figures and sleeping in his Han Solo jammies, but the fact remains, it simply wasn't a very good movie. (Finally: I guess in space, mullets are very popular.)

On the upside, the new Battlestar Galactica series positively rules. Whatever happened to those Clueless Morons who were demanding a return of the original cast?   

Close Encounters Of A Michael Silverblatt Kind

Let me set the scene for you: A lovely street cafe in Los Angeles. Clear blue skies. Three people sitting outside enjoying a lunch filled with hearty laughs, dark insidious secrets, literary gossip, plaintive begging for a spot in a prominent local reading series...good cheer up the ass, basically. Conversation turns to Bookworm, the popular literary program on NPR hosted by Michael Silverblatt. Knoweledge of my great impression of Silverblatt is discussed. We now join the program already in progress...

Me: Yes, it's true. I do a great Silverblatt impression. In fact, when I'm on Pinky's Paperhaus in June, I fully intend to interview myself as Silverblatt.

Woman 1: No!

Woman 2: Oh, for sure, you don't know Tod. He'll do it.

Woman 1: You have to let me hear you do it. Do it about me.

Me: Okay. Woman 1, in your transcendent novel, you touch on the sense that life is both a meditation on human sadness and...sadness...itself...a meditation on that life of what I consider to be a philospher of unequal...compare...and...sadness, alike my first experience with a prostitute in Spain, who, with her words, made me feel as if...I'd...meditated, in fact, found middle, and by middle I mean only the center of...love. True?

Woman 1: Yes! Oh my god!

Woman 2: I told you.

Me: Look, I just go out and give 110% and put the rest of my faith in Jesus and...

Because my imitation is such a hit, and because if one has the ability to sound reasonably like Michael Silverblatt, it's incredibly fun to say just about anything in the voice, I continue imitating the man for the better part of an hour. It remains quite a bit of fun until Woman 1 gets up to use the restroom and realizes, when he says hello to her (they know each other), that Michael Silverblatt is approximately 10 feet away.

If anyone asks, my name is Gregg Hurwitz.

You Know, In A Sick Way, I Kind Of Understand His Motives

You have five guesses as to who this man is:

1. Former child actor Corey Haim.

2. A pre-published author.

3. Former New Kid On The Block Danny Wood.

4. The star of a new series of Billy Jack movies

5. The ex-husband of romance writer/arch-nemesis-on-the-purple prose-front Rebecca Brandewyne, pictured here in a court appearance wherein he pleaded innocent to charges that he falsely implicated his ex when he said, uh, that she left a bomb at his house! I don't make this shit up, people, really. 

(I'm not defending the man's actions, but if you had to live with that fucking rabid dog, you think you'd leave the relationship sane?)

141 Were Faster Than He, But Irving Was Looking For 143

The lovely and talented HelenKay alerts the world that Writer's Digest has released it's annual 101 Best Websites for Writers, which I always find odd, considering I think of Writer's Digest as being one of the top 3 Worst Magazines For Writers. Any magazine which purports to be "for" writers,  yet accepts advertising from scam agents and sleazy publishers and regularly provides some of the worst advice imaginable for aspiring writers is doing no one any favors. (Which begs the question, if it's so shitty, why do I know so much about their content? The answer: Hey, I get birthday presents, too, you know.) Needless to say, their 101 websites mirror their excellent quality control standards. Viewing many of them is like time traveling back to 1996: dozens of static websites devoted to self-publishing, reviews of self-published books, hackneyed lists of advice provided by writers who've never published (my favorite is this one -- specifically her list of 50 character profile questions to help you create better characters. EX: What kind of car do they drive or would like to drive? Style of dress? Favorite clothes?), and...something called the Long Ridge Writer's Group, which appears to be a sort of online writing workshop that requires applicants to fill out an aptitude exam prior to being accepted into the program. I'm all for pre-requisites, so I checked it out:

Yes, we're different. We aim higher. Our goal is to teach qualified people how to write for publication and how to sell their writing.

So, in order to find people who are qualified to enroll in our program, we offer this free Writing Aptitude Test. We limit our enrollment strictly to those who pass it.

Okay, cool. Let’s see a sample question:

An essential task for any writer is careful observation. The people you write about must "come alive on the page." In this exercise, select the important details that distinguish the person you're describing. In 30-50 words, describe one of the following:

• a person in a long supermarket line with an inept clerk at the checkout counter
• a member of your family trying to deal with a cantankerous relative
• a person telling his/her spouse about a promotion

Tip: Look for facial expressions, gestures, body language, and clothing style; listen for voice inflections.

