Letters to Parade: Special Geo-Political Expose And The Virtues Of Swearing Edition

I consider myself a fairly worldly guy. I've been to Nice and the Isle of Greece while I've sipped champagne on a yacht. I've moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed 'em what I've got. I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that a woman ain't s'posed to see. And with all that said, I don't hate France. Why, I happen to like France quite a bit. Beautiful country, great food, fascinating culture, the language of love (save for my hatred of the term vis-a-vis, naturally) and all that good stuff. Sure, there's a rich history of anti-Semitism, shady dealings with terrorists, trouble with Middle Eastern oil countries, bad wars and that sort of thing, but, really, if we're going to split hairs here, name a country that doesn't? But Walter Scott, tool for conservative America and general, you guessed it, fucktard, has had a hard-on for the French for two weeks.  And L. Harmon of (surprise!) Portland, Oregon, demands an answer:

I see that you've joined the chorus of France-bashers. Et tu, Walter Scott?

Let's forget for a moment that France bashing is so 2002. Freedom Fries anyone? Let's also forget that L. Harmon is using "Et tu, Walter Scott?" in the wrong literary context. And let's forget that L. Harmon is branded a fucktard just on the principal that (s)he wrote to Walter Scott at all. Let's see what Walter Scott, also known as journalist Edward Klein, has to say:

Even Charles de Gaulle found his countrymen hard to take. "I've tried to life France out of the mud," he wrote. "But she will return to her errors and vomitings. I can't prevent the French from being French." We recommend a lively new book, The Arrogance of The French: Why They Can't Stand Us & Why The Feeling is Mutual, by Richard Z. Chesnoff.

See, that's what I like about Walter/Ed. Get asked a question and instead of answering it,  just sort of say, "I know you are but what am I?" Though the defense he utilizes -- I hate the French because, like, even their former President hates the French, and here's a book to back that up -- I shall suggest my congresswoman Mary Bono use when attacking tort reform at some point.

But wait, there's more. You see, this week That Smug Bitch Marilyn Vos Savant has inspired my wrath as well. A man named Nick (You coward! Print your last name!) from Baltimore, MD writes today:

I don't become friends with any person who uses vulgar language in everyday conversation. I have enough friends, but I've rejected some interesting people because of their frequent use of obscenities. Do you think I'm being reasonable?

No, Nick, I think you're a fucking pussy. (We already have no chance of being friends, what with me reprinting his letter and all, so, yeah, why not seal the deal?) Let's see what That Smug Bitch Marylin Vos Savant thinks:

Yes. When I read your letter, I thought about my own friends. Although I've never consciously decided against anyone for this reason, I notice that none of my friends uses bad language! I guess I've never found an interesting person with a foul mouth.

No interesting people, huh? What about Dick "Go fuck yourself" Cheney? What about Bill Clinton. whom every book I've read about him indicates he's an interesting and inspiring user of curse words? What about your editor, Lee Kravitz, who probably reads your column and Personality Parade every Sunday and mutters, "What the fucking fuck of all fucking fucks happened to my life?"

(And a special welcome to the fine people of Advance Magazine Publishers, Inc., the publishers of Parade, who, thanks be to my site stats, I note have become loyal readers. I appreciate your patronage!)

Comments

[Clair Lamb]

Brilliant entry today, but please, Tod -- please, for me -- eliminate "utilize" from your vocabulary.

NEVER better than "use." Never, never, never, never, never, never, never.

Never.

Thank you.

[Linda]

Mon frère! Please dare me to write a letter to Parade so Walter/Ed can respond to it and you can respond to his response. Actually, I think I have a question better suited for That Smug Bitch.
~L. Woods

[Jim Winter]

I plan to start my own column: Jim Winter's Dumbasses on PARADE. Here's a sample.

Joe from Michigan writes:

Dear Mr. Winter,

First, how in the hell can you like the new STAR WARS movie. Second, why do the French suck?

Thanks.

Well, Joe, to answer your first question, it involved drinking mass quantities of something resembling Bass Ale but made by Guiness. So before watching the movie, I did an intense side-by-side comparison. Only took six glasses of each. I plan to watch SITH sober next time.

Actually, no I don't. I plan to watch it high. The light sabers are really cool after a couple of bongs.

To your second question, why do the French suck? Because they act just like us, except they think Jerry Lewis is a genius, whereas we think it's Paris Hilton.

And to answer your third and unspoken question, yes, you are a dumbass. Just for writing to this column.

Keep those cards and letters coming. And make sure you put your home address on the envelope. We'll need it for when it's time to thin the herd.

Think we have a winner here? I think we do. Thanks, Advance Magazines for the audition.