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May 22, 2005

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Clair Lamb

Brilliant entry today, but please, Tod -- please, for me -- eliminate "utilize" from your vocabulary.

NEVER better than "use." Never, never, never, never, never, never, never.

Never.

Thank you.

Linda

Mon frère! Please dare me to write a letter to Parade so Walter/Ed can respond to it and you can respond to his response. Actually, I think I have a question better suited for That Smug Bitch.
~L. Woods

Jim Winter

I plan to start my own column: Jim Winter's Dumbasses on PARADE. Here's a sample.

Joe from Michigan writes:

Dear Mr. Winter,

First, how in the hell can you like the new STAR WARS movie. Second, why do the French suck?

Thanks.

Well, Joe, to answer your first question, it involved drinking mass quantities of something resembling Bass Ale but made by Guiness. So before watching the movie, I did an intense side-by-side comparison. Only took six glasses of each. I plan to watch SITH sober next time.

Actually, no I don't. I plan to watch it high. The light sabers are really cool after a couple of bongs.

To your second question, why do the French suck? Because they act just like us, except they think Jerry Lewis is a genius, whereas we think it's Paris Hilton.

And to answer your third and unspoken question, yes, you are a dumbass. Just for writing to this column.

Keep those cards and letters coming. And make sure you put your home address on the envelope. We'll need it for when it's time to thin the herd.

Think we have a winner here? I think we do. Thanks, Advance Magazines for the audition.

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