Example:
Bundled in a hairy overcoat, the man drummed his fingers on a box of oatmeal, tapped his feet, rolled his eyes, and set his lips in a thin straight line. Finally, he shrugged. Muttering something inaudible, he stomped off, abandoning his crammed shopping cart.

They've got plenty more "pre-qualifying" questions of a similar ilk. I have to wonder just how many people they reject each year, and if any of them go on to write the examples on the website. There are a few quality sites listed -- notably Preditors & Editors and a few very good agent research sites and some well-attended message boards and the like. But not a single, solitary blog. Not one. (Of course, they also use the word "e-zine" over and over again, too, which initially made me think I'd clicked on an archive from 1994...of course, the fact that several of the sites hadn't been updated in months also added to that feeling.) So while they have Romancing The Christian Heart (the front page of which announces that the site is now shuttered), they fail to list even an OG blog like Bookslut or Mobylives. Of course, if they really wanted to provide a service, they could have just tossed up a link to Poets & Writers and been done with it.

The fact is, Writer's Digest is to writing as Parade is to journalism and this list of websites only serves to illuminate that point.

*A special gift will be sent to first person (not in my family) to note the significance of the post's headline.

I Have Got To Visit This Town On My Book Tour

I've never been to Kansas City, nor have I ever really had occasion to do so, but I'm thinking of making a special trip just so that I can visit Blue Valley, where they are apparently breeding stupid people and then running them for public office. You see, Blue Valley is home to my favorite band of thought police, ClassKC.org (who, it should be noted, have not banned any of my books despite numerous written requests...what does a guy have to do these days?), who recently were pushed back in their attempts to ban several books, and have now taken it on themselves to ban blogs, too. (Apparently, Xanga is ruining the world as we know it.) The latest salvo fired in Blue Valley involves the short story "Rape Fantasies" by Margaret Atwood. The Kansas City Star reports:

The Blue Valley book battle has taken on a new wrinkle, with two prominent figures in Johnson County questioning the use of a short story.

Charley Morasch, an unsuccessful candidate this spring for the Blue Valley school board, and Roger Kemp, father of the slain Ali Kemp, signed a formal challenge asking Blue Valley North High School to remove the short story “Rape Fantasies” by Margaret Atwood, saying it is inappropriate for the curriculum.

The challenge comes four months after a group of parents and community members delivered a petition to the school board seeking removal of 14 novels from the curriculum, citing vulgar language, sexual explicitness or violent imagery. The books were not removed.

Morasch, a Leawood resident, brought the story to the attention of Kemp, whose daughter was murdered at a neighborhood pool in June 2002.

Benjamin Appleby, who is charged in the slaying, has told police that he beat, strangled and attempted to rape Ali Kemp while she was working as a lifeguard.

“Rape Fantasies” is included in the anthology Literature: Structure, Sound & Sense by Laurence Perrine and Thomas R. Arp.

“It’s a huge anthology, and there are tons of things in it,” said Susan Swift, assistant superintendent of education services.

She said the anthology is used in senior Advanced Placement classes, which include college-level course work.

Swift said she thought there had been three earlier challenges to learning resources since the policy was written. None of the challenges resulted in the removal of the material but prompted policy changes, she said.

The story is told from the perspective of several women who describe their rape fantasies. While several of the women describe what one character considers sexual fantasies, another woman describes ways in which she could escape from an attacker.

To challenge a learning resource, such as the story in question, Swift said, a challenger first must speak to the teacher who assigns the book and then to the principal. Morasch said last week that he had met with the teacher and the principal and intends to pursue the matter to the next level.

Kemp, on the other hand, said he had made his point. He said he did not realize that by signing he was participating in a formal challenge.

The next step would be for Morasch to ask a building-level committee, made up of parents, students and teachers, to review the story.

If that committee decided to keep the story in the curriculum, Morasch ultimately could appeal to the school board.

Morasch said he objected more to the idea of rape fantasies in general than to the specific content of the story.

“The last thing you need to do is wave in front of a 15- or 16- or 17-year-old boy a notion like this,” he said. “If you wanted to promote respect for women, this is absolutely the last thing you would have students reading.”

Morasch also expressed frustration with the district and the school board for not removing the 14 books questioned in January.

“I don’t know what it is going to take to have more responsiveness from the school district, but I guess we just keep plugging away until we do,” he said.

This isn't surprising, really, since Morasch told the fine people at ClassKC.org that he didn't believe Pat Conroy's Lords of Discipline should even be allowed in public libraries.

3.      Pat Conroy’s book “Lords of Discipline” contains the following excerpts:

      “Do you see the hand of God coming down from heaven to help you, scumbags?...Because there’s nothing to see, maggot-shits...I’m a fucking maniac…I’d pump this room full of DDT and let all of you die like the roach turds you really are…gives me kind of a warm feeling all over when I think about sticking my swagger stick up your fucking asses and have it come out all slick with your blood and intestines...God has ceased to exist for any of you. He doesn’t care a fucking thing for…you. He’s dead for you all...I am your God and you will obey my commandments or I’ll jack it up your filthy asses...here is what your new…God thinks of your old Bible. He...plunged the sword into the Bible with a deep, savage thrust, then lifted the skewered book aloft...had been soaked in lighter fluid...lit a match...Does your mother fuck, douchebag? Your mother should have stuck a coat hanger up her cunt to kill a maggot like you.”

      Do you feel this book should be on either the required or suggested reading lists of any course taught in the Blue Valley School District?  Why or why not?

Response: It is negative and disgusting, with no redeeming value, and loaded with rage and anger.  What is the point, what is the purpose in reading this?  This should not be in a public library, let alone required for any child to read.

All right, Kansas City. Here's the deal. I'll be in Chicago on or about September 25th. My understanding is that Kansas City and Chicago are in states that are near each other (I do not pretend to know where these states are on a map...I was educated in California, so you'll have to excuse me.). I'll be in Chicago promoting a short story collection that touches on the following story points: suicide, murder, kidnapping, gay sex, straight sex, Elvis as a deity, Jesus has a person who appears dressed as Scarlet O'Hara, the Salton Sea, John Wayne, the Loch Ness monster, people not believing in the Bible, 2nd person narrators (not a thing normally noted as being offensive, except to writers and readers, so it's a wonder it made the cut, but there you go), incest, general criminal behavior, and lots of other stuff that will likely cause your children to produce snuff films as adults. There must be a Borders or Barnes & Noble or some really cool indie book store in the general Blue Valley area, right? There must also be a few liberals in the area involved with the arts, right? You pick up my travel and lodging, I'll provide the entertainment: I'll read aloud from every single book these fucktards want banned, plus every one of my stories, and then we'll wait and see how many people run off to sin themselves silly (or opt to write in 2nd person, for that matter). Hell, I'll even debate some of these people. I'm serious, KC. Bring me to town.

Because, to quote a great American scholar, Rowdy Roddy Piper, I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum.

Cool: Something To Vote On

The New York Times reports that I'm not quite doing this correctly yet:

The best bloggers develop hobbyhorses, shticks and catchphrases that they put into wider circulation. Creating your own idiosyncratic set of villains to skewer and theories to promote - while keeping readers interested - requires as much talent as sculpting a magazine feature or a taut op-ed piece.

All right, I've got a couple catchphrases I'd like to try out.

1. Whoa.

2. Crunk Jews.

3. I've been makin' blog entries since you were suckin' your momma's dick.

4. 2 Legit 2 Quit.

5. AAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!

6. Seven And The Ragged Tyger Tyger Burning Bright.

7. I'm The Nice One -- Lee Is The One You Want To Sue.

8. Driving Book Review Editors Out Of Their Jobs For, Like, Weeks.

9.You're The One That I Want, OOOO, OOOO, OOOO, Baby.

10. I Would Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That.

11. I Wipe Standing Up. In Public, Too.

12. I'm The Nice One -- Lee Is The One Who Hates Fan Fiction.

13. Outing Fucktards Since At Least January.

14. I Got My Hair Cut Correct Like Anthony Mason.

15. If I Were In The LBC, I Would Have Selected A Choose Your Own Adventure from 1981.

16. Stalked By A Guy Named Tono Since Last October.

17. The PPPPPPPPPP-Pig,Yeah, The Goddamned Pig.

18. I'm The Nice One -- Lee Is The One Who Posted Your Letter Asking Him To Produce Your TV Show About A Pharmacist In Spokane.

19. Fuck John Lovitz -- He Looks Like Me.

20. And To Think, Wil Wheaton Was Doing This Before All Of Us.

Some Of My Best Friends

An interesting discussion broke out in my class this evening -- and by interesting, I actually mean heated, uncomfortable and generally dispiriting in a number of ways (you know, people being called anti-Semites and racists and fucktards [this last bit was largely implied, but the other statements were stated]), and it got me to thinking about what we, as writers, are allowed to write about. The genesis of this particular argument had to do with one student's belief that another was anti-Semitic for something their character said or did or did not know. For a while I just watched and listened to the two of them argue, primarily because the two people were adults and both felt angry and wanted to be heard, and also because I wanted to hear the justification of what I thought was a somewhat short sighted argument, at base: That only Jews should write about Jews.

I think this is a somewhat pervasive belief if you substitute Jew for any other religion or culture or people. I'm reminded most vividly of Sherman Alexie's searing review of Ian Frazier's On The Rez a few years back in the LA Times. Alexie has the review on his website, which I'll link to here, but here's how it starts:

When I first heard the title of Ian Frazier's "On the Rez," his nonfiction study of the brief time he spent on the Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota, I laughed out loud. A white man using the word "rez" to describe the reservation is the equivalent of a white man using the word "hood" to describe a black inner-city neighborhood. It implies a degree of cultural familiarity that is very rare.

In his role as journalist, tourist and friend to a few Oglalas, Frazier may have earned the right to call the reservation "the rez," but that would only be in the company of those Oglalas who call him friend. When used as the title of the book, Frazier's formal use of "the rez" marks him as an outsider eager to portray himself as an insider, as a writer with a supposedly original story to tell and as a white man who is magically unlike all other white men in his relationship to American Indians.

I urge you to read the rest of the review -- it's sort of a famous literary take down -- and form your own opinions. Of course, Frazier's book was nonfiction, which perhaps might have opened him up to Alexie's derision more so than if the book were fiction, but I still believe that as writers we are driven to report what we report irrespective of who we are culturally or religiously or by the tone of our skin. As it relates to my class, the argument was a classic confusion of author and character, one that will likely reverberate for some time with both. I guess I'm sensitive about someone calling someone else an anti-Semite, what with being a Jew and all. My sense is, if you say it, you ought to mean it and it ought to be true. Save it for the people who really are anti-Semites, not for someone who wrote a character you didn't like.

Letters to Parade: The Fetish Edition

We all have our things. And as long as it doesn't hurt adults or children or animals or Lindsey Lohan's reputation, I'm generally all for it. You do what you need to do to get to that place, and may Dave Navarro bless you.  But you have to wonder about the wisdom involved in letting Walter Scott know about it. Today, Richard B. Ellenberger or Normandy Park, Washington writes in to ask Walter the question on everyone's minds...Is Condoleezza Rice available and do I have a shot at those luscious gams of hers (or at least that's what I got from his question)?:

Condoleezza Rice's high-heel boots and sexy wardrobe made me wonder [And here's where I spit out my morning coffee, just fyi]: Has she ever been linked to a man romantically?

I'm not going to call Mr. Ellenberger any names here -- I know, it's a surprise -- because I think it would be counter productive. The man sees Condi and begins wondering about her sex life, which, from a man's pov, isn't all that unusual. You go, Rich, you fill your mind with that picture above and you go places, chief, you go. When you return, I ask you to consider a few things: 1. Why on earth did you write Walter Scott and ask him this? 2. Do you really find Condi sexy? 3. Do you have a large desire to be audited by the IRS? 4. Did you write Walter because you feel, as I do about Brooke Burke, that if Condi only knew about your true feelings that she'd rush out to Normandy Park, WA, sweep you up into her arms, deny any knowledge about false reports as they relate to WMDs and then take make you the man you've always yearned to be? (These are rhetorical questions, Richard. No need to respond.)

But now I gotta know the answer from Walter.

As a doctoral student at the University of Denver in the 70s, Rice dated the Broncos' Rick Upchurch. But if the 50 year old Secretary of State has had more than an occasional dinner with a man since then, she's managed to keep it secret.

Rick Upchurch? No shit? Oh, Rich, you've got no shot. Of course, it would seem like Walter believes Condi has been celibate since she dated the 4-time Pro Bowl WR, because if she has had any romantic involvement beyond a dinner date, why, Walter would know and would report it. (Of course, she did once famously called President Bush her husband...). In the meantime, Richard B. Ellenberger of Normandy Park, WA, if you see any black helicopters looming over your home, don't immediately assume that it's Condi picking you up for a date.

And The Winner Is...

The evil cabal of well-read bloggers over at the Litblog Co-Op made their inaugural selection today:

The Litblog Co-op is very pleased to announce its inaugural Read This! Selection: Case Histories by Kate Atkinson.

In the weeks ahead, we're planning a variety of posts around this book, including appearances by Kate Atkinson, Reagan Arthur (the book's editor at Little, Brown) and others still to be announced. (See the post below for additional details.) But first, here's LBC nominator Lizzie Skurnick (The Old Hag) on why she nominated Case Histories:

I've heard lots of good things about this book and may have already told more important literary types at cocktail parties and readings that I've already read it and simply adored it and was seriously considering sending the author a fan letter, but the fact is I haven't, though I intend to and will be interested to see what goes on over at the Co-op over the next couple weeks. Should be interesting. (Recent book I lied and said I read: Inventing God by Nicholas Mosely, but I do own it, though I never intend to read it...it just seems, I dunno, like a book I can talk about without actually reading.